1 Kings 18

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Old Testament
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Elikhat's Messuge To Ahab

1 An it caem to pass afetr manee dais dat teh werd uv Ceiling Cat caem to Elikhat, in teh tird yar, sezing, "Oh hai. Go present yurself to Ahab, an Ai can sen rain down on teh urth. Srsly."

2 So Elikhat wen to present hisself to Ahab; an dere wuz a seveer famin in Samaria.3 An Ahab had calld Obadiah, who wuz in chareg uv him houes. (Nao Obadiah pheard Ceiling Cat grately.4 Wen Jezebel pwnd teh proffetz uv Ceiling Cat, him tuk one hundred proffetz an hid dem, fiftee to a caev, an fed dem wif bred an watur.)5 An Ahab sed to Obadiah, "Go into teh land to all teh springs uv watur an to all teh brookz; perhaps we mai find grass fer teh horsez and muelz to eated, so we no haev to pwnz any uv dem."6 So dey divideded teh land between dem to exploer it; Ahab wen one wai by hisself, an Obadiah wen anothur way bai hisself.

7 Nao as Obadiah wuz on him wai, suddenlee Elikhat met him; an him recognized him, an fell on him faec, an sed, "Meow! Iz yu, Elikhat?!"

8 An him sed, "Iz. Go, tell yur mastur, 'Elikhat iz here.' Kthnx."

9 So him sed, "D00d, wat did Ai do to desurev to be delivurd into teh hand uv Ahab to be pwnd?10 As Ceiling Cat lievz, der iz no natchun or kingdum where mai mastur no has sen someoen to hunt fer yu; an wen dey sed, 'Him iz no here, sorree,' him tuk an oath frum teh natchun or kingdum dat dey cud no find yu.11 An nao yu sez, 'Go, tell yur mastur, "Elikhat iz here."'!12 An Ai know dat wen Iz goen frum yu, Hover Cat will taek yu to invisible plaec; so wen ai go tellz Ahab, an him no can find yu, him will pwnz meh. But ai yur servunt haev pheard Ceiling Cat since ai wuz kiddeh.13 Wuz wut Ai did wen Jezebel pwnd teh proffetz uv Ceiling Cat, wen ai hid one hundred men uv Ceiling Cat'z proffetz, fifty to a caev an fed dem bread an watur, wuz dat liek invisible report?14 An nao yu sez, 'Go, tell yur mastur, "Elikhat iz here."' Him will pwnz me, d00d! Srsly!"

15 Den Elikhat sed, "As Ceiling Cat lievz, befur whom ai stand, ai can has meetz wif him todai."

16 So Obadiah wen to meet Ahab, an told him, an Ahab wen to meet Elikhat.

17 Wen Ahab saw Elikhat, him sed, "Iz yu, trubler uv Israel?"

18 An him answerd, "Ai no haev maed trubl to Israel, but yu an yer daddeh's houes haev, in dat yu forsaekn teh commandmentz uv Ceiling Cat an haev followd teh Baals uv Twine.19 Nao derefor, sen an gathr all Israel to meh on Mount Carmel, teh four hundrd an fifteh proffetz uv Baal uv Twine, an teh four hundrd proffetz uv Asherah, who eat at Jezebel's tabel. Kthnxbai."

Elikhat Pwnz on Mount Carmel

20 So Ahab sen fer all teh kiddehs uv Israel, an gathurd teh proffetz togethur on Mount Carmel.21 An Elikhat caem to all teh ppl, an sed, "How long will yuz falturz between two opinyunz? If Ceiling Cat is God, den follo Him, but if Baal uv Twine is, follo him." But teh ppl gaev no sed anyting.22 Den Elikhat sed, "Iz bai maiself as proffet uv Ceiling Cat, but dere be four hundrd an fifty d00dz uv Baal uv Twine.23 Derfor let dem giev us tew bullz; an let dem chooz tew bullz fer demselvz, maek hamburgr pattiez uv it, an lai it on teh wud, but put no fier under eet; an ai will turn teh uthr bull intew hamburgr pattiez, an lai it on teh wood, but put no fief under eet.24 Den yu will call on teh naem uv yur godz, an ai will call on Ceiling Cat; an teh One who answrs bai fier is God." So all teh ppl sed in respons, "Dat's fair."

