Genesis 6

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Old Testament

1 An when men begun 2 begats kidz on teh urf, dey had dawters. wich is gud cuz Ceiling Cat still wudnt let dem masturbate.

2 An teh sons ov Ceiling Cat saw taht teh dawters ov mens wer rly hawt An sexy; An dey sed "PENIS GOES WHERE?" An dey had sexxs but no buttsecks cuz it wuznt inventd yet.

3 An Ceiling Cat sed, i no fites wif ppl 4evr so i no lets tehm liv 4evr: aftr wiel dey wil getz ded. htey is stil thinkx dey can livs long tiem but i givs dem only 1 liefs insted ov 9 liek teh kittehs. so tehre.

4 An sum wierd d00dz calld Nephilim wer in teh urfs in dose dais to scroos teh Creationists, An also aftr dat, when teh sons ov Ceiling Cat An dawters ov men did PENIS GOES WHERE?! but still no buttsecks, An they begats kidz. An teh kidz were badass powrful liek superman An wonder woman An all teh avatars in WoW, An dey wer all famous An stuf.

5 An Ceiling Cat saw dat teh ppl on teh urfs wuz all wikkid An mean An evil, An dat ppl thot ov wikkid mean evil stuf all teh tiem. An they rited wikkidpedia so evry1 wud knoes how 2 b all wikkid An mean An evil.

6 An Ceiling Cat wuz rly sry dat he had madez ppl on teh urf, An it maded him all sad An pissed off An stuff.

7 An Ceiling Cat sed im gonna pwnz all teh ppl An aminals what i has maded on teh urf; ppl An moo cows An creepy crawlyz An burdz ov teh skyz An burdz liek ostridges An stuf who cant flyz; cuz i so sry i maded them.

8 But Ceiling Cat liekd noah alot.

9 This is story about noah. noah wuz rightchus d00d, An liek mor rightchus then any1 els. noah hung out wif Ceiling Cat alot An lissend 2 tunez An played pokemons An stuff.. An sum tiems Ceiling Cat even letz him winz cuz he liekd him alot.

10 An noah begat 3 sons, shem, ham, An japheth. but i alrdy told u that.

11 An teh urf wuz corruptd An messed up, An teh urfs wuz filld wif meanies.

12 An Ceiling Cat saw teh urf, An saw taht it wuz corruptd cuz all teh ppl had fuxxxxd it up.

13 An Ceiling Cat sed 2 noah, i iz gonna pwnz the whole urf cuz teh urf has mor evilz An vilents then WoW An grand theft auto. so im gonna pwnz tehm An teh whole urfs. all teh filez in ppls hedz iz all corruptd An dey keep emailin em 2 all ther frendz. i should haev kept it in Beta longr :( An inventd mcafee An nortonz An stuff to keep out trojan snake wormz An viruses An rootkitz An stuf liek that.

14 Make gynormus bote calld ark ov gophr wud; maek roomz in teh ark, An cover it wif tar on teh insidez An outsiedz. An noah sed wait a minit u cant getz wood frm gophrs, u has 2 use treez. An Ceiling Cat sed i can callz a tree a gophr if i wantz cuz i iz Ceiling Cat. so stfu An go getz ur hammerz An sawz An stuff. An noah sed k, brb.

15 An Ceiling Cat sed dis iz how u makez teh ark: teh length ov teh ark 300 cubits An teh width ov it 50 cubitz An teh hite ov it 30 cubits. An noah sed wtf iz a cubit An Ceiling Cat sed stfu again. so noah did.

16 maek sum windoze (but not teh µ!¢®0$0ƒ+ kind) in teh ark 2 cubitz hai An mek teh door in teh side. An maek it wif 1th, 2th, An 3th storiez.

17 An see, i makez teh flood ov waters upon teh hole urf, 2 pwnz all teh ppl An aminals An stuffz An evrythin in teh hol urfs iz gets ded.

18 But i iz taeks care ov u An keeps u safe cuz i lieks u alot. An u can haz ride in teh ark, u An ur sons An ur wief An ur sons wifez 2.

19 An u taeks 2 ov every kind ov aminal into teh ark, 2 keep them aliv wif u (even teh goggies); An mek shur dey r male An femael so dey can meks mor aminals after dey leavs teh ark but i wont letz dem do PENIS GOES WHERE?! on teh ark cuz mor aminals wud mek it 2 crouded.

20 Taek all kinds of teh birdz, An ov teh moocows, An ov teh creepy crawlyz on teh urf, 2 ov evry kind. but dont worry about teh fishz, dey can swimz gud.

21 An taek teh f00dz dat all teh ppl An aminals lieks 2 eatz, An gathