Acts 9

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New Testament
Saul's Convurshun

1 At sametimez Saul still wuz sayin bad stufs aganst Ceiling Cat's 'sciples. He goed to high preest2 He askd high preest for ledderz to teh sinamagogz in Damascus, so if he foundz ne menz or womenz who followed Ceiling Cat, he could taek dem be puts in Jerusalem jale.3 As he wuz on teh way to Damascus, all of suddens lite appear! Lite frum Ceiling, zomg!4 Saul gotz skeerd so he fells to ground and Ceiling Cat speekz. "Saul, wtf, why u hurtz me?"

5 "Who is u?", Saul asks."

6 Ceiling Cat sez, "I iz Jebus, ftw! And u iz hurting me an my peeps. u must go to teh city, u will getz instrukshunz der."

7 Teh othur guiz Saul waz travlins wit were like, "Um k, wtf?", cuz they hurd Ceiling Cat but din't see Him.8 Saul got up from teh gwound but he reelize that he culdn't see nuthing cuz crazie lite mades him blind. So teh othur guiz helped Saul gets rest of wai to Damascus.9 Saul blind for free days, and during dese days he not drink or eats foodz. Not even cheezburger!

10 In Damascus ther waz 'sciple by naem of Ananias. Ceiling Cat spoke to him in vishun. Ananias anserd an sed, "Oh hai! What up?"

11 Ceiling Cat sed, "There is howse of Judas on Straight Street. U mus goes cuz ther man from Tarsus naemd Saul, and he iz praeyin.12 I shoewd him vishun, and in vishun you putted your hans on him and gived him back his site."

13 Ananias anserd. "But I has heards stuff bout this gui. Isn't he dat guy who was pwning your saintz an stuff?14 And he haz comes here with cheef preestz 'thority to putz your peeps in jale! Iz I not rite?"

15 Ceiling cat says "Yes, he waz but he differn now. I has maded him to followz me an speak in my naem to teh Gentiles, ther kingz and Israel peeps.16 I shoewz him how much he mus suffur for mah name. No worriez, kk?"

17 So Ananias wented to howse. He foundz Saul and dids wut Ceiling Cat say. He place hans on Saul. Ananias sed, "Hai Saul, Ceiling Cat, who pwnded your eyez with crazie lite, sented me to u so you cans be filld with teh Hover Cat. kk? You can has site bak."18 Then weerd scaly thingz fell frum Saul's eyes. Saul seez again, ftw!!! Furst thing he do: he getz baptisd.19 Then he eated foodzstufs cuz he wuz hungry. Food maded him strongur!

Saul in Damascus an Jerusalem

19 Saul spend lotz dayz with teh 'sciples in Damascus.20 Whiel he waz der he speaks about Ceiling Cat n' stuf in teh sinamagogs.21 All teh peepz who wer lisnin' were like "wtf is dis?! I thot dis iz teh guy who waz pwning Ceiling Cat peepz in Jerusalem? Why he speek good thingz n' stuff about Ceiling Cat now?"22 Even tho peepz were like "wtf", he getted more wizdumb in Ceiling Cat stuff, and kepd preechin' stuff to Jews in Damascus.

23 Moar dayz go by, and Jews got 'spishus and plotted to kill Saul.24 But Saul figurded out ther plan! For a few dayz, Jews watchded city gaets in case Saul tryd to 'scape.25 But der wer peepz who lieked Saul. They put him in baskit an lowerd him outsied city. Saul 'scape!

26 Saul wented bak to Jerusalem, an he tryd to join teh 'sciples there, cept they were like "omg" cuz they din't beleeve he camez to be Ceiling Cat's 'sciple.27 But Barnabas talkd with the 'sciples an tolded them all 'bout how Saul camez to be Ceiling Cat's 'sciple too cuz of teh crazie lite on teh wai to Damascus.28 So the 'sciples beleeved Barnabas, and tehy let Saul stai wit dem. Togedder tehy preeched teh Gospel in Jerusalem, in teh name of Ceiling Cat!29 Tehn Saul preeched to Grecian Jews. They were like "diz guy needs a good pwning. He iz not of Ceiling Cat!"30 Teh other 'sciples herd this, so tehy taeks Saul to Caesarea and sended him to Tarsus, away from crazi ppl.

31 Tehn all of churches, Judea, Galilee, Samaria, tehy all getz tiem of peace! Hover Cat Kitteh strengthinz churches; moar Ceiling Cat pplz cames to be. Yay!

Two guiz. Aeneas n' Tabitha

32 As Peter travld arown teh countree, he goed to visit teh saints in Lydda.33 In Lydda man naemd Aeneas. He crippel; he cans not move, n' he been crippel for ate yeerz. ATE YEERZ!34 Peter talkted to dat gui. "Hay gui, Ceiling Cat maeks you has movement. u nots be crippel nemore, lol, u mus now get up, you unnastanz?" Aeneas tryd to get up. And wht u noes!!!!! He canz! He no moar crippel!35 All teh pplz who lievd in Lydda and Sharon saw wut happen; they wer liek, "Praiez teh Lowrd!".

36 In Joppa, tehre waz a laydee. Hir name Tabitha. She waz a good ppl! She helpd poor ppl.37 'Cept she getted sick and dide! Oh noes! Hur corpz waz plaecd in a room in the uppur flor.38 Lyyda, o'courz iz neer Joppa, so it waz not long 'till wurd got aroun to Peter.

39 So Peter wented to Joppa an went to teh houws whaer Tabitha was ded. Tehr waz widowz. tehy all crowdud 'roun Peter, and craid. Tehy also shoewd Peter closthez n' stuf tat Tabitha maded wen she wuz not ded.

40 Peter told teh widows to scram. So tehy did. Tehn Peter neelded down an praed. He lookd at teh corpz an waz liek, "Hay, Ceiling Cat makez u unpwned. u getz up kkthx!" Tabitha stopd beein ded and Peter help'd hir get up. Tehn he sed to teh beleevirz and widowz to come inz and see wut Ceiling Cat had helpd him do.41 Noos of Tabitha's rezurrecktshun spred throo Joppa. Lotz of ppl starded beeleeving in Ceiling Cat.42 Peter tehn lived in Joppa wit soem gui naemd Simon. He wuz a tanner.

Acts 9
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