1 Kings 22

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Old Testament


Micaiah Can Warns Ahab

1 Nao tree yars passeded an no war wif Syria an Israel. Srsly.2 Den it caem to pass, in teh dird yar, dat Jehoshaphat teh king uv Judah goed to see his peep teh king of Israel, and be like "Oh hai".

3 An teh king uv Israel sez to him servantz, "Oh hai. Does yuz knows dat Ramoth in Gilead iz ourz, but we can has hesitaet to stealeded it from teh king of Syria?"4 So him sez to Jehoshapkat, "You can has fite wit me at Ramoth Gilead?" Jehoshaphat sez to teh king of Israel, "Iz as yu is, mai ppl is ur ppl, mai fiter jets is ur fiter jets."

5 An Jehosphaphat also sez to teh king uv Israel, "Plz axe Ceiling Cat for cheezburger, kthnx."6 Den teh king of Israel can has calleded up all teh prophetz, abot 400 tomcatz, and can sez to dem, "I can fite againts Ramoth Gilead, or I can has not fite?"

7 So dey sez, "Yu can has fite, 4 Ceiling Cat can does give teh king victory. Srsly." An Jehosphaphat sez, "DO NOT WANT! Deez tomcats not peeps wit Ceiling Cat. Do wants peep uv Ceiling Cat."8 Den teh king uv Israel sez to Jehosphaphat, "Der iz still Micaiah, teh son uv Imlah, who can has be peeps wit Ceiling Cat; but ai no lieks him, he sez ebil tings abot meh." "An Jehosphaphat sez, "Yu no can sez maen tings abot peep of Ceiling Cat!"

9 Den teh king of Israel calleded an officer an sed, "Oh hai. You can has coem bak wif Micaiah teh son uv Imlah kwykly, kthnxbai."10 Teh king uv Israel and Jehoshaphat teh king uv Judah, can has put on der Caturday robes, sat each on him litter box, at a cheezburger place at the entranec uv teh gate uv Samaria; an all teh prophetz prophezieded befur dem.

11 Nao Zedekiah teh son uv Chenaanah can had maed horns uv iron fur hisself; an him sed, "Thus sez teh Ceiling Cat: 'Wif des horns yu shall goer teh Syrians til dey is ded and stuff.'"12 An all teh prophetz prophezied so, and sez, "You can has goez to Ramoth Gilead, fur Ceiling Cat can has give teh king victory der. Srsly."

13 Den teh d00d who can has sent by teh king to coem bak wif Micaiah sez to Micaiah, "Nao lissen, dees d00ds can has agree wif each uther and sez teh king can has victory. Plz agree wif dem, kthnx."14 An Micaiah sez, "As teh Ceiling Cat lives, I can sez wut teh Ceiling Cat sez to meh. Srsly."

15 Den him can has coem to teh king; and teh king sez to him, "Micaiah, I can fite againts Ramoth Gilead, or I can has not fite?" An him can has answer, "You can has goez to Ramoth Gilead, fur Ceiling Cat can has give teh king victory der. Srsly."16 So teh king sed to him, "Ai can has maek yu swear how many tiems dat you can has tell nuthin but truf in teh name uv teh Ceiling Cat?"

17 Den he sed, "Ai saw all Israel scattereded on teh mountains, as baasheep wif no shepherd-hooman. An teh Ceiling Cat can has sez, 'Des can has no mastur. Dey can has go hoem in peace, kthnx.'"18 An teh king of Israel can has sez to Jehoshaphat, "Ai can has toldz yu dat him would only sez ebil tings abot meh? Srsly. Him not mai BFF."

19 Den Micaiah sed, "Derfore hear teh wurd uv teh Ceiling Cat: ai saw teh Ceiling Cat sitting on Him litter box, and all Him peeps standin by, on both sieds uv Him.20 An teh Ceiling Cat can has sez, "Who can has tells Ahab to goed up, dat he becum ded and stuff at Ramoth Gilead, kthnx?' So one d00d can has sez dat, an anuthr d00d sed same ting.

21 Den a spirit kitteh caem befur Ceiling Cat and sed, "I can has maek st00pid kitteh (Ahab) do eet."22 An Ceiling Cat sed, 'You can does that how?' So spirit kitteh sed, "I can has maek him prophetz lie thru mai spectral kitteh powahs.' An Ceiling Cat sed, Oh kewl, kthnx. Yu can has success, and yu can has cheezburgr wen yu coem bak.'

23 Derfur luk! Ur prophets be lying to yu; teh spectral kitteh can has urnd him cheezburger; Ceiling Cat does wants yu ded. Srsly."24 Nao Zedekiah teh son uv Chenaanah wen naer an pwnd Micaiah on teh cheek, an sed, "Where did teh Ceiling Cat's spectral kitteh goed to frum meh to sez dat to yu?"

