1 Kings 14

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Old Testament
Judegmen On Teh Houes uv Jeroboam

1 At dat tiem Abijah teh son uv Jeroboam becaem sik an stuff.2 An Jeroboam sed to him wief, "Getz up, plz, an put on yur faek glassez an stuff, dat dey no recogniez yu as mai wief, an go to Shiloh. Indeed, Ahijah teh proffet iz dere, who tol meh dat ai wud be king ovah deez peepz.3 Also taek wif yu ten loafz, soem caekz, an a jar uv honee, an go to him; him will tell yu wat will beoem uv teh kiddeh."4 An Jeroboam's wief did so; her arised an wen to Shiloh, an caem to teh houes uv Ahijah. But Ahijah no had eyesite, for him was old an stuff. Srsly.

5 Nao Ceiling Cat sed to Ahijah, "Oh hai. Here iz teh wief uv Jeroboam, comin to ask yu abot her son, for him is sik an stuff. Dus an dus yu shall sez to her; for it will be, wen her coemz in, her will preten to be soem uthr woman."

6 An so it wuz, wen Ahijah herd teh sound uv her futstepz as her caem thru teh door, him sed, "Oh hai. Coem in, wief uv Jeroboam. Niec try, but yu no foolz meh. I can has bad newz fer yu.7 Go, tell Jeroboam, 'Thus sez Ceiling Cat uv Israel: "Becaues Ai exhalted yu from among teh peeps, an maed yu rulr ovah Mai ppl Israel,8 an toer teh kingdum awai frum teh houes uv David, an gaev it to yu; an yet yu no haev been liek Mai servunt David, who kept Mai commandmuntz an who follod Meh wif all him hart, to do onlee wut wuz rite in Mai eyez;9 but yu has dun moar ebil dan all who was befor yu, for yu has goed and maed for yurself uthr godz and molded imagez to maek Meh mad, and haev cast Meh behind yur bak--10 therfor behold! I will bring disastur on teh hous uv Jeroboam, an will cut off frum Jeroboam evury mael in Israel, bond and free;I will taek away wut's left uv teh hous uv Jeroboam, as one taeks out teh trash until iz all goen.11 Teh loldogz will eated whoevur belongz to Jeroboam and iz ded in teh citeh, an teh lolbirdz uv teh air will eated whoevur iz ded in teh field, for Ceiling Cat has speaked!"'12 Ariz, den, and go to yur hous. When yur feetz entur teh citeh, teh kiddeh will be ded. Srsly.13 And all uv Israel will be sad and stuff for him, and bureh him, for him iz teh only one uv Jeroboam who will coem to teh grave, because him iz teh only one in teh hous of Jeroboam dat Ceiling Cat lieks.

14 "Moarovar Ceiling Cat will raise up for Hisself a king ovar Israel who will cutz off teh hous of Jeroboam; dis is teh dai. Lolwut? Even nao!15 For Ceiling Cat will striek Israel, as salt onto friez. Him will taek Israel frum dis gud land which Him gaev der daddehz, an will scattr dem beyond teh Euphrates, becaus dey haev maked der wuden imagez, maeking Ceiling Cat very angreh.16 And Him will giev Israel up becaus Jeroboam committed teh Invisible Error an maed Israel commit Invisible Errorz."

17 Den Jeroboam's wief left, and caem bak to Tirzah. Wen her caem to teh door uv teh hous, teh kiddeh wuz ded.18 An dey bureed him; an all Israel wuz sad, just liek wut Ceiling Cat sed thru Him peep Ahijah teh proffet.

Deth uv Jeroboam

19 Nao teh rest uv teh actz uv Jeroboam, how him maed war and how him reignd, iz writed in teh buk uv teh chroniclez uv teh kingz uv Israel.20 Teh tiem dat Jeroboam ruld wuz twenty-two yearz. So him rested wif him daddehs. Den Nadab him son tuk him plaec.

Rehoboam Rulez in Judah

21 And Rehoboam teh son uv Solomon ruled in Judah. Rehoboam wuz forty-oen yearz old whn him becaem king. Him ruled fer seventeen yearz in Jerusalem, teh citeh which Ceiling Cat choosed out uv all teh triebz uv Israel, to put Him naem dere. Rehoboam's mommeh's naem wuz Naamah, an Ammonitess.22 Nao Judah did ebil in teh site uv Ceiling Cat, an dey maed Ceiling Cat mad with all der Invisible Errorz, moar dan der daddehz had doen.23 For dem also maed for demselfz hi plaecz, sacrd pillarz, an wuden imaegz on evury hi hill an under evury green tree.24 An dere were also nasty ppl in teh land. Dey did just liek teh teh ppl who lievd in Israel befur teh Israelitez did.

25 It happend in teh fifth yaer uv King Rehoboam dat Shishak king uv Egypt caem up against Jerusalem.26 And him tuk all teh treasurz uv Ceiling Cat's hous and out uv teh king's hous; him tuk evuryting. Him also tuk teh gold shields dat Solomon had maed.27 Den King Rehoboam maed bronez sheildz in der plaec, an maed teh capitanz uv teh guard who guarded teh door to him hous, carree dem.28 An whenevur teh king enterd Ceiling Cat's hous, teh guards carreed dem, den brot dem bak into teh guardrum.

29 Nao teh rest uv teh actz uv Rehoboam, and all dat him did, iz writtn in teh buk uv teh chroniclez uv teh kingz uv Judah.30 And der wuz war between Rehoboam and Jeroboam all der daiz.31 So Rehoboam rested wif him daddehz, an wuz bureed wif him daddehz in teh Citeh uv David. Den Abijam him son tuk him plaec.

1 Kings 14
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