Ezekiel 20

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Old Testament

Dat rebellion tiem

1 Da sebenth yeer caem, and da fifth munth, teh fifth dai...it was a caturday...some ov the old kitteh cats woke up frum der naps, hurreed to see Ceiling Cat, dem tired kittees but dey caem to sit bi me anywai liek guud kitties.

2 I waz skaird becauze teh almaety Ceiling Cat said stuff to me: 3 "LoL Hai, Kitty. Go tell odur kittyz stuffs, tell dem Ceiling Cat Sez: Hoo was lookins for me? I ish too bizy nao, maebe laetr doh, k?"

4 "Can sum won else do it? maebe you do it den, k? u be a good kitteh cat k? Tell dem dat der daddyz was bein bayed. 5 Dey did bayed tings dat dey knew better dan to do! 'Tell dem dat I said dis: I caem to izrale, I told dem der disindints of da jaecub haus and showd dem my faec in Egep doh. I held mai hand up hi!, "I is Ceiling Cat." 6 Dat saem day I swore I wud breeng dem away frum Egep. And to a plaec I maed for dems, a bettr plaec. 7 I said "I gis you Milk and Catnip! Dat good, k? I show yoo. And I sais, "All you good kitteh cats! Be gud and nawt bayed! You gots to be good kittehs nao! Teh iduls ov Egep r not fowr u. I is teh Ceiling Cat!"

8 Dey rebelled against mes...dey was bein bayed kitties and didint lissen to meh; dey did nawt stop bein bayed at all! And dey disobeid Ceiling Cat, dey was bayed in Egep. I sed to dem dat dey feel mah wraf! Dey will pheer mai wraf! In Egep. 9 But I felt bads, and want to show dem I ish a good kitty doh, dat I love dem doh. So dey didn't has to feel mai wraf. 10 But I took dem from teh Egep, and to teh desurt insted. 11 I gave them my decreyz, and sed "LoL Obei dis stuff", For teh kitteh who obeis them will liv by thems. 12 I also gaev dem my Sabbifs, so dey wud remember I maed dem holies!

13 "Dey Lol'd and rebbelld aginst me der too. Dey directly disobeid meh. Teh good kitties wud live by dem, but the bayed kitties ruined all my sabbifs. So. I said. I willz totally pwnz yous guys in the desurt nao. 14 But for the sake of mah naem, I dids wat would a good god kitteh should do. 15 I saed, now you gettins no land with dat dem der Milk and Catnip! 16 Because dey was bein bayed kittiez evin doh I waz so niec to dem. Fawr der kitteh hartz was devoted to Iduls of Egep! 17 I still feeld bad doh, and diddnt do dat destrØy dems, or put ends to dem in da desurt. 18 I told der babi kittehz, "Don be bayed and do wat yor mommiez and da daddiez did! No followins der waiz, nawr der Idulz, dey bad I said! 19 I keep tellins you, I is da Ceiling Cat; folluw mah dicreez! Keep mai laws!! 20 Oh, and lol, keep mai sabbifs holi, peez? k. Dat way you kno hao much I luh you kittehs. And finally, dat ish whai you kno I is yor Ceiling Cat." And den I winked at dem cuz I luhs them so much and want to hug dem even doh a good Ceiling Cat should be cunsistint."

21 "But teh kittiez rebelld toos...aginst mes...agin... it waz liek OMG! They noh follow mai dicrees, They fail to obei, and dey desicrate mai sabbifs just liek teh odurs did. So I sed agin! Feels mai wraf! 22 But no, I just luhs dem and wants to maek cute faeces at dem because dey so cute. I wud nawt be a guud leadr to dem if I's bein bayed too, even doh I do get a little mad some tiems. 23 Anyways...so I told dem dat enuf was enuf and dey shud all goes to differint plaeces nao, 24 Becuz dey rejected mah dicreez Sabbifs and Lawz and stuffs, and dey just wanted to be as bayed as der fathars were. It was sooooo bayed... 25 I gis dem teh bad statues and lawz; 26 I let dem reep wat dey sow, and said "I is in your haus, steelins ur baybehs. LoL". Dey had to know dat I was der to gaid dems and dey would nawt disobey."

