Esther 9

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Old Testament

1 When it wuz teh twelf monf, also known izteh monf Adar, and afta teh thirtenth day, the lolking's stuff wuz about to go down, the jewcat hataz thought they wuz da shit, but insted the jewcats waz in fat city.

2 Jewcats flocked in their respectiv placez and provinceezof lolking Ahasuerus, and they brought a most terrible whuppin' and all fell before the jewkatz.

3 And the top catz in da citiez and placez were helpin' da jewcatz cuz they wuz winning and also cuz they were fraidy catz of Mordecai.

4 For Mordecai-Cat wuz a cool dood in the king'z house, and he wuz wuved throughout all the placez: for this cat Mordecai-Cat was even cooler dood yet.

5 Thus the Jewcats hurted their enemiez with the stroke of the claw, and keeling, and knocked schuff over, and did what they would unto catz who dun like them.

6 End whin dey gotz to da Shushan the jewcatz went batshit insane and clawd 500 to def.

7 Dey did diz othar placez too.

8 And steel othar placez.

9 And yet moar placez.

10 Teh ten kittens uf Haman teh son of someone, teh evil persen uf Jewcats, keelded themz; tho ded not tak ne stuffz.

16 But teh othar Jewcatz dat weer in teh king'z placez gtherd demselves 2gethar, and stood for their 9 lives, and had napped from their enemiez, and pwned leik 5,000 kitthe dat had hated dem, but they laid not their paws on their cheezburgers (iz ok we haz our own) or monies.

17 On teh thirteenf day of teh month Adar; and on teh fourteenf day of teh same they took cat naps, and made it a day of eatin cheezburgers and cookies dat be eated

18 But teh Jewcatz dat weer at Shushan gtherd on teh thirteenf day, and on teh fourteenf; and on teh fifteenf day of teh same they took cat naps, and made it a day of eatin cheezburgers and cookies dat be eated.

19 There4 teh Jewcatz of teh lolvillages, dat lived in teh loltowns, made teh fourteenf day of teh month Adar a day of tings like eatin and trying to share with othar kitthes.

20 And Mordecai wroted dese things, and sent lolmail unto all teh Jewcatsz dat were in all teh placez of teh lolking Ahasuerus, both close and not close.

21 To set up this between dem, dat they shuld keep teh fourteenf day blahblahblah, and teh fifteenf day blahblahblah teh same evry year.

22 As teh dayz wherein teh Jewcatz napped from teh bad doodz, and teh month which was turned unto dem from sad cat to teh happy cat, and from sad day into a awsum day: dat they should make dem dayz of doin tings like eatin and trying to share but eating it first and w/e but we say dat already.

23 And teh Jewcatz did to do as they had already did or sumting, and as Mordecai had wroted unto dem;

24 Because Haman teh kitten of Hammedatha, teh lolAgagite, teh bad dood of all teh Jews, had thunk up ideaz against teh Jewcatz to make dem no moar, and had cast Pur Attack to make dem no moar.

25 But da attak wuz ineffective b/c when Esther came before teh lolking, he controled by lolmail dat his jewmachine, which he thunk up ideaz to be mean to teh Jewcatz, shuld come back on his own head, and dat he and his kittenz should be keeled on teh gallows.

26 Where4 they called dese days Purim after teh name of Pur. There4 for all teh meowz of this lolmail, and of dat which they had seen as to this matter or sumting, and which had come unto dem,

27 Teh Jewcatz made, and took upon dem, and upon their kittens, and upon all such as togetherd demselves unto dem, so as it shuld not be epic fail, dat they wuld keep dese two dayz according to their claw markz, and according to their chosenz time every year;

28 And dat dese dayz should be treated as Caterday-leik and kept 4evar for even every age groupz, every famlee, every placez, and every cityz; and dat dese days of Purim should not be epic fail from between teh Jewcatz, nor teh memorial of dem die from their kittens, srly.

29 Den Esther teh lolqueen, teh kitten of Abihail, and Mordecai teh Jewcat, wroted with all permishonz, to make true this 2th lolmail of Purim.

30 And he sent teh lolmail unto all teh Jewcatz, to teh hundred twenty and seven placez of teh lolkingdom of Ahasuerus, with meows of piecefull and not liez,

31 To make true dese dayz of Purim in their times made for dem, sayz as Mordecai teh Jewcat and Esther teh lolqueen had 2getherd dem, and as they had ruled for demselves and for their kittens, teh matters of teh fast things and their meow.

32 And teh rulez of Esther make true dese schtuff of Purim; and it was wroted in teh book.

Esther 9
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