1 Kings 11

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Solomon No Longah BFF Wif Ceiling Cat

1 But King Solomon luvved many foriegn women, as well as teh daughetr uv teh Pharaoh: women uv teh Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Dionians, an Hittites--2 frum teh natshuns dat Ceiling Cat sed to teh kittehs uv Israel, "Yu no can has marree wif dem, nor dem wif yu. 'Caues dey will maek yu turn yur haerts away afetr dere godz. Srsly." Solomon lurved him wifez tho liek kittehs loev cheezburgerz.3 An him had 700 wifez, princessz, an tree hundred concubinz; an him wifez turneded away him haert.4 Fer it wuz so, wen Solomon wuz old, dat him wifes turneded him haert afetr uder godz; an him haert wuz not loyalz tew Ceiling Cat, unliek how him daddeh David wuz.5 Fer Solomon wen afetr Ashtoreth teh goddess uv teh Sidonians, an afetr Milcom teh abominachun uv teh Ammonites.6 Solomon didz ebil in teh site uv Ceiling Cat, an no giev Ceiling Cat any Pokemans, as didz him daddeh David.7 Den Solomon can builded a hi plaec fer Chemosh teh abominachun uv Moab, on teh hill dat is east uv Jerusalem, an fer Molech teh abominachun uv teh peeps uv Ammon.8 An him did liekwiz fer all him foriegn wifes, who burnd catnipz an sacrifizd to dere gods.

9 So Ceiling Cat gotz pissed off at Solomon, becaues him haert had turneded awaiz frum Ceiling Cat, who can had appeerd to him twice,10 an had comandeded him consurnin dis ting, dat him shud no goez afetr uthr godz; but him no keptz wut Ceiling Cat toldz him to doez.11 Derefur Ceiling Cat sed to Solomon, "WTF?! Since yu no can fullo instructchuns liek Ai toldz yu tew, ai can has stealeded yur kingdum frum yu an giev it tew yur servunt.12 But fer teh saek uv yur daddeh David, Ai can has wait until teh dayz uv yur son to do dat.13 Oh wiat. Ai no can has stealed teh hoel kingdum frum yer son; him can has one trieb fur teh sake of Mai servunt David, an fer teh saek uv Jerusalem wich I can has chozn. LOL yea dat be abot rite."

D00ds Who No Liek Solomon

14 Nao Ceiling Cat raised up a advursareh agants Solomon, Hadad teh Edomite; him wuz a decendunt uv teh king in Edom.15 Fer it happend, wen David wuz in Edom, an Joab teh commandah uv teh armeh wen to burai teh ded ppl afetr him can has pwnd all teh maels in Edom16 (becaues fer six munths Joab stayd dere wif all Israel, until him pwnd all teh d00ds in Edom)17 dat Hadad ran awai to Egypt, him an certina Edomites uv him daddeh's servunts wif him. Hadad wuz still a littel d00d. Srsly.18 Den dey arised frum Midian an caem to Paran; an dey tuk d00ds wif dem frum Paran an caem to Egypt, to Pharaoh king uv Egypt, who gived him a houes, fud, an ladn.19 An Hadad becaem BFFs wif Pharaoh, an gived him Pokemons, so dat Pharaoh gived him teh sitser uv him own wief fer a wief--teh sitser uv Queen Tahpenes.20 Den teh sitser uv Tahpenes waend in Pharaoh's houes. An Genubath wuz in Pharaoh's houeshodl amung teh sons uv Pharaoh.

21 So wen Hadad haerd in Egypt dat David maek incestous sleep wif him daddehs, an dat Joab teh commandah wuz ded, Hadad sed to Pharaoh, "Oh hai. I can has go hoem to mai countrai?"22 Den Pharaoh sed to him, "WTF? Yu no can beez happee herez but wantz to goez hoem?" An he sed, "Iz happee here, but let meh goez hoem anywai."

23 An Ceiling Cat raizd up anuther advursareh against him, Rezon teh son uv Eliadah, who ran frum him lord, Hadadezer king uv Zobah.24 So him gathurd men to him an becaem capitan ovah a band of raidahs (uv teh Lost Ark? OMG!) wen David killd dose uv Zobah. An dey wen to Damascus an stayd dere, an reignd in Damascus.25 Him wuz an advursareh uv Israel all teh dais uv Solomon (besieds all teh trubl dat Hadad cauesd); an him no liekd Israel, and rueld ovah Syria.

Jeroboam's Rebelyun

26 Den Solomon's servunt, Jeroboam teh son uv Nebat, an Ephraiamite frum Zereda, whoz mommeh's naem was Zeruah, a widow, also rebled aganst teh king. 27 An dis is wat cauesd him to rebel aganst teh king: solomon can had bilt teh Millo an repiard teh damagez uv teh Citeh uv David him daddeh.28 Teh d00d Jeroboam wuz a mighteh d00d uv valur; an Solomon seez dat teh yung d00d wuz endustreeus an maeks him teh officah ovah all teh laybur focre uv teh houes uv Joseph.

29 Nao it happund at teh tiem, wen Jeroboam went out uv Jerusalem, dat teh proffet Ahijah teh Shilonite met him on teh way; an he wuz wearin a nu Caturday roeb, an teh two were aloen in teh feidl.30 Den Ahijah toer him nu Caturday roeb into twelf peicez. (An Jeroboam wuz all liek, "OMG! I can seez ur hrbl! Srsly.")31 An him sed to Jeroboam, "Oh hai. Yu can has ten peicez, fer Ceiling Cat sez: 'Behold, Ai will stealed teh kingdom frum teh hand uv Solomon, an yu can has ten triebz32 (but him can has one trieb fer teh saek uv Mai peep David, an fer teh saek uv Jerusalem, wich Ai can has choesn out uv all teh triebz uv Israel),33 becaues dey has forsaekn Meh, an wurshippd Ashtoreth teh goddess uv teh Sidonians, Chemosh teh god uv teh Moabites, an Milcom teh god uv teh peeps uv Ammon, an dey no can has do wut Ai tellz dem iz rite to do, not liek Mai BFF David did.

34 Howevr I will no stealed teh kingdum rite nao becaues I can has maed him rulr fur lief fer teh saek of Mai BFF David, whom Ai choes becaues he no didz ebil.35 But I will stealed teh kingdum frum him son an giev yu ten triebz.36 An Solomon's son can has one trieb, dat Mai peep David can has lite on fer Meh in Jerusalem (kinda liek Motel Six), teh citeh Ai has choesn fer Meh to put Mai naem to.37 So I willz taek yu, an yu can has ruel ovah all yur haert desiurs, an yu can has ruel ovah Israel as king.38 Den, if yu does wut Ai sez to do an no do ebil jsut liek David did, den Iz wif yu an bild fer yu endurin houes, liek wut I maed fer David, an yu can has Israel.39 An Ai willz afflickt teh descendunts uv David becaues uv dis, but not forevah.'"

40 Solomon wuz all liek "OMGWTF?!?!1" abot eet an did want Jeroboam ded. Srsly. But Jeroboam ranz off to Shishak teh king uv Egypt, an wuz in Egypt til Solomon wuz ded. Srsly.

Teh Deth Uv Solomon

41 Nao teh rest uv teh acts uv Solomon, all dat him did, an him wisdum, dey can has been writen in teh buk uv teh acts uv Solomon? Kthnx.42 An teh periud dat Solomon rueld in Jerusalem ovah all uv Israel wuz forteh yars.43 Den Solomon tuk incestous rest wif him daddehs, an wuz bureed in teh Citeh uv David wif him daddeh. An Rehoboam him son tuk him plaec.

1 Kings 11
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