27 "Good little kitty cat, dis is wat you need to say for mes, k? 'Kitteh Cat of Ceiling sez: Ur daddies was mean too, and didn't follow teh rulez: 28 I caem to teh land and gaev dem so many tings and dey wurnt evin niec to mes. It was alwayz some tings about dat dem der sacrifiec?. 29 Remembar, yoo gotta be guud to come and liv wif mes!"

Tellin dem liek it is

30 "OK OK OK OK Okies: 'dis is what Ceiling Cat says nao: Will u be bayed liek yo daddy cats? Becuz if yoo dos den I will start smieting, I swar. LoL 31 Srsly. Srsly lissen to mes, you need to stops sacrificins and teh deth and fiar of your kittis, I meen wat is dat? No, no, no, hao did you even lern of dis? U want mees to gis you stuff? As surely as I live, I Ceiling Cat no do dis if u won't behaev.

32 "You tell me dis doh, "We want to bees liek teh nashuns though!, like all teh peepul of teh world, who serv wuud and stonez and hawt sauce." Mmmmm...Noh. 33 I won't lets dat happins, saed Ceiling Cat, I rool ovur yoos with wraf and geidance. 34 I gots to breeng you nao away frum da naishuns you in nao. 35 I bringz you to da...Desert? And...I maek it be judgement day nao. 36 Nao all da bayed kitties gets judgd liek teh fathurz of dem did. 37 I musts purrify yous in mai lyte.. 38 I purrge yous for rebellins against mees, k? I taek yous to a differint plaec, buuuut nawt teh Izrails, a differint plaec den. Dat will sho u I ish teh Ceiling Cat"

39 "But you gais in Izrail, Grand Kitty Cat of Teh Ceiling sayz: Goes and surv teh Idulz, nao, goes! But den you will knowz whai I warned yous and gaev you all teh niec Milks and Catnips! 40 Shouted from teh mountain of Izrail, declares da Ceiling Cats, Kittiez sleepins in Izrail Haus serv me doh, k? I be niec to dem kitties der. I need cheezbrgrz in der cauz I is hungry, good kittiez help and eat toos? [d] And treshurz too if u nawt minds. 41 Adn I be niec to you der and scoop you all up and be in your naishuns, LOL. 42 Den you realies I am teh Ceiling Cat maebe?, When I taek yooz back to Izrail, you know to be guud doh, k?. 43 Der you will noe whai to be good, and nice, and cute kitties dat I luv, and you feelz so bad for all ov teh meanniss maebe? 44 You know den I is Ceiling cat, you know dis. I do dees things for luv and naot because I h8, you be my good Izrail Hous nao, teh Ceiling Cat saiz"

Oh noes, the souf!

45 All ov teh suddem, teh voic! Of teh Ceiling Kitteh: 46 "Mai gud little kitteh, put yo faec in teh general directshun of teh souf; and tell dem dey need to stop bein bayed! You haz to maek dem knows to be gud nao. 47 Tell dat dem der forest: 'Srsly, listen to Ceiling Cat. Dis is what he tells us doh: I is set you on fiar, and ur fur be all smelleh and it be awfuls, both smelly and dry, it shall be extreemli uncomfurtable den. Yoo can't gets it to stop eidur, all yor faeces will be on fiar if you don't be goods. 48 And dey will stop hidins and realies teh seriusniss of hao smelleh and disgustins that would be; dey would kno teh fiar would nawt go out!"

49 Den I told Ceiling Cat, "Oh, grate Ceiling Cat! Dey not wantins to fallow ur wurdz for r tryins to hide! dey said: 'Nobody here but us Chickens...'"

Ezekiel 20
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