2 Samuel 15
From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Absalom Can Haz Konspiracee
1 in da course ov tiem, absalom providd him wif chariot an horsez an wif fifty doodz 2 run ahead ov him.2 he wud git up early an stand by teh side ov teh road leadin 2 teh city gate. Whenevr anyone came wif complaint 2 be placd before teh king 4 decishun, absalom wud call out 2 him, "wut town r u frum?" he wud anzwr, "ur servant iz frum wan ov teh tribez ov israel."3 den absalom wud say 2 him, "look, ur claims r valid an propr, but thar iz no representativ ov teh king 2 hear u."4 an absalom wud add, "if only i wuz appointd judge in da land! Den evryone hoo has complaint or case cud come 2 me an i wud c dat he gets justice."
5 also, whenevr anyone approachd him 2 bow down before him, absalom wud reach out his hand, taek hold ov him an kis him.6 absalom behavd in dis wai toward all teh israelitez hoo came 2 teh king askin 4 justice, an so he stole teh hearts ov teh doodz ov israel.
7 at teh end ov 4 [a] yeers, absalom sed 2 teh king, "let me go 2 hebron an fulfill vow i made 2 teh lord.8 while ur servant wuz livin at geshur in aram, i made dis vow: if teh lord takez me bak 2 jerusalem, im gonna worship teh lord in hebron. [b] "
9 teh king sed 2 him, "go in peace." so he went 2 hebron.
10 den absalom sent seekret mesengers throughout teh tribez ov israel 2 say, "as soon as u hear teh sound ov teh trumpets, den say, absalom iz king in hebron. "11 2 hundrd doodz frum jerusalem had accompanid absalom. They had been invitd as guests an went quite innosently, knowin nothin bout teh mattr.12 while absalom wuz offerin sacrificez, he also sent 4 ahithofel teh gilonite, davidz counselor, 2 come frum giloh, his hometown. An so teh conspiracy gaind strength, an absaloms followin kept on increasin.
David Runz Awai
13 mesengr came an told david, "teh hearts ov teh doodz ov israel r wif absalom."
14 den david sed 2 all his officials hoo wuz wif him in jerusalem, "come! We must flee, or none ov us will escape frum absalom. We must leef immediately, or he will moov quickly 2 overtaek us an brin ruin upon us an put teh city 2 teh lightsaber."
15 teh kings officials anzwerd him, "ur servants r ready 2 do whatevr r lord teh king choosez."
16 teh king set out, wif his entire haushold followin him; but he left 10 concubinez 2 taek care ov teh palace.17 so teh king set out, wif all teh peeps followin him, an they haltd at place sum distance away.18 all his doodz marchd past him, along wif all teh kerethitez an pelethitez; an all teh 6 hundrd gittitez hoo had accompanid him frum gath marchd before teh king.
19 teh king sed 2 ittai teh gittite, "y shud u come along wif us? Go bak an stay wif king absalom. U r foreignr, an exile frum ur homeland.20 u came only yesturdai. An todai shall i mak u wandr bout wif us, when i no knoe wer im goin? Go bak, an taek ur countrymen. Cud kindnes an faithfulnes be wif u."
21 but ittai replid 2 teh king, "as surely as teh lord livez, an as mah lord teh king livez, wherevr mah lord teh king cud be, whethr it meanz life or death, thar will ur servant be."
22 david sed 2 ittai, "go ahead, march on." so ittai teh gittite marchd on wif all his doodz an teh familiez dat wuz wif him.
23 teh whole countryside wept aloud as all teh peeps pasd by. Teh king also crosd teh kidron valley, an all teh peeps movd on toward teh desert.
24 zadok wuz thar, 2, an all teh levitez hoo wuz wif him wuz carryin teh ark ov teh covenant ov ceilin cat. They set down teh ark ov ceilin cat, an abiathar offerd sacrificez [c] til all teh peeps had finishd leavin teh city.
25 den teh king sed 2 zadok, "taek teh ark ov ceilin cat bak into teh city. If i find favor in da lordz eyez, he will brin me bak an let me c it an his dwellin place again.26 but if he sez, i r not pleezd wif u, den im ready; let him do 2 me whatevr seems gud 2 him."
27 teh king also sed 2 zadok teh priest, "arent u ser? Go bak 2 teh city in peace, wif ur son ahimaaz an jonathan son ov abiathar. U an abiathar taek ur 2 sons wif u.28 im gonna wait at teh fordz in da desert til werd comez frum u 2 inform me."29 so zadok an abiathar took teh ark ov ceilin cat bak 2 jerusalem an stayd thar.
30 but david continud up teh mount ov olivez, weepin as he went; his head wuz coverd an he wuz barefoot. All teh peeps wif him coverd their headz 2 an wuz weepin as they went up.31 nao david had been told, "ahithofel iz among teh conspirators wif absalom." so david prayd, "o lord, turn ahithofels counsel into foolishnes."
32 when david arrivd at teh summit, wer peeps usd 2 worship ceilin cat, hushai teh arkite wuz thar 2 meet him, his robe torn an dust on his head.33 david sed 2 him, "if u go wif me, u will be burden 2 me.34 but if u return 2 teh city an say 2 absalom, im gonna be ur servant, o king; i wuz ur fathers servant in da past, but nao im gonna be ur servant, den u can halp me by frustratin ahithofels advice.35 wont teh priests zadok an abiathar be thar wif u? Tell them anythin u hear in da kings palace.36 their 2 sons, ahimaaz son ov zadok an jonathan son ov abiathar, r thar wif them. Send them 2 me wif anythin u hear."
37 so davidz frend hushai arrivd at jerusalem as absalom wuz enterin teh city.
- a - 2 samuel 15:7 sum septuagint manuscripts, syriac an josefus; hebrew forty
- b - 2 samuel 15:8 sum septuagint manuscripts; hebrew doez not has in hebron
- c - 2 samuel 15:24 or abiathar went up
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