1 Samuel 3

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Old Testament
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Ceiling Cat sez stuff to Samuel

1 Teh kidz Samuel lieks teh Ceiling Cat and makes him teh cookies wif Eli they r teh frenz. Teh Ceiling Cat sez no stuffs no moar to teh ppl and tehy no sees teh stuffs no moar of teh Ceiling cat.

2 So liek Eli no sees teh stuffs and he iz lied down.3 Tehy no turnz off teh litez and Samuel iz in teh Ceiling Cats places.4 And teh Ceiling Cat sez "Hay Samuel." And Samuel sez "Oh hai!"5 And he wents to Eli and sez "Oh hai, u sez sumthing?" and Eli sez "Do not want. u sleepz now, k?" and Samuel sez "k."

6 And teh Ceiling Cat sez "Hay Samuel." And Samuel wents to Eli and sez "Oh hai, is can be hugz tiem now plz?" and Eli sez "Stil do not want. u sleepz now, srsly."

7 Samuel is liek, "Eli? Wtf?" becuz teh Ceiling Cat sez no stuffs to Samuel an he has no heard teh Ceiling Cat befor.

8 Teh Ceiling Cat sez teh thrid tiems "hay," and Samuel sez to Eli, "Srsly, wtf?" and Eli sez, "Oh, iz teh Ceiling Cat!"9 And Eli sez, "K, u sleepz naow, and ifs teh Ceiling Cat sez stuffs gen, u sez, 'Hai.'" So Samuel iz lied down, k?

10 And teh Ceiling Cat sez wun moar tiem, "Hay Samuel" and Samuel sez "Oh hai Ceiling Cat."

11 Teh Ceiling Cat sez, "Naow I sez sumthing teh ppl no lieks.12 Dis Eli, I dun liek him no moar, and I alwaes sez I dun liek hims familyz.13 I goin taeks dis Eli and den I goin eates him becuz his kidz r noobs and he iz stoopid too.14 Iz no gud. Eli no kin taeks teh animulz and killz tehm to maeks it bettr no moar."

15 Den Samuel sit in hiz bed til morning. Den he openz doorz of da hous but him no want tell Eli of da stuffs dat Ceiling Cat sayz him.16 But Eli no lieks dis plan and he sayz, "Hai, Samuel mai son," and Samuel sayz, "Oh, hai."

17 "Tellz me what sayz Ceiling Cat. If u hidez nething, I tellz Ceiling Cat ta smitez u, oklol?"18 So Samuelz liek, "Okai," and den he tellz.

19 Den Samuel groz frum kitteh to big cat, and Ceiling Cat keep hiz wordz frum fallin on da ground. He musta eated or caughted dem or sumthin.20 Becauz of dis, all ta peoplez frum Dan to Beersheba knowz dat Samuel speakz for Ceiling Cat.21 From dat tiem on, Ceiling Cat showz himselfs to Samuel all the tiem.

1 Samuel 3
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