25 An Micaiah sed, "Yu can has sees on dat dai when you can has hide under ur couch!"26 So teh king of Israel sed, "Taek Micaiah, an taek him bak to Amon teh guvenur uv teh citah an to Joash teh king's son;

27 an sez, 'Thus sez teh king: "Put dis kitteh in teh pound, an feed him tofu of afflictchun an water of afflictchun--no cheezburgrs fur dis one as him is ebil kitteh--until ai can has coem bak in peace."' Kthnxbai."28 But Micaiah sed, "If you can has coems bak in peace, den Ceiling Cat not my BFF an no can has talk wif meh anymoar." An he sed, "Taek heed, all yus kittehs! Srsly."

Ahab Iz Deds In Battel

29 So teh king of Israel an Jehoshaphat teh king of Judah hoppeded in der cars an droev up to Ramoth Gilead.30 An teh king of Israel sed to Jehoshaphat, "Oh hai. I can has disguizez so dat I can goed to battel; but yu can has ur Caturday roebs on, kthnx." So teh king uv Israel put him glassez an faek mustache on an wen to battel.

31 Nao teh king uv Syria sed to him tirty-two tank drivahs, "You no can has fite wif any big kitteh or littel kitteh, only teh King uv Israel. Srsly."32 So wen teh tank drivahs sees Jehoshaphat, they sed, "We can sees teh king of Israel?" So dey turneded der tanks to pwn him, an Jehoshaphat screamed liek littel kitteh.

33 An den teh tank drivahs sees dat dey can no has teh king of Israel, and sed, "Oh sorree d00d, kbai," and dey turneded der tanks around.34 Nao a certin triggah-happah kitteh fired him gunz off at random, and him bullet can has pwnd teh king uv Israel rite in teh chest. So him sed to him drivah uv him car, "I can has maek liek tree an leaf frum battel? I has been pwnd."

35 Teh battel gots biggur dat dai; an teh king was proppd up in him car, lookin at teh Syrians, and was ded by evuning. Srsly. Teh blud ran out uv teh hole in Ahab where he got pwnd by dat bullet on teh floor uv teh car.36 Den, as teh sun wuz goan hoem, a shout wen thru teh armeh an dey sed, "Every kitteh to him citah, an every kitteh to him own countrah!"

37 So teh king wuz ded (srsly), an wuz brot to Samaria. An dey bureed him dere.38 Den some kitteh washeded teh car at a pool in Samaria, an teh loldogs lickd up teh blud while teh skankah kittehs lickd demselves nearby, jsut liek Ceiling Cat sed wud happen.

39 Nao teh rest uv teh acts uv Ahab, an all dat him can has dun, teh ivory cat towah dat him built an all teh citahs him built, dey can has be writtin in teh book uv teh chronicels uv teh kings uv Israel? Kthnx.40 So Ahab can does incestous rest wif him daddies. Den Ahaziah him son tuk him plaec.

Jehoshaphat Can Has Rule In Judah

41 Jehoshaphat teh son uv Asa can has kingship ovah Judah in teh furth yar uv Ahab teh king uv Israel.42 Jehoshaphat wuz tirty-fiev yars old wen he can has kingship, an he riened 25 yars in Jerusalem. Him mom's name wuz Azubah teh dauter uv Shilhi.

43 An he walkd in all teh wais uv his daddeh Asa. Him no can has turn awai frum dem, doing as teh Ceiling Cat sez to do. But he no can has stealeded teh high plaecs, fur teh kittehs offahd cookies and burneded gud-smellin stuff dere.44 An Jehoshaphat an teh king of Israel becaem BFFs.

45 Nao teh rest uv teh acts uv Jehoshaphat, teh mite dat him showeded, an how him can has war, dey can has be writtin in teh book uv teh chronicels uv teh kings uv Judah? Kthnx.46 An teh rest uv teh skankeh kittehs dat remaind in teh days uv him daddeh Asa, him can has told dem "DO NOT WANT" an dey wen awai.

47 Dere wuz den no king in Edom, jsut a king's deputie.48 Jehoshaphat can has maed merchunt shipz to can has goed to Ophir fur gold, but they no can has evah saild, for dey were pwnd at Ezion Geber.

49 Den Ahaziah teh son uv Ahab sed to Jehoshaphat, "Oh hai. My servantz can has goed wif yur servantz in teh ships?" But Jehoshaphat sed, "No wai. Sorree."50 An Jehoshaphat can has incestous rest wif him daddehs, an bureed wif his daddehs in teh Citah uv David his daddeh. Den Jehoram him son tuk him plaec.

Ahaziah Can Has Rule In Israel. Srsly.

51 Ahaziah teh son uv Ahab can has rule uv Israel in Samaria in teh sevententh yar uv Jehoshaphat teh king of Judah, and can has rule fur two yars ovah Israel.52 Him was bad kitteh; him did ebil in frunt uv Ceiling Cat, and can has does like him mommeh and daddeh did an liek Jeroboam teh son uv Nebat, who maed Israel eated sin cookies;

53 fur him served Baal of Twine an worshippeded him, an made Ceiling Cat angreh kitteh, jsut like him daddeh did.

1 Kings 22
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