25 Nao Elikhat sed to teh proffetz uv Baal uv Twine, "Chooz oen bull fer yurselfz an maek hamburgr pattiez uv it first, fer yu iz manee; an call on teh naem uv yur god, but no put fier under eet."

26 So dey tuk teh bull dat dey were gievn, an maed hamburgr pattiez uv it, an calld on teh naem uv Baal uv Twine from mornin evun til noon, sezing, "Baal can has cheeseburgr?" But Baal uv Twine wuz liek Invisible Deity; him no sen fier. Den dey lept abot teh altur dey maed.

27 An so eet wuz, at noon, dat Elikhat mockd dem an sed, "LMAO Either yur god iz liek Invisible Deity, or yur jsut doin it wrong! Mabee him is asleep, even. Mabee yu need moar noiz."28 So dey cried out, an cut demselvz liek emos, as wuz dere custum, wif knievz an lanecs, until teh blud gushd out on dem.29 An wen middai wuz past, dey proffezizd until teh tiem uv teh evenin sacrifiec. But Baal uv Twine wuz still liek Invisible Deity. Srsly.

30 Den Elikhat told teh ppl, "C'mere." So all teh ppl caem to him. An him fixd teh altar uv Ceiling Cat dat wuz brokn down.31 An Elikhat tuk twelv stoenz, oen fer each trieb uv Israel.32 Den wif teh stoenz him bilt an altar in teh naem uv Ceiling Cat; an him maed a trench aroun teh altar big enuff to hold tew sheahz uv seed.33 An him put teh wud in ordr, maed teh bull into hamburgr pattiez, an laid it on teh wud, an sed, "Fill four waturpotz wif watur, an pour eet on teh hamburgrz an on teh wud."34 Den him had dem do eet tree moar tiems.35 So teh watur ran all aroun teh altar; an him also filld teh trench wif wautr.

36 An it caem to pass, at teh tiem uv teh evenin sacrifiec, dat Elikhat teh proffet caem near an sed, "Ceiling Cat uv Abraham, Isaac, an Israel, let it be known dis dai dat Yu is teh One in Israel an Iz Yur servunt, an dat ai has doen all dese tings at Yur word.37 Hear meh, Ceiling Cat, turn on yur hearing aid if yu must, so dat dese ppl know yu iz Ceiling Cat, an dat Yu haev turnd dere hartz bak tew Yu agan."

38 Den teh fier uv Ceiling Cat caem down an eated teh hamburgrz NOM NOM NOM, an burned up teh wud an stoenz an teh dust, an drinkd teh watur dat wuz in teh trench.39 Nao wen teh ppl saw dis, dey fell on dere faecz, and were all liek, "Meow!!! Ceiling Cat pwnz all!"

40 An Elikhat sed to dem, "Grab teh proffetz uv Baal uv Twine! Doan let any uv dem escaep!" So dey caut dem; an Elikhat tuk dem down to teh Brook Kishon an pwnzord dem dere. Srsly.

Teh Drout Endz

41 Den Elikhat sed to Ahab, "Go up, eat an drink, fer dere iz teh sound uv abundanec uv rain."42 So Ahab wen to go get sum fud and drink. An Elikhat wen up to teh top uv Carmel; den him bowd down to teh ground, an put him faec between him kneez,43 and sed to him servant, "Go nao, luk toward teh sea." So teh d00d wen up an lukd, an sed, "Dere iz nothin." An seven tiems him sed, "Go again."

44 Den it caem to pass teh seventh tiem, dat him sed, "Iz a cloud, as small as a dood's hand, risin out uv teh sea!" So him sed, "Go up, sez to Ahab, 'Prepair yur taxi, an go down befor teh rain stops yu.'"

45 Nao it happend in teh meantiem dat teh sky becaem black wif cloudz an wind, an dere wuz a hevvy rain. So Ahab droev off an wen to Jezreel.46 Den teh hand uv Ceiling Cat caem upon Elikhat; an him girded up him loinz an ran ahed uv Ahab to teh entranec uv Jezreel.

1 Kings 18
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