2 Kings 8

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Old Testament


Teh shunammitez land restord

1 At dis taim, Elisha sayed to da ladee (da 1 whose sons he'd made live 'gain) "Get up and wok arown, cuz Ceiling Cat has sed thar will be no cheezburgers foar 7 years." An teh ladee axt, "Why iz it alwaiz 7 of tings wit Ceiling Cat?" an Elisha wuz liek, "Iz His lucky number." 2 So da ladee did what da hooman of Ceiling Cat sed to do. She gotted all her familee up and walked to the Phillipines!

3 After seven yeerz (and thar wur Cheezburgers again, thank Ceiling Cat), she caim bak and went to da king to get her house back (becaws apparently sum squatters had started shackin' up in hur absinse), 4 an it jes so happens dat de king was talkin wit Gehazi, who was Elisha's survant, abowt all da neat tings Elisha was doin', 5 an it jes so happens dat Gehazi was tellin teh vary story abowt dis ladee an how Elish had maid people come bak liev 'gain. WOW! An he was liek, "OMG! Dis ladee rite here is da won i wuz talkin' bout! Das her son, hoo wuz ded, an look how big he iz! I remember when he wuz dis big..." an da boy rolled his eyes becuz he got dis all da time. 6 Teh king told Gehazi too hush so dat teh ladee culd tell teh story herself, an she did. Then teh king called a policeman an said "go run dem low liefs outta her house so dat iz just liek it wuz when she left, before da cheezburger famine."

Hazael PWNS ben-hadad

7 elisha went 2 damascus, an ben-hadad king ov aram wuz ill. When teh king wuz told, "teh man ov ceilin cat has come all teh wai up her,"8 he sed 2 hazael, "taek gift wif u an go 2 meet teh man ov ceilin cat. Consult teh lord thru him; ask him, will i recovr frum dis illnes? "9 hazael went 2 meet elisha, takin wif him as gift forty camel-loadz ov all teh finest warez ov damascus. He went in an stood before him, an sed, "ur son ben-hadad king ov aram has sent me 2 ask, will i recovr frum dis illnes? "10 elisha anzwerd, "go an say 2 him, u will certainly recovr; but [a] teh lord has reveald 2 me dat he will in fact dye."11 he stard at him wif fixd gaze til hazael felt ashamd. Den teh man ov ceilin cat began 2 weep.12 "y iz mah lord weepin?" askd hazael. "cuz i knoe teh harm u will do 2 teh israelitez," he anzwerd. "u will set fire 2 their fortifid placez, kill their young doodz wif teh sword, dash their lil children 2 teh ground, an rip open their pregnant women."13 hazael sed, "how cud ur servant, mere dawg, accomplish such feat?" "teh lord has shown me dat u will become king ov aram," anzwerd elisha.14 den hazael left elisha an returnd 2 his mastah. When ben-hadad askd, "wut did elisha say 2 u?" hazael replid, "he told me dat u wud certainly recovr." 15 but teh next dai he took thick cloth, soakd it in watr an spread it ovar teh kings face, so dat he did. Den hazael succeedd him as king.

Jehoram Top Cat n Judah

16 in da fifth yer ov joram son ov ahab king ov israel, when jehoshafat wuz king ov judah, jehoram son ov jehoshafat began his reign as king ov judah.17 he wuz thirty-2 yeers old when he became king, an he reignd in jerusalem 8 yeers.18 he walkd in da ways ov teh kings ov israel, as teh houz ov ahab had dun, 4 he marrid daughtr ov ahab. He did evil in da eyez ov teh lord.19 nevertheles, 4 da saek ov his servant david, teh lord wuz not willin 2 destroy judah. He had promisd 2 maintain lamp 4 david an his descendants forevr.20 in da tiem ov jehoram, edom rebelld against judah an set up itz own king.21 so jehoram [b] went 2 zair wif all his chariots. Teh edomitez surroundd him an his chariot commanders, but he rose up an broke thru by nite; his army, howevr, fld bak home.22 2 dis dai edom has been in rebellion against judah. Libnah revoltd at teh same tiem.23 as 4 da othr events ov jehorams reign, an all he did, r they not written in da book ov teh annals ov teh kings ov judah?24 jehoram restd wif his fathers an wuz burid wif them in da city ov david. An ahaziah his son succeedd him as king.

Ahaziah Top Cat n Judah

25 in da twelfth yer ov joram son ov ahab king ov israel, ahaziah son ov jehoram king ov judah began 2 reign.26 ahaziah wuz twenty-2 yeers old when he became king, an he reignd in jerusalem wan yer. His mommys naym wuz athaliah, granddaughtr ov omri king ov israel.27 he walkd in da ways ov teh houz ov ahab an did evil in da eyez ov teh lord, as teh houz ov ahab had dun, 4 he wuz relatd by marriage 2 ahabs pplz.28 ahaziah went wif joram son ov ahab 2 war against hazael king ov aram at ramoth gilead. Teh arameanz woundd joram;29 so king joram returnd 2 jezreel 2 recovr frum teh woundz teh arameanz had inflictd on him at ramoth [c] in his battle wif hazael king ov aram. Den ahaziah son ov jehoram king ov judah went down 2 jezreel 2 c joram son ov ahab, cuz he had been woundd.

Teh Footnotez

  • a - 2 kings 8:10 teh hebrew cud also be read go an say, u will certainly not recovr, 4.
  • b - 2 kings 8:21 hebrew joram , variant ov jehoram ; also in versez 23 an 24
  • c - 2 kings 8:29 hebrew ramah , variant ov ramoth
2 Kings 8
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