1 Kings 1

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Old Testament

1 k guys, King David was teh oldz, n his doodz were all, "You can has blanket?" NO WAI, he still couldn't warm his harbl

2 Then they were all, "You can has virgin? Be all Cats in Racks and get a warm harbl."

3 Srsly, guys, Abishag was teh cutez, and David can has her.

4 But 'cause he was teh oldz, Abishag was leik invisible bike to him.

5 Adonijah, saiz wordz, he can has Kingship? Leik 50 kittehs follow leik it's Caturday.

6 That doodz dad was never liek, "REGICIDE: SERIOUS BUSINESS!" an that dood was cutez kitteh. Srsly.

7 Srsly, leik two moar dudez saiz, "He can has Kingship?" (Joab the kitteh of Zeruiah, and with Abiathar, srsly)

8 Zadok the priest, Benaiah kitteh of Jehoiada, Nathan the prophet, Shimei and Rei and David's speshul guard were liek, "invisible attendance: DO NOT WANT!"

9 Adonijah then sacrificed sheepz, cattul, at Stone of Zoheleth near En Rogel. He invited all hiz kittehs and the kingz sonz and royal pplz and had teh conversashun.

10 Nathan was all, "Srsly, Mumz(Bath-Sheba), Adonijah is all, 'I can has kingship!'. David is teh un1337, he is not knowz."

11 "But supar srsly, I r halp you and Solomon:"

12 "Saiz to David, Solomon can has throne? You sayz it beefor!"

13 "I made you a plan, and no eated it. I halp. Srsly."

14 Bath sheba went all up in David's chamber. Abishag was hangin' in thar.

15 King David was all, "What r you doin?"

16 She was all, "Oh hai, u promush to Ceiling Cat that Solomon can has throne when u is in Ceiling."

17 "Adonijah. DO NOT WANT. Invisible coup d'catz!"

18 "He is makin' mad foodz, his homies is thar, but no can has Solomon?

19 "Ur peepz is watchin'n waitin' fer u to tell who is after when you can has Celing time."

20 "Srsly, when u is homies with teh Celing Cat, Solomon is be banned!"

21 "And YO! wiles she makes speechuhs to king and nathan pops in"

22 "And dey sez, "LUK! itz Nathan, he sees dead peeps", and Nathan gets down"

23 "And Nathan sez "Yo King! I hear you sez Adjoinah can sits on ur chair""

24 "He's goin dahn, and killin all da sheep and ox and fattle cattle, and he calls all his peeps on his cell ; and, like, they gets first dibs on the eats, and sez, Ceiling cat big up king Adonijah"

25 "But I, I and Zadok an Benaiah an Solomon, we wuz all paged"

26 "Wuz it da king? did he show the peeps his chair?"

27 "And David King sez, "Hey Bathsheba, sweetie, call me sometime" and she calls"

28 "and king sez promises to Ceiling Cat and sez "Ceiling cat has chilled me right out""

29 "I sez more wurdz to Cieling cat 'cos I iz ded srs bout dis, Solomon will sit on my chair so he will, srsly"

30 "And Bathsheba gets down and does bowing an respekt and stuffs to the King and sez "You live long time""

31 "And Davey King Sez "Beep Zadok, and Nathan and Benaiah" and dey comes a runnin"

32 "Teh kittehs put Solomans on David's mule's ass and gave he an escorts to Gihon."

33 ""and Zadok and Nathan anointify him an make him king and play a funky tune on da trumpet and sing 'Ceiling Cat save Solomon' and den do a liddle dance and makes a liddle luv"

34 ""and den bring him backs here and he can sits on my chair and be da bossman""

35 "And Benaiah sez "NYOM! Ceiling cat sez so an all""

36 "And Soloman sez "All go home now, kthksbai""

1 Kings 1
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