2 Samuel 3

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Old Testament
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1 teh war tween teh houz ov saul an teh houz ov david lastd long tiem. David grew strongr an strongr, while teh houz ov saul grew weakr an weakr.2 sons wuz born 2 david in hebron: His firstborn wuz amnon teh son ov ahinoam ov jezreel;3 his second, kileab teh son ov abigail teh widow ov nabal ov carmel; Teh third, absalom teh son ov maacah daughtr ov talmai king ov geshur;4 teh fourth, adonijah teh son ov haggith; Teh fifth, shefatiah teh son ov abital;5 an teh sixth, ithream teh son ov davidz wife eglah. Thees wuz born 2 david in hebron.

Abnr goez ovar 2 david

6 durin teh war tween teh houz ov saul an teh houz ov david, abnr had been strengthenin his own posishun in da houz ov saul.7 nao saul had had concubine namd rizpah daughtr ov aiah. An ish-bosheth sed 2 abnr, "y u sleep wif mah fathers concubine?"8 abnr wuz vry angry cuz ov wut ish-bosheth sed an he anzwerd, "iz i dawgs head on judahs side? Dis vry dai im loyal 2 teh houz ov ur fathr saul an 2 his pplz an frenz. I havent handd u ovar 2 david. Yet nao u accuse me ov an offense involvin dis woman!9 cud ceilin cat deal wif abnr, be it evr so severely, if i no do 4 david wut teh lord promisd him on oath10 an tranzfr teh kingdom frum teh houz ov saul an establish davidz throne ovar israel an judah frum dan 2 beersheba."

11 ish-bosheth did not dare 2 say anothr werd 2 abnr, cuz he wuz afraid ov him.12 den abnr sent mesengers on his behalf 2 say 2 david, "whose land iz? Mak an agreement wif me, an im gonna halp u brin all israel ovar 2 u."13 "gud," sed david. "im gonna mak an agreement wif u. But i demand wan ting ov u: do not come into mah presence unles u brin michal daughtr ov saul when u come 2 c me."

14 den david sent mesengers 2 ish-bosheth son ov saul, demandin, "gimie mah wife michal, whom i betrothd 2 myself 4 da price ov hundrd filistine foreskins."

15 so ish-bosheth gaev orders an had her taken away frum her husband paltiel son ov laish.16 her husband, howevr, went wif her, weepin behind her all teh wai 2 bahurim. Den abnr sed 2 him, "go bak home!" so he went bak.

17 abnr conferrd wif teh elders ov israel an sed, "4 sum tiem u has wantd 2 mak david ur king.18 nao do it! 4 da lord promisd david, by mah servant david im gonna rescue mah peeps israel frum teh hand ov teh filistinez an frum teh hand ov all their enemiez. "19 abnr also spoke 2 teh benjamitez in person. Den he went 2 hebron 2 tell david evrythin dat israel an teh whole houz ov benjamin wantd 2 do.

20 when abnr, hoo had twenty doodz wif him, came 2 david at hebron, david prepard feast 4 him an his doodz.21 den abnr sed 2 david, "let me go at once an assemble all israel 4 mah lord teh king, so dat they cud mak compact wif u, an dat u cud rule ovar all dat ur hart desirez." so david sent abnr away, an he went in peace.

Joab PWNS abnr

22 jus den davidz doodz an joab returnd frum raid an brought wif them great deal ov plundr. But abnr wuz no longr wif david in hebron, cuz david had sent him away, an he had gone in peace.23 when joab an all teh soldiers wif him arrivd, he wuz told dat abnr son ov ner had come 2 teh king an dat teh king had sent him away an dat he had gone in peace.

24 so joab went 2 teh king an sed, "wut has u dun? Look, abnr came 2 u. Y u let him go? Nao he iz gone!25 u knoe abnr son ov ner; he came 2 deceiv u an observe ur movements an find out evrythin u r doin."

26 joab den left david an sent mesengers aftr abnr, an they brought him bak frum teh well ov sirah. But david did not knoe it.

27 nao when abnr returnd 2 hebron, joab took him aside into teh gateway, as though 2 speek wif him privately. An thar, 2 avenge teh blood ov his brothr asahel, joab stabbd him in da stumuk, an he did.

28 latr, when david herd bout dis, he sed, "i an mah kingdom r forevr innosent before teh lord concernin teh blood ov abnr son ov ner.29 cud his blood fall upon teh head ov joab an upon all his fathers houz! Cud joabs houz nevr be without someone hoo has runnin sore or leprosy [a] or hoo leanz on crutch or hoo falls by teh lightsaber or hoo lackz fud."30 (joab an his brothr abishai murderd abnr cuz he had killd their brothr asahel in da battle at gibeon.)

31 den david sed 2 joab an all teh peeps wif him, "tear ur clothez an put on sackcloth an walk in mournin in frunt ov abnr." king david him walkd behind teh bir.32 they burid abnr in hebron, an teh king wept aloud at abners tomb. All teh peeps wept also.33 teh king sang dis lament 4 abnr: "shud abnr has did as teh lawles dye?34 ur hanz wuz not bound, Ur feet wuz not fetterd. U fell as wan falls before wickd doodz." An all teh peeps wept ovar him again.

35 den they all came an urgd david 2 eat somethin while it wuz still dai; but david took an oath, sayin, "cud ceilin cat deal wif me, be it evr so severely, if i taste bread or anythin else before teh sun sets!"36 all teh peeps took nowt an wuz pleezd; inded, evrythin teh king did pleezd them.

37 so on dat dai all teh peeps an all israel knew dat teh king had no part in da murdr ov abnr son ov ner.38 den teh king sed 2 his doodz, "do u not realize dat prince an great man has fallen in israel dis dai?39 an todai, though i r anointd king, im weak, an thees sons ov zeruiah r 2 strong 4 me. Cud teh lord repay teh evildor accordin 2 his evil deedz!"

Teh Footnote
  • a - 2 samuel 3:29 teh hebrew werd wuz usd 4 various diseasez affectin teh skin-not necesarily leprosy.
2 Samuel 3
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