1 Kings 13
From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Teh Messaeg uv teh D00d uv Ceiling Cat
1 An behuld, a d00d uv Ceiling Cat wen frum Judah to Bethel on teh Monorail Cat by teh werd uv Ceiling Cat, an Jeroboam stud bai teh altar to burnz catnipz.2 Den him cried out aganst teh altar by teh werd uv Ceiling Cat, an sed, "O altar, altar! Dus sez Ceiling Cat: 'Behuld, a kiddeh, Josiah bai naem, shall be born to teh houes uv David; an on yu him shall pwn teh priests uv teh hi-spots who burnz catnipz on yu, an d00dz' boenz shall be burndz on yu.'"3 An him gaev a sign teh saem dai, an sez, "Dis is teh sign dat Ceiling Cat can has spoekn: Shureleh teh altar can has splittd apart, an teh ashz on eet will pourz out."
4 So wen King Jeroboam herd wut teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat sed, him was rlly pissed off. Srsly. An him strecthd out him hadn an sed, "Arrest him!" Den him outstrecthd hadn withurd an him culdn't pull it bak to himsefl.5 Teh altar wuz also splittd apart, an teh ashz pourzd out, jsut liek teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat sed.6 Den teh king wuz liek, "Oh hai d00d uv Ceiling Cat. Yu can has axe Ceiling Cat to heal mai hadn, kthnx?" So teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat axed Ceiling Cat, an sinec Him is BFFs wif teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat, teh king's hadn wuz heald.7 An den teh king sed to teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat, "Thnx! Yu can coem hoem wif meh an we can has cheezburgrz togethur? Ai will giev yu soem Pokemans."
8 But teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat sed to teh king, "DO NOT WANT, evun if yu gaev meh haf yur houes. I no can goez wif yu, or eated or drinked anyting here.9 Becaues Ceiling Cat sed to meh, "Yu no get nom noms or waetr in dis plaec, nor taek teh saem Monorail Cat rouet bak."10 So him taek differunt rouet an no tuk teh Monorail Cat rouet bak thru Bethel.
Teh D00d uv Ceiling Cat Getz Pwnd
11 Nao an old proffet lievd in Bethel, an him sons caem an told him wut teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat sed to teh king an wut happnd in Bethel.12 An dem daddeh sed, "Wich wai did him go, George, wich wai did him go?" Fer him sons sawz wich wai teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat wen who caem frum Judah.13 Den him sed to him sonz, "Gimmeh mai car keyz, kthnx." So dey gaev him teh car keyz an him droev off14 to luk fer teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat, an found him sittin undah an oak. Den he pulld ovah an sed, "Yu iz teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat who caem frum Judah?" An teh d00d sed, "Iz."
15 Den him sed to teh d00d, "Coem hoem wif meh an we can has cheezburgrz, kthnx."
18 Him sed to teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat, "Iz proffet tew, an a angel sed to meh by werd uv Ceiling Cat an sed, "Oh hai. Taek teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat bak wif yu to yur houes, dat him can has cheezburgrs and get waetr.'" (But him was no tellin truf.)
19 An teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat wuz all liek, "Kthnx" an hoppd into teh utha proffet's car an dey heded bak, an had cheezburgrs an drakn waetr at teh proffet's houes.
20 As dey sat at teh tabel, teh werd uv Ceiling Cat caem to teh proffet dat brot teh utha d00d bak;21 an him cried out to teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat who caem frum Judah, and sed to him, "Thus sez Ceiling Cat: 'WTF? Why yu no lissen to Meh?22 Becaues yu no lissen to Meh an eated fud an drinked waetr in dis plaec tho Ai told yu "yu no can has fud or waetr here, kthnx", yur ded bodee will no haev incestous rest wif yur daddehs in der toom.'"
23 So afetr him had eated cheezburgrs an drinked waetr, teh proffet offahd to giev teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat a ried bak to Judah, but teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat sed "no thnx", so teh proffet giev him a bicycel to ried bak.24 Wen him wuz goen, a lion met him on teh road an pwnd him, an him wuz ded. An teh lion thru teh ded bodee on teh road by teh still-uprite bicyel. Teh lion also stud bai teh ded bodee.25 An dere, tree men passd bai an sawz teh ded bodee on teh road, an sawz teh lion bai teh ded bodee, an dey were all liek, "OMG a lion! WTF?!" Den dey ran off an told teh ppl uv teh citeh where teh old proffet lievd.
26 Nao wen teh proffet who had brot teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat bak frum teh wai herd teh news, him sed, "Iz teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat who no lissen to Ceiling Cat's instructchuns. So Ceiling Cat let teh lion pwn him on teh road, jsut liek Ceiling Cat sed wuld happn."27 An him sed to him sonz, "I can has car keyz? Kthnx." So dey gaev him teh car keyz.28 Den him droev an foudn teh ded bodee thrown on teh road, an teh bicyel an teh lion standin bai teh ded bodee. Teh lion did not eated teh ded bodee an did not stealed teh bicyel.29 An teh proffet put teh ded bodee in teh back seat uv teh car, an teh bicyel in teh trunk, an brot it all bak to teh city to bureh teh ded bodee, an be all sad.30 Den him laid teh ded bodee in him own toom; an dey was sad ovha him an sed, "Alas, mai bruther!" (But it wuz teh proffet's fault teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat wuz ded; him no toldz teh truff.)31 So afetr dey bureed teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat, teh proffet sed to him sonz, "When iz ded, den buree meh in dat toom dat we jsut put dat d00d in; lai mai bonz bai him bonz.32 For wut him sed bai teh werd uv Ceiling Cat aganst teh altar at Bethel an aganst teh shirnz on teh hi-spotz in teh citehz uv Samaria, will shurleh happen."
33 Afetr dis event Jeroboam no do rite, but agan maed preistz frum evereh class uv ppl fer teh hi-spotz; whoevah did want, he maed dem "holeh", an he becaem one uv teh preistz uv teh hi-spotz.34 An dis ting wuz teh invisible error uv teh houes uv Jeroboam, so as to pwn an delete eet frum teh faec uv teh urth. Srsly.
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