1 Kings 2

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Old Testament
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David Telz Solomon Wat 2 Doo

1 D00d David nu himz gunna getz ded; him meowz to hiz kittn Solomon,

2 Oh hai, Ai a gunna be ded catz: U be muscle catz, U be a big catz;3 An lookey afta Lard Cat fer me, taik himz fer lawng walkz, watchz judge judy, listn to hiz yammerin, skratch hiz stuffz, anna hiz testiclz, laik Moses emailed dem instrukshionz 2 meh, dat youse maik lotsa goodiez, anna watevva:4 Sos Lard Cat keepz yammerin at meh, stuffz laik, Iffn yer kittnz do stuffz, taik lawng walkz inna park lookin fer cheezebrgrz An warm milk, demz nawt gunna get F gradez in skool (sed himz) da cat onna toilet uv Itzreal?.

5 Youse seez wat Joab teh kittn uv Zeruiah did to meh, an 2 da captin' crunchz uv Itzreal?, toda Abner teh kittn uv Ner, antoo Amasa teh kittn uv Jether, him killd him ded, an hadda CatfightZ! inna alleyway, an rubbd da furz wit blud an gutz frum da Catfightz!, an gotz blud on hiz pawz. RAWR him srsly bad kittn. Liek srsly.6 U duz watcher wanna duz, jest be gud to himz liek.

7 Be gud to da kittnz uv Barzillai teh Gileadite, An lettum eated cheezbrgrz atta yer plaze: cauz dems lemme crash over at der plaze wehn yer brudder Absalom wuz pullin mah tailz.8 Lookey heer, dat gai Shimei teh kittnz of Gera iz witcha, a Benjamite uv Bahurim, himz told mez to EFF OFF AND DIE wen I wentz 2 Mahanaim, srsly: but himz metted mez atta Jordan, and I wuz liek, OMG Lard Catz, miawin, Ai nawt gunna clawzya to def or nuffin, stoopidz catz, srsly.9 Kall him a muddr fugger, willzya: youse a brainiac, An nose watta do wit himz; butt him ugly faze maik you wanna puke an be ded.

10 WTF INCEST? "So David slept with his fathers" WTF? (datz KJV own werds, funny riet?), and tooka srsly incestuous dirtnap inna Davidz littrboxz.11 And teh daiz taht David wuz king uv Itzreal? wuz 14600 daiz (datz 40 yrs, riet or 350400 hors or 21024000 minootz or 1261440000 sekunz): seben yrs himz in Hebron, and dirty-tree yars himz in Jouslum. Dont nose da minootz orda sekunz.12 Den Solomon shat onna teh littrboxz uv David hiz dadacatz; an gotz fresh littr inniz littrboxz. Dat niez smellz.

Solomon'z On Teh Throan!

13 And Adonijah teh kittn uv Haggith cum 2 taik a Bathsheba teh muddr uv Solomon. An she purrd, Wanna Catfight!? An him sed, Naw, No Catfight!.14 Anny sed, I Gunna Have Sum Werdz Witchoo. Anna she said, Do Tellz Meh, WTF Up?.

15 Anny sed, Datz Mien Littrboxz, Keep Yer Pawz Orffa It, Demz Itzreal? Nose Me, Aibe Da Kingcat: WTF, Howcum Itzall Rong, Anna Itz Bruddr Catz: Lard Cat Gibbit Too Himz Az Freebee.16 Kin I askyaz a flavr?, An donsay Nope. An shez sed, Okey-Dokey.

17 Hez sed, Ai a skairdy katz so U goask Solomon teh kingcatz, (he ain't gunna sez nope to U,) gimme Abishag the Shunammite azz wief soz I can boink her wit mah big peniz. Meeeeooow baby wantz Airbag da mattrezz-hag!

18 An Bathsheba sed, Hokay Skairdy Catz; Ai will gitz you da mattrezz-hag soz youse can boink her witcher big peniz.

19 Bathsheba den crawld to da Solomon Catz, beggin fur da mattrezz-hag soz Adonijah cud boink. Anna king cat gotz up, An bowz 2 her, an skratched inna hiz littrboxz, an maid a niez pile uv littr fer her 2 sitton; anna she sitz onna hiz right paw.

20 Den she sed, I wanna favr frum youse king cat; Donna sez nope 2 me boyyo. Anna king cat sez 2 her, WTF, muddr?: I donna sez nope 2 mah muddr. Srsly.

21 An she sez, Let Abishag the Shunammite be gibbin to Adonijah thy brothr azza wief, soz Adonijah can boink teh Airbag da mattrezz-hag wit himz big peniz. Him wantz da ORAL too. Anna buttseckz. Anna uddr stuffz wit sheepz dat I kant tellz ya.

22 And king Solomon cat sed, Why youse askin Abishag teh Shunammite mattrezz-hag fur Adonijah witda big peniz? him gunna wantz mah littrboxz too eh?; himz mah oldr bruddr cat; him wantz everting, himz gotz Abiathar teh priestcat onna hiz sied, anna fur shur Joab teh kittn uv Zeruiah.

23 Den Solomon cat sed, EFF U LARD CAT, An sez, Ceiling Cat wooda dun me ded, or wurse, iffn Adonijah nawt yammrd liek da Skairdy Cat dat himz iz.24 Lissenup, liek Ceiling Catz riet up inna sky, himz maid me portent cat, an putz me in mah littrboxz uf David mah dadacatz, An maid me a cozy chair, az him sed he wood do, Fur Shur, I'm Gunna Killz Ded Dat Big Peniz Adonijah LAIK TODAY.25 An king Solomon cat emaild dat azzazzin Benaiah teh kittn uv Jehoiada; sed go killz dat big peniz d00d, RAWR, riet frikkin naw, srsly.

26 Anto Abiathar teh priest cat sedto king cat, Hustle yer azz ta Anathoth, git yerself lost azzhoil; fur youse dumazz anna Ai shud killz yeh: buttz Ai ain't Catfightinz youse, cauze youze barkin mad feller dat nose Lard Cat Ceiling Cat frum way back B4 mah dadacatz David, an cuz youse swappd Invisibl Wite Stuff wit mah dadacatz an gots da herp jest liek mah dadacatz David.27 Den Solomon cat shovd Abiathar inna azz an stoppd himz frum bein priest cat uv teh Lard Cat; soin hez cud yammer an meow stuff dat Lard Cat nose, anna yammerd bout da crashpadz uv Eli in Shiloh.

28 Den Joab herd stuffz: cuz Joab wuz hangin wit Adonijah, an he dinna run wit Absalom. An Joab ran liek Skairdy Krybaby Cat to da littrboxz uv teh Lard Cat, anny droppd hiz pantz an bended over an grabbd hiz anklz an clozd himz eyez skairt-liek in frunt ofda altar soz he tookit backdoorz liek a mansheep. Meow-Baa-Oy! Pazz da KY, K? thnxbai.29 Den sum snitch told king Solomon cat taht Joab wuz hydin Skairdy Krybaby Cat inna littrboxz uv teh Lard Cat; An, Yo! Lookey!, himz bai teh altar. Den madazhell Solomon cat told azzazzin Benaiah teh kittn of Jehoiada, an sed, Go, jump himz Skairdy Krybaby Cat bonez or sumptin.

30 Soz azzazzin Benaiah cum inna littrboxz uv teh Lard Cat, an sez ta ankle grabbin Krybaby, Yo! King Solomon Cat sez, Cum ere baby. An Krybaby sez, Naw; Aiz Skairt an will die here. So azzazzin Benaiah runded to da king cat wit da nuz, an sez, Diz yammern iz wat Joab sed, datz all I gotz to tellyuz.

31 Soz king cat sez, Den Do Wat Himz Skairt Uv, Jump Hiz Bonez Wit A Pointy Stix, Den Bury Himz; iffn youse do dat, den Aiz lookz nawt guilty an haz no blud onme, datz Joabs blud Ai iz meowin bout, an no blud on da littrboxz of mah dadacatz.32 Anna Lard Cat will hav Joabs own bludz onniz hed, cuz Joab da bad d00d killn 2 uddr d00dz wit pointy stix nawt me, an killem bowf wit pointy stix iz bad, an mah dadacatz David dinna nose anytin bout defs uv doze 2 gaiz, Abner teh kittn of Ner, captain crunchz uv Itzreal?, anna Amasa teh kittn of Jether, captain crunchz uv J00duh.33 Demz blud iz Joabs problimz, an problimz uv Joabs kittnz: nawt fur David, or Davidz kittnz, or hiz scratchpadz, or hiz littrboxz, cuz Lard Cat naw a happy cat, meow, srsly.

34 Soz azzazzin Benaiah teh kittn uv Jehoiada trakd down Skairdy Joab cat, an jumpd hiz bonez wit a pointy stix, an killd himz deder den ded: den deyz put sum rokz on hiz ded skairdy corpz.35 Soz den teh king cat put azzazzin Benaiah teh kittn uv Jehoiada in hiz bedroom an sed gud boyyo: an Zadok teh priest cat letz king cat snooz inna cozy chair uv Abiathar.

36 Den teh king cat sended emailz 2 Shimei, an sez, Maik a gudder littrboxz in Jouslum, youkin stayz der, an stayz der furevva.37 Fur iffn youse evva skairdy katz anna runnawai, an swimz over da ribber Kidron, youse will getz yer fur wet anna be ded liek Skairdy Joab cat: Itz gunna be yerown fawlty towr iffn youse do dat.

38 Soz Shimei sed to king cat, Okey-Dokey, Izza stayin: wattevva youse want portent cat, dis bootlikr nose howta lik bootz. Soz Shimei libbed inna Jouslum manymanymanymany daze. Himz luky cat, srsly.

39 Den tree yrs l8r, 2 uv Shimei's bootlikn srvnts runded away to Achish teh kittn uv Maachah king uv Gath. Dez told Shimei, yammrin, Lookey, we bootlikin d00dz be in Gath.40 Soz Shimei gots orfin hiz azz, an den saddled hiz donkey-azz, an skidaddld to Gath lookin fer Achish an himz bootlikn runnawayz: so Shimei boogid, an skoopd up hiz bootlikrz frum Gath.

41 Soz sum snitchez told Solomon cat dat Shimei dun gon frum Jouslum 2 Gath, anna den cum bak.42 Boyoboyoboy wuz himz a mad catz. Teh king cat gets aholda Shimei, an sez, YOUSE DUMAZZ, I TOLDED YOUSE 2 NAWT 2 GO ANNA YOUSE PROMISD LARD CAT 2, ORELZE WEZ KIN KILLYAZ, an den youse meowed, OK-OK Sure I Nawt Goin Aniwere An Ai Hearz Youse...Youse Don Hafta Yell.43 Parently Iz Did Hafta Yell Cuz Youse Lied To Da Lard Cat, So Watz It Gunna Be Den?

44 Teh king cat sed 2 Shimei, Youse Nose Youse Bin A Bad Catz Anna Youse Gunna Git It;45 Taint Mai Fawlt Youse Skrewd Dumazz, sez king Solomon cat as him eated cheezebrgrz, az himz skratchd around inna littrboxz uv David.

46 Soz king cat emailed teh azzazzin Benaiah teh kittn uv Jehoiada; den himz lookded fur Dumazz cat, an jumped hiz bonez wit a pointy stix, an killd Shimei ded. Soz den da littrboxz uv Solomon needed sum fresh littr anna dez changded it an all smellz liek new old cheeze.

1 Kings 2
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