Exodus 22

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Old Testament

1 If u take my cow or sheep and kil it or sell it, can i has 5 cow heads r 4 sheep? thx.2 If u brake in my house and i killz u, i is no error,3 unless its morning. Then i is error. U must pay me bak, unless u haz no cookiez, then i sell u.4 If u still haz my animal, u be giv me 2.

5 If ur cowz eat my grass, can i haz more grass?6 If u start a fire, giv me cookies.7 If i lend my frend cookies, the n00b who stealz mah cookies will pay back double.8 If i no find teh n00b, i check if my frehnd didn't eat mah cookies.9 If we both be say "these be mah cookies," teh almighteh judges decide.

10 If mah cookies magicly disapeer after i gives them 2 u,11 then u must sware to Ceiling Cat that u no ate them.12 But if u DID ate them, can i has more cookies?13 If a wild animalz ate mah cookies, proof it.

14 If mah cookies i lent u die when i isnt looking, gimme more cookies.15 If i is there, then u no pay. If u hire mah cookies, then wut u paid makes meh happy.

16 If d00d seckses da verginz datz no gonna be marreedz, an iz leik PENIS GOES WHERE?, d00d must giev cheezburgers to herz an maek her hiz wief.17 But ifz her dadz leik NO WAI, d00d gotta giev him cheezeburgerz enuff dat dey be ekwalz to teh cost dat verginz has. Or him can giev dad monies. But cheezburgerz betterz.

18 U no let teh witches liev! Srsly!19 anyone hoo has seksual relashuns wif an animal must be put 2 death.20 whoevr sacrificez 2 any ceilin cat othr than teh lord must be destroyd.21 do not mistreat an alien or oppres him, 4 u wuz aliens in egypt.22 do not taek advantage ov widow or an orfan.23 if u do an they cry out 2 me, im gonna certainly hear their cry.24 mah angr will be arousd, an im gonna kill u wif teh sword; ur wivez will become widows an ur children fatherles.25 If u lend money 2 wan ov mah peeps among u hoo iz needy, do not be liek moneylendr; charge him no interest.26 if u taek ur neighbors cloak as pledge, return it 2 him by sunset,27 cuz his cloak iz teh only coverin he has 4 his body. wut else will he sleep in? when he criez out 2 me, im gonna hear, 4 im compashunate.28 Do not blasfeme ceilin cat [f] or curse teh rulr ov ur peeps.29 do not hold bak offerings frum ur granariez or ur vats. U must gimie teh firstborn ov ur sons.30 Do teh same wif ur kattle an ur sheep. let them stay wif their mothers 4 7 dais, but giv them 2 me on teh eighth dai.31 U r 2 be mah holy peeps. so do not eat teh meat ov an animal torn by wild beasts; throw it 2 teh dawgs.

Exodus 22
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