Ezekiel 21

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Old Testament

1 Ceilin Cat sez to me:2 "Oh hai, son uv man! bad news, u telz3 peeps in jerusalem: Ima gonna kill u, gud an bad.4 norf an souf, Ima gonna kill em allz.5 den dey all be the srry, an kno Im da head boss.6 so den, son uv man, mown an grown liek u sikc r sumfin.7 den whne da peeps ax u whut ur problm iz, u kin sai "coz Ceiling Cat iz pissed atchu. srsly."8 An den Ceiling Cat sez:9 "Son uv man, go prophesiez an tell em I sez:

Sowrds is sowrds,

an dey be kept sharp-liek, dey be liek da big-kitteh's claws, liek dat kindz sharps,10 supr sharps for slaughtrin evr'ting! Scary, eh?

"You wanna rejoyc in Judahses stick? Sowrds, dey no leik sticks at all. Sticks is jus sowrds wut lost all dey sharps.11 "Sowrds is polish'd an shiny,

liek dem windows wut burds hit, 'cept sowrds no funny, dey kill evr'ting. Kill burds an kittehs and sons uv menses, all, srsly.12 Cry an wail, son uv man, liek youse has had cookies stolen form youse chirruns,

'cuz sowrds, dey be 'gainst my peeples, for realz, yo;

it be against all da top cats in Israel, srsly.

Teh sowrds is out afta dem, dey bad peeps,

and my peeps too, not so much fun.

So go beat your breasteses liek King Kong, 'cept you no monkey--Ima intel'gent creator.13 "Tell em I's gonna test ya'll, and mens be all liek 'HALP!' iffen dat stick uv Judahses don't continues. Wut den, man? Srsly. Tell em I sez so."14 "So, kai den, go an prophesiez, son uv man

clap yer hands and sai yeah.

Let da sowrds strikes twice,

or srsly, you know, evn threes times.

'Cus it be a sowrd for killin--

a sowrd for killin evr'ting,

sowrds comin at youse all from all sides at unce, liek crazy. For realz, yo.15 Liek, dey gonna melter yer hartses,

liek chochlat harts wut kidses fel 'sleep upn on sofas,

I'z got dis scary sowrdser redy for da killins,

gots it waitin at all dey front doors, an cat doors, too, so you bettr prophesiez good.

Oh! Dis sowrd is liek litnin, srsly,

and--I no jokin, son uv man--is srsly for da killin. You all ded, liek, for realz.16 Gonna slash rights and lefs,

wid my supr ninja kitteh slasheses,

wher'ver yer blades is turned. So no tryin, eez no good.17 Nao I's gonna clap my hands an sai yeah,

an susbideth my wraths.

So go--I is Ceiling Cat--and I sez so."18 Den Ceiling Cat sez to me:19 "Son uv man, pik some roads for the king uv Babylon to bring his sowrd down, from one place to t'other. Throe up some graffiti to show em da way.20 Pik one road sos da sowrds can get after Rabbah an da Ammoniteses , and t'other sos dey get after Judah and his peeps.21 'Cuz da king uv Babylon wil look for yer graffiti where da roadses cross all p'sgetti liek: He do tings liek askin arrows and livers which way to go.22 But I already knoes, he's goin ta Jerusalem. I sez so.23 His whol army gonna think heiz lyin, but he gona taek em captives and no matters.24 "Therefor, I sez: 'Cuz you peeps is all guilty-headed an has shows all dez invisible errors all da tiem--cuz you done dis, yer all gonna be captives as burds in cages, 'cept not purty an no good for eets.25 " 'O prinze of Israel, youse profane and wikked man, yer tiem is here, liek todays,26 dis is what Celing Cat sez: Taek off dat silly hat. It's not liek yesterday; today it iz not silly hat day no moar. Da lowly oneses is gonna be 'xalted, and vices versas.27 Ruens, srsly, I's gonna maek it all ruens! I's gona taek it all, and not givins nutting bakc til he comes who rly owns it all; I give it to him, keep it til den liek Bank uv Amurca, srsly.28 "And you, son uv man, go prophesiez and sai, 'Dis is wut Ceiling Cat sez bout dose Ammonites an dey insultins:

" ' Moar sowrds, moar killins, moar uv all dat;29 Spite fake visions bout youse,

an all dem lies bout you,

it's gonna be da nekks

uv da wikked dats gettin cut up,

srsly.30 But den put da sowrd away gain,

when you gets home, Im gona judge you.31 Gonna poor out my wraths upn youse all,

an breathes out fier in yer faces;

Gonna let all my brutsish kittehs rough youse up,

an dey be good at it, srsly, dey be doin it right.32 Youse gonna be feul for da fire

wid yer blod all ova da land liek, ick, for realz,

an noobody member you no moar;

'Cuz I sez so, an I iz Cieling Cat."

Ezekiel 21
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