Acts 4

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New Testament

Peter an John Befor teh Sanhedrin

 1 Teh preests an teh capn of teh tempel gard an teh Sadooshies cam to Peter an John.2 Dey wer lik "WTFBBQ?!" cuz teh apawsals wer in teh templez, teechin dat in Baby Jesus dey cud rais ded steenky kittehs.3 Oh noes! The Sadooshies put Peter and John in teh jale! Mean!4 But dat okay, cuz manee beleeved an der wuz ovah fife fousand new membahs, srsly!

 5 Teh nex day big impowtan kittehs com to Joorusalem.6 OMG! So awsum. Annas teh Haih Preest wuz der, an omg, so wuz Caiapcat, John (anudder wun, lol), Alexander, an odder impowtan kittehs.7 But dey gotz meen an dey demand, "Hai! Yu can has power frum who?"

 8 An wow! Peter can has teh powah of teh HoverCat an him sed, "Hai!9 We cawlded becuz we wuz so awsum an we madeded lamz0r kitteh ex-lamez0r.10 Mai awthoritah, lemme show yu it. D00d, we did it wif teh naim of teh Jebus who yu mak ded (lol, I keep tellin yu dat!) but Ceiling Cat browt him back, lol. An den dis man be heeled! Rly!11 Jebus is 'teh stown ya bilderz rejec, wich becum teh cownerstone'12 Nobodie els can has giv yu cheezburger. Srsly.

 13 Dey wer impwesed cuz Peter and John wer st00pid kittehs wif no schoolin an dey wer suwpwised dey nu Jebus.14 An becuz teh ex-lamez0r kitteh wuz rite der dey cud do nuttin.15 So dey sen dem awai an INVISIBLE MICROPHONE:16 "D00ds! Wut we gunna do! Everywun saw dis, even witout Teevee bein inventeded yet! We can has fail!17 Oh. I know. We gunna tell dem not to speek in dis naim anymoar!

 18 Den dey cawlded dem bak an sed, "J00 newbs dun tawk abut Jebus anymoar."19 But Peter an John hawmoneeusly sed bak, "LOL, who we gunna lissen to, Ceiling Cat or joo? lol!20 We gunna keep tawkin, so yu gunna keep lissenin!"

 21 Den duh impowtan kittehs hiss an spit but den dey let em go. An dey cud not think of how to poonish dem becuz dey mad lots ov kittehs happeh! Dey be dansin now! WAI!22 Duh ex-lamez0r kitteh was lik fowty yeers owd! lol

Teh Buhweevahs Invisible Tawk

 23 Den Peter an John go bak an tattel on teh cheef preests an stuffz.24 Den dey all had invisble tawk to Ceiling Cat togedder an dey sed, "Kewl Ceiling Cat, yu so awsum! Yu make everthin, srsly! Yu mak cheezburgers for us and stuff. Rly.25 Yu in David's mouf, makin him sing, 'Wai do nashuns be angree an mak bad plans26 An odder kings an leeders an stuff all try to be meen to Ceiling Cat an be meen to his annowtainted wun!'27 Yu see, Herod and Pontius Pilate an odder peepl, both joocat and notjoocat made bad plans aganst Jebus who yu annowtainted.28 Yu wer in der boddehs, fulfillin profisie.29 An even doh dey mak meen wowds, yu gunna mak yu sewvants wis and stuff k?30 Oh! An yeh, sum kewl twicks can has help too! lol"

 31 An aftah dey had invisible tawk teh HoverCat wuz in all of dem, srsly.

Teh Buhweevahs Wer Like Commiez, LOL

 32 Dood, teh kittehs shaird, srsly. All ov it.33 An teh apawsals kept tawkin bout Jebus all teh time an it wuz so good34 dat all teh kittehs had plenti of cheezburgers an cookiez, rly. An sumtiems teh kittehs sowd all dey ownd35 an dey put it at teh apawsals paws an dey took it an gav it to kittehs witout stuff. It wuz so awsum, lol.

 36 An dis wun awesum kitteh naimd Joseph, him wuz a Levite frum Cyprus, an fo sum reesown dey call him Barnabas, an37 him sowd a feeld an him put teh monees at teh paws of teh apawsals. Isnot awsum?! WAI!

Acts 4
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