Exodus 34

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Old Testament
Teh Noob Stoned Tablets

1 An Ceiling Cat say 'Mosus, I be too lazyz to be rytin on stownz so yooz hamerz my wordz on da stownz'.2 In morningz prezentz yourselfz to Ceiling Cat on topz the litter mount. But if I asleepz den juss keep prezenting.3 An let nonez be coming along tu, an no flockz or herdz can eatz befor Ceiling Cat eatsez.4 Mosus cut stownz an brung dem in hiz pawz in da morningz up da litter mount.5 Ceiling Cat got dere ina clowd and meowed hiz own name reel lowd.6 He floated in fronta Mosus meowin, "Ceiling Cat is nice, slow ta growl, gives lotsa cheezburgerz,7 chillz out and duzzint sweat da bad stuff. But, he gives da lazer eye to bad peeps kittenz, litter after litter. Watch yer bak!

8 Mosez bowd 2 teh ground at once an worshipd.9 "lord," he sed, "if i has findz favor in ur eyez, den let teh lord go wif us. although dis ar teh stiff-neckd peeps, forgiv r wickednes an r sin, an taek us as ur inheritance."

10 Den teh lord sed: "im makin covenant wif u. before all ur peeps im gonna do wonders nevr before dun in any nashun in all teh wurld. teh peeps u liv among will c how awsum iz teh werk dat i, teh lord, will do 4 u.11 obey wut i command u todai. im gonna driv out before u teh amoritez, canaanitez, hittitez, perizzitez, hivitez an jebusiets.12 be careful not 2 mak treaty wif dose hoo liv in da land wer u r goin, or dey will be snare among u.13 brek down der altrs, smash der sacrd stonez an cut down der asherah polez. [a]14 do nt worship aneh othr ceilin cat, 4 da lord, whose naym iz jealous, iz jealous ceilin cat.

15 "Be carful not 2 mak treateh wif dose hoo liv in da land; 4 when dey prostitute themselvez 2 der godz an sacrifice 2 dem, they will invite u an u will eat their sacrificez.16 an when u choose sum ov their daughters as wivez 4 ur sons an dose daughters prostitute themselvez 2 their godz, they will lead ur sons 2 do teh same.

17 "Do not mak any idols.

18 "Selabraet teh festivul ov unlevnd bread. 4 7 dais eat bread made without yeast, as i commandd u. do dis at teh appointd tiem in da month ov aviv, 4 in dat month u came out ov egypt.

19 "Teh furst offsprin ov evry womb belongs 2 me, includin all teh firstborn malez ov ur livestock, whethr frum herd or flock.20 redeem teh firstborn donkey wif lamb, but if u do not redeem it, break itz neck. redeem all ur firstborn sons. no wan iz 2 appear before me empty-handd.

21 "Siks dais u shall labor, but on teh sevnth dai u shall rest; even durin teh plowin season an harvest u must rest.

22 "Selabraet teh festivul ov weekz wif teh firstfruits ov teh wheat harvest, an teh festival ov ingatherin at teh turn ov teh yer. [b]23 3 tiems yer all ur doodz r 2 appear before teh sovereign lord, teh ceilin cat ov israel.24 im gonna driv out nashuns before u an enlarge ur territory, an no wan will covet ur land when u go up 3 tiems each yer 2 appear before teh lord ur ceilin cat.

25 "Do not offr teh blood ov sacrifice 2 me along wif anythin containin yeast, an do not let any ov teh sacrifice frum teh pasovr festival remain til mornin.

26 "Brin teh best ov teh firstfruits ov ur soil 2 teh houz ov teh lord ur ceilin cat. do not cook young goat in itz mommys milk."

27 Den teh lord sed 2 mosez, "rite down thees werdz, 4 in accordance wif thees werdz i has made covenant wif u an wif israel."28 mosez wuz thar wif teh lord forty dais an forty nitez without eatin bread or drinkin watr. an he wrote on teh tablets teh werdz ov teh covenant—teh 10 commandments.

Teh Radiant Face of Teh Moses

29 When mosez came down from teh mounten with teh bof roks dat he writed teh law on, he din knoa dat his fais wz all shiniey and WHOA! cuz he ben hangin' wit teh Ceilin Cat.30 so wen aaron an all teh peeps saw mosus, his face was all supa glowey! an they wer liek, WTF?? DO NOT WANT!!1 for 2 b close to Mo.31 But moesz wuz liek "O Hai!"; so aaron n all teh bosscats came back to him, and he talkd to dem.32 after dat all teh izreelites cumed close to him, and he gived them all teh roolz n stuff teh Ceilingcat had given him on mownt syniey.

33 aftr mosus wuz dun, he hid insied paper bag for to hied his shiney face.34 But whenever he hung wit teh ceiling cat an to speak with him, he removed teh bag until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded,35 they saw that his face was glowy agin. Then Moses would put the bag back on hisself til he went in to speak with the LORD.

Teh Footnoets
  • a - exodus 34:13 dat iz, wooden symbols ov teh goddes asherah
  • b - exodus 34:22 dat iz, in da autumn
Exodus 34
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