1 Kings 20

From LOLCat Bible Translation Project

Jump to: navigation, search
Old Testament
Bible5.gif

Contents

Ahab Defeetz teh Syrians

1 Nao Ben-Hadad teh king uv Syria gahterd all him forecs togetha; tirty-two kings wuz wif him, wif tanks an Humvees. An he wen an beseegd Samaria, an maed war aganst it.2 Den him sen messengarz into teh citeh to Ahab teh king uv Israel, an sed to him, "Thus sez Ben-Hadad:3 'Yur moneez iz mien; yur hawtest wievs an dauwterz iz mien.'"

4 An teh king uv Israel sed, "Yu can has wut yuz wantz. Jsut doan hurt meh, plz."

5 Den teh messengarz caem bak an sed, "Thus sez Ben-Hadad, 'Indeed I has sen to yu an sez, "Yur moneez, yur wievz, an yur kiddehz iz mein";6 but dis I will sen mai servuntz to yu tomorro at abut dis tiem, an dey will surch yur houes an teh houesz uv yur servuntz. An dey will taek all dat dey see dat dey liek.'"

7 An so Ahab wuz all liek, "OH NOEZ!!1!" an calld up all teh eldahs uv teh land an sed, "HALP!!! Dis man is a bullee, fer him wantz mai wievz, mai kiddehz, an mai moneez, an I no sez noez to him."

8 An all teh eldahz an the ppl sed to him, "LOL yu stoopid n00b. Tell him noez, an no lissen to him. Duh."

9 Derefur him sed to teh messengarz uv Ben-Hadad, "Tell mai lord teh king, 'All dat yu sen fer yur servunt teh first tiem ai will do, but I no can doez dis.'" An teh messangerz departd an brot bak werd to him.

10 Den Ben-Hadad sen to him an sed, "Teh gods do so to meh, an moer also, if enuf dust iz left uv Samaria fer a hadnful fer each uv teh ppl who follo meh."

11 So teh king uv Israel sed, "Tell him, 'Let not teh one who puts on him aromr bowst liek teh one who taekz it off.'"

12 An wen Ben-Hadad herd dis messuge, as him an teh kingz wer drikning at der HQ, dat him sed to him servunts, "Git redy." An dey gotz redy to attak teh citeh.

13 Suddenlee a proffet approachd Ahab king uv Israel an sed, "Thus sez Ceiling Cat: 'Oh hai. Yu can has seen teh big armee outsied? Behold, Ai will put it in yur hadn, an yu will knowz dat Iz Ceiling Cat.'"

14 So Ahab sed, "Bai whom?" An him sed, "Ceiling Cat sez, 'Bai teh yung leedurs uv teh provincz.'" Den him sed, "Who will preparez fer battel?" An him answurd, "Yu. Duh."

15 Den him mustard teh yung leedurs uv teh provincz, an dere were two hundred an tirty-two; an aeftr dem him mustard all teh ppl of Israel--seven tousand.

16 So dey wen out at noon. Meanwhilz Ben-Hadad an teh tirty-two kingz halping him were gettin dronk at der HQ.17 Teh yung leedurz uv teh provincz wen out furst. An Ben-Hadad sen out a patrol, an dey telled him, "Men iz coeming out uv Samaria!"18 So him sed, "If dey can has coem out fer peece or fer war, taek dem aliev."

19 Den deez yung leedurz uv teh provincz wen out uv teh citeh wif teh armeh dat folowed dem.20 An eech one pwnd him man; so teh Syrians ran, an Israel ran afetr dem; an Ben-Hadad teh king uv Syria grabbeded a Humvee an tuk off wif teh otha Humvees an tankz.21 Den teh king uv Israel wen out an pwnd teh tankz an Humvees, an killd teh Syrians wif a grate slawtr.

22 An teh proffet caem to teh king uv Israel an sed to him, "Go to teh gym an be strongend up; an prepair yurselvz, fer coem spring teh king uv Syria will be bak fer moar trubl."

Teh Syrians Getz Pwnd Agan

23 Den teh servunts uv teh king uv Syria sed, "Der godz iz teh godz uv teh hillz. Derfur dey wuz strongr dan us; but if we fite dem in teh plainz, den we can pwnz dem.24 So tell dem kingz to GTFO, an put capitanz in der plaecz;25 an maek a nu armeh liek teh one yu lost, tank fer tank, Humvee fer Humvee. Den we can fite dem in teh plinz; shurily we can pwnz dem." An teh king uv Syria wuz all liek, "Kthnx," an did so.

26 So, in teh spring uv teh yar, Ben-Hadad gotz his armeh uv Syrians an wen to Aphek to fite aganst Israel.27 An teh childrun uv Israel were mustard an gived fud an waetr an stuf, an dey wen off aganst dem. Nao teh childrun uv Israel in frunt uv where teh Syrians were wuz liek two littel kittenz, whiel teh Syrians were liek 23-inch-waist-cat.

28 Den a d00d uv Ceiling Cat caem an sed to teh king uv Israel, "Thus sez Ceiling Cat: 'Becaues teh Syrians sed, "Ceiling Cat iz teh Cat uv teh hills, but not teh Cat uv teh vallies," derefoer Ai will halp yu pwn deez peeps, an yu will knowed Iz Ceiling Cat.'"29 An dey sat der an staerd at eech otha fer sevn dais. On teh sevnth dai, teh battel wuz joynd; an teh children uv Israel pwnd one hundrd tousand Syrians in oen dai.30 But teh rest runned to Aphek, into teh citeh; den a wall fell on twenty-sevn tousand uv teh d00dz who wuz left. Srsly. An Ben-Hadad runned awai an wen into teh citeh, an hideded undah a couch.

Ahab Maekz Deal Wif Ben-Hadad

31 Den him servuntz sed to him, "Oh hai. We can has herd dat teh kingz uv teh houes uv Israel iz niec kingz. Plz let us wearz sackclothz around our waistz (to covr our hrbls) an ropez around our heads, an goez to teh king uv Israel; maibe him can has no pwn us, kthnx."32 So dey woerz der sackclothz an roepz, an goed to teh king uv Israel an sed, "Oh hai. Yur servunt Ben-Hadad sez, 'Plz let me liev, kthnx.'" An him sed, "Him no can has ben pwnd? Him is mai bruthr, kthnx."

33 Nao teh d00dz were watching cloeslee to see if Ahab wud pwnz dem; an dey kwiklee graspd at dis werd, an sed, "Yur bruthr Ben-Hadad." So him sed, "Go bring him. Duh." Den Ben-Hadad caem to him, an gotz in Ahab's car wif him.

34 So Ben-Hadad sed to him, "Teh citehz dat mai daddeh stealed frum yur daddeh I will giev bak; an yu mai set up Wal-Marts fer yurself in Damascus, as mai daddeh did in Samaria." Den Ahab sed, "We can has a deal." So dey shuk handz an sen him awai.

Ahab Pwnd Bai D00d uv Ceiling Cat

35 Nao a certin d00d uv teh sonz uv teh proffetz sed to him naybur bai teh werd uv Ceiling Cat, "Pwn me, plz. Kthnx" An teh d00d was all liek "No wai."36 Den him sed to teh d00d, "Becaues yu no obey teh werd uv Ceiling Cat, as soon as yu is goen, yu can has be pwnd by a lion." An so it happnd as Ceiling Cat sed it wud.

37 An so him found anuthr d00d, an sed, "Pwn me, plz. Kthnx" So teh d00d pwnd him, inflikting a woond.38 Den teh proffet left an waited fer teh king bai teh road, an put a banduge ovah him eye to be incogneeto.39 Nao as teh king droev bai, him maed teh king's car stop an wuz all liek, "Yur servunt wen out into teh middel uv teh battel; an dere, a d00d caem ovah an brot a d00d to meh an wuz all liek, 'Gaurd dis d00d; if him goez invisible d00d, yur lief will be fer him lief, or yu will giev meh a monees.'40 Whiel yur servunt wuz busy here an dere, him wuz goen." Den teh king uv Israel sed to him, "Stoopid d00d. Yu brot yur judgement on yurself."

41 An him kwiklee tuk him banduge off uv him eyez; an teh king uv Israel recogneyezd him as oen uv teh proffetz.42 Den him sed to him, "Thus sez Ceiling Cat: 'WTF? Why yu no lissen? Yu st00pid d00d! Becaues yu no pwnd teh d00d Ai wantzd yuz to pwn, yur lief shall goez fer him lief, an yur ppl fer him ppl.'"

43 An dis pissed Ahab off to no end, so him wen hoem actin all emo, an caem to Samaria.

1 Kings 20
Books Chapters
← Previous Next → ← Previous Next →
2 Samuel 2 Kings 1 Kings 19 1 Kings 21
Personal tools