1 Chronicles 17

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Old Testament
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 1 Dayvid waz chilin in hiz kasel, an he wuz liek, "O hai, Naythun teh Profet, u kno, it kinda sux dat I iz livin in dis sweet kasel of seedar, wen teh Box of Ceiling Cat iz stuk wif a tent."2 Den Naythun wuz all liek, "Dood, do wutehvar u want cuz Ceiling Cat is wif u."3 Taht nite, Ceiling Cat caem to Naythun teh Profet an wuz all liek:4 "Hay! U go an tellz Dayvid, 'Dis iz waht I sayz: U iz not teh dood who iz gunna bild mah hows.5 I haz beed homlehs sins I freez dem Jewz outa Egipt. I haz mooved frum wun playse to nother.6 Wherehvar I haz gon, haz I evar sayed, 'Hay! I can haz seedar hows? Bild it now, beetches!' No. I haz not.'7 "So u tellz mah minyun Dayvid, 'Dis waht I sayz: I taked u frum teh sheeps an frum falloin other sheeps to be ruler ovar Izreel.8 I haz beed wif u wherehvar u haz goed, an I haz smoted ur enamees. Now I iz gunna maek u liek totalee awhsums.9 An also I iz gunna maek a playse for teh peepuls of Izreel to chil so taht dey iz not bawtherd. Bad peepuls not opresins dem, liek at teh behginins,10 an liek all teh tiem. Iz getin old. So I iz gunna smote sum moar enamees. I sayz taht Ceiling Cat bild u hows.11 "'Wen ur dayz iz ovar an u go to chil wif ur dadz, I iz gunna rize up wun of ur kittenz an giv him Izreel to rool.12 Hee iz gunna bild mah hows, an I iz gunna maek hiz Izreel live forehvars.13 I iz gunna be hiz dad, an hee be mah kitten. I not say, 'No loev for u!' liek I did to ur ansestor.14 I iz gunna set him up as rooler ovar mah hows an Izreel forehvar. An ehvar. Srsly.'"15 An Naythun teh Profet sayd all of teh rehvulashun to Dayvid.

 16 Then Dayvid went to Ceilin' Cat and axed "Ooooooooooh Cielin' Cat... Who I is and what is my kittunz that you have maked me go so long ways?17 And sos as if it wered not enuffs in ur masturbation peepingz, mighty Ceilin' Cat, yous has sayed promisz of cheezburgers to loyal LOLcats likez mah. Joo has watchd me masturbatez as though I wered da most pwnz0rs of kats, O Cielin' Cat.18 Wai wood Dayvid wanna sez sum more stuffs to yooz bout ur servants? U noze ur him, right?19 Thhx ceilin cat 4 teh tings 4 the servant and stuff, an nao all de lolcats no yooz an ur promisez.20 O Ceiling Cat, you can has no ekwal, an yous is teh 1 Ceiling Cat, as me hears wif mah ears.21 An who iz your kittehs ? 1 litter that Ceiling Cat has come an gave cheezburgerz, an teh kittehz has a name and they has bad ass reputaeshuns. An teh litter has freedum from the hunger, for teh Ceiling Cat has maeked the cheezburger.22 U has maed the Kittehs yur kittehs n all yurs, n U has become their Ceiling Cat.23 O Ceiling Cat, you has gave us yur word, n yur dood n hiz peeps will keep yur word liek forevar.24 If u sayz I can has a cheezburger den I can has a cheezburger. Den teh peeps will be liek "OMG Cielng Cat pwnz !!!" Den mah lolcats r yur lolcats.25 Youz, in teh ceiling, watching me maztarbate, has promized mah a reservashun. N yur kittah can says "Lol, Ceiling Cat is teh win."26 O Ceiling Cat, you has the pwnage n u will maked cookies n cheezburgers 4 yur kittahs.27 Yut kittah sez all the pleezing tings, n you is pleezed wit teh kittah, so u will pleeze teh kittah 4 evar.

1 Chronicles 17
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