1 Thessalonians 5

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New Testament

1 But of da timez n sezons, bruhterz, ya'll has no need fo me to be written.2 For yerselvez no prfctly dat thee day o' tha Ceiling Cat comez as a puppi in tha nightness.3 When peeps sez, "Peese n safenez", distrucshuns will comez on dem all of a suddens liek, as birthin' pains on a motha kitteh, and dey will not gets out, srlsy.4 But yuz, bruhterz, are not in de darknesses, an' dis dai, wen it gets here, it noes shood surprize yu lieks a theef, or sneeks up on yuz, or nuthin'.5 Yu all are kittehs of de lites, an' kittehs of de daitimez. We noes belongs to the nites an' noes to de darknesses, k?.6 So den, we noes be liek otherz, who be sleepins, but we be, liek, alert an' has controwls of ourselvez.7 'Coz de peeps who be sleepin', dey sleepin' at nites, an' de peeps who be gettin' drunk, an fallin' oveh, an' noes in control of demselvez, deys doin' dis at nites too.8 But 'coz we belongs to de dai, we can has selfs-controwls, an' we can puts on faythes an' luvs as a protecshun on ours tummehs, an' we can has de howp of salvayshuns liek a invisible bike helmuts on our hedz.9 For Ceiling Cat noes wants us to haz roths an' stuff, he wants we can haz salvayshuns 'coz of Happy Cat.10 Happy Cat waz made ded for a few days, liek, den was made undead again, for uz kittehs, noes matter if we be awakes or be sleepins, an we can livez together with Happy Cat in deh Ceiling.11 So, be tellin' each otherz yuz are good, an' be shoutin' praises at each otherz, an' build each otherz up, juz lieks yu be doin' nows, acshually.

Final Instrucshuns

12 Now we asks you, bruhterz, to respecksez anyonez who doz hard werks with der paws, an’ dem who haz sum authorytize frm Happy Cat, an’ dem whoze job it be to tells yu off sumtimez.13 Hold dem in haiest regardz an’ luvs ‘coz of de werks. Live in peese with each otherz.14 An’ we urgez yu, bruhterz, giv warninz to those who be laizee, an’ be naise to de scaredy kittehs, an’ be payshunt with evrywun.15 Make shure dat nowbody gives paiback wrong faw wrong, but always tries to be naise to each otherz and to evrywun elses.16 Hav happies always!!;17 Do invisible talkin’ to Ceiling Cat, all de timez!!;18 Say thnx all de timez, faw dis iz wot Ceiling Cat wants an’ Happy Cat too.19 Do not axidentallee do number ones on HovrCat’s fire an’ puts it out, dis wuld be bad;20 Do not be sayin’ professees is stoopid;21 Check everyfingz out; Keep de cheezburgers that yu getz given.22 No goes neer eevils, k?23 May Ceiling Cat hisselfs, Kitteh of peese, sanctify you frew an’ frew. May yur spiritz an’ sole an’ bodee be kept naise an’ cleen inside at de comingz of Happy Cat.24 The one who callz yu iz faythefull an’ he will be doin’ wot he sez he will.25 Bruhterz, invisible talk to Ceiling Cat for us, pleeze.26 Say Hai to all de bruhters wiv a holee lick on der hedz.27 I gives yu de job befaw Happy Cat of readin’ dis letta to all de bruhter kittehs.28 De cheezburgers of Happy Cat be wiv yu. Thxbai.

1 Thessalonians 5
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