1 Kings 19

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Old Testament
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Elikhat Can Runned Frum Jezebel

1 An Ahab can telled Jezebel wut Elikhat had dun, an how him pwnd all teh proffetz wif him machine gun.2 Den Jezebel sen a txt to Elikhat an it sed, "Iz goan to pwnz yu dis tiem tomorrow, kthnxbai."3 An wen him gotz dat txt, him ran fer him lief, an wen to Beersheba, which belongz to Judah, an left him servunt dere.

4 But him wen on a dai'z jurneh bai himself into teh wildness, an caem an sat undr a brum tree. An him prayed fer deth an sed, "Iz enuff! Ceiling Cat, getz meh outz uv here, Iz no bettah dan meh daddehs!"

5 Den as him sleepd unda a brum tree, suddenlee an angel-kitteh tuchd him, an sed, "Oh hai. Getz up an eats."6 Den him lukd, an der by him hed wuz a caek baekd on coalz, an a jar uv waetr. So him eated an drinked, an wen bak to sleep.7 An teh angel-kitteh uv Ceiling Cat caem bak a secunt tiem, an tuchd him, an sed, "Getz up an eats, fer teh jurneh iz too great fer yu."8 So him gotz up an eated an drinked, an him wen in teh strenght uv dat fud ferteh dais and ferteh nites as far as Horeb, teh muntan uv Ceiling Cat.

9 An der him wen into a caev, an spent teh nite in dat plaec; teh word uv Ceiling Cat caem to him, an sed, "Oh hai. Y yu here, d00d?"

10 So him sed, "Iz has bustd mai tailz off fer Ceiling Cat; fer teh Kiddehz uv Israel has forsaekn Yur promiz, teared down Yur altarz, an pwnd Yur proffetz wif der machine gunz. Iz onleh survivah; an dey wantz meh ded."

Ceiling Cat's Revelatchun To Elikhat

11 Den Ceiling Cat sed, "Go out, an stand on teh muntan befoer Meh." An behuld, Ceiling Cat passd bai, an a graet an strong wind toer into teh muntanz an breaked teh rokz in pieces befor Ceiling Cat, but Ceiling Cat wuz no in teh wind; an afetr teh wind teh urth shuk,12 but Ceiling Cat wuz no dere either; an afetr teh urth shuk dere wuz a fier, but Ceiling Cat wuz no dere either; an afetr teh fier dere wuz a small voiec.

13 Wen Elikhat herd dis, him wrapped him faec in him mantel an wen out an stud in teh entranec uv teh caev. Suddenlee a voiec caem to him, an sed, "Y yu here, Elikhat?"

14 An him sed, "Iz has bustd mai tailz off fer Ceiling Cat; fer teh Kiddehz uv Israel has forsaekn Yur promiz, teared down Yur altarz, an pwnd Yur proffetz wif der machine gunz. Iz onleh survivah; an dey wantz meh ded."

15 Den Ceiling Cat sed to him: "Go bak to teh Wildurnez uv Damascus; wen yu get dere, anoint Hazael as king ovah Syria.16 Also yu shall anoint Jehu teh son uv Nimshi as king ovah Israel. An Elisha teh son uv Shapat uv Abel Meholah yu shall anoint as proffet in yur plaec.17 An it can beez dat whoevah escaepz frum teh gunz uv Hazael, Jehu will pwn; an whoevah escaepz teh gunz uv Jehu, Elisha will pwn.18 Yet Ai can has reservd seven tousan in Israel, all whoes nees no can has bowd to Baal uv Twine, an evereh mouth dat no can has kissd him."

Elisha Folloz Elikhat

19 So him departd frum dere, an foun Elisha teh son uv Shaphat, who wuz plowing wif twelv yoak uv oxen befor him, an him was wif teh twelf. Den Elikhat passd bai him an threw him mantel on him.20 An him lef him oxen an runnd afetr Elikhat, an sed, "Let meh kiss meh daddeh an mommeh, an den I can has folloz yu." An him sed to him, "Go bak, fer wut has I dun to yu?"

21 So Elisha turnd bak frum him, an tuk a yoak uv oxen an pwnd dem an boild der flesh, usin teh oxen's equipmunt, an gaev it to teh peeps, an dey eated. Den him aroes an follod Elikhat, an becaem him servant.

1 Kings 19
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