1 Kings 21

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Old Testament
Naboth Iz Maed Ded Fur Him Vinyerd

1 An it caem to pass after dese tings dat Naboth teh Jezreelite can has a vinyerd dat wuz in Jezreel, next to Ahab teh king uv Samaria's palaec.2 So Ahab sed to Naboth, "Oh hai. Ai can has yur vinyerd, so ai can has a vegetabul gardun rite by mai plaec? Yu can has bettah vinyerd fer dis one. Or ai can gifs yu munnies fer it kthnx."

3 But Naboth sed to Ahab, "STFU! Ceiling Cat sez yu no can has mai inheritunce frum mai daddehs!"

4 So Ahab wen hoem all pissed off becaues Naboth sed to him "Yu no can has mai inheritunce frum mai daddehs." An he got in him bed an wuz all emo, an wudn't eated any fud.5 But Jezebel him wife caem to him, and sed, "Oh hai, y yu act so emo dat yu no eated yur fud?"

6 Him sed to her, "Iz emo becaues I sed to Naboth, 'I can has yur vinyerd? Ai can gifs yu anuther one or yu can has a money fer it.' An him sed, "STFU. Yu no can has mai vinyerd.'"7 Den Jezebel sed to him, "You can has tellz peeps wat to do! Stop bein emo an eated som fud--nom nom--and I can has Naboth teh Jezreelite's vinyerd fer yu."

8 An her rote emailz in Ahab's naem, an sent dem to teh eldahs an teh nobels who were in teh citeh wif Naboth.9 Teh email sed, "Call fer teh kittehs to no eated, an gif Naboth hi spot among teh kittehs;10 and can has two skankeh d00ds befer him and dey can has sez, "OMG yu talk bad abot Ceiling Cat an teh king! GTFO!!1" Den taek him out, and thrwo stoens at him until him iz ded. Srsly."

11 So teh d00ds (teh nobels an teh eldahs) of Naboth's citah did liek Jezebel tolded dem to do in teh emailz.12 Dey calleded fer teh kittehs to no eated, and gif Naboth hi spot among teh kittehs.13 An two skankeh d00ds caem out and talked bad abot him to in front uv teh othurs; dey sez, "Hay! Naboth iz no peeps wif Ceiling Cat or teh king!" An teh kittehs were liek, "OH NOEZ DO NOT WANT" an taeked Naboth outsied teh citeh an trew stoens at him, until him was ded frum teh stoens. Srsly.14 Den dey sents email to Jezebel wich sez, "We can has stoeneded Naboth an him is ded. Srsly."

15 An so wen Jezebel gotz teh email an red dat Naboth wuz ded, her sed to Ahab, "Oh hai. Yu no act emo nao; yu can has dat vinyerd becaues Naboth iz ded nao. Yu no haev to worree abot him sez to yu to STFU an no taek yur monees. Srsly."16 So Ahab sed, "O rlly?" an wuz happee dat Naboth wuz ded, an wen to stealeded teh vinyerd ovah teh ded bodee uv Naboth teh Jezreelite.

Teh Ceiling Cat Puts Ahab In Teh Kornur

17 Den teh word uv Ceiling Cat caem to Elikhat teh Tishkite and sed,18 "Yu can has taek a taxicab to see Ahab king uv Israel. Him liev in Samaria. Der him iz, in teh vinyerd uv Naboth, where him has stealeded it.19 You can sez to him, 'Thus sez Ceiling Cat: "Yu can has killed mai peep fer him vinyerd?"' An yu can sez to him, "Where teh loldogs lickd teh blud uv Naboth, teh loldogs can has likc yur blud, tew."'"

20 So Ahab sed to Elikhat, "Yu can has foudn meh, mai enemeh?" An he sed, "Ai can has foudn yu, becaues you can has solded yursef to do ebil in teh site uv Ceiling Cat:21 Behold, ai can has brign teh pwnage on yu. I willz taekz yur monees, an willz cutz off frum yus every mael in Israel, free an slaev.22 I willz maek yur houes liek teh houesz uv Jeroboam an Baasha, becaues yur actchuns can has pissed Meh off! an maek Israel eated sin cookiez.23 An abot Jezebel Ceiling Cat also sed, "Teh loldogs can eatz Jezebel by teh wall uv Jezreel.24 Teh loldogs can eatz all yur ppls livin an ded in teh citeh, an teh lolbirds uv teh air can eatz all yur ppls dat iz ded in teh feild."

25 But der wuz no one liek Ahab who maed monees uv himsefl to do ebil in teh site uv Ceiling Cat, becaues Jezebel liek to be instuhgatur.26 An him behaevd ver ebil in follwoin iduls, liek teh Amorites can has did befur Ceiling Cat can told dem to GTFO wif teh halp uv teh kittehs of Israel.

27 So wen Ahab herd dis, him toer him cloths an put on sakcluth on him bodee (to hid him harbl), an no eated an actd all emo. Srsly.

28 An teh word of teh Ceiling Cat caem to Elikhat teh Tishkite and sed,29 "Oh hai. I can has pwnd Ahab an him act all sorree an emo? Becaues him be sorree to Meh, Ai no willz pwnz him houes todai. I can bring pwnage on him houes when him son taek ovah."

1 Kings 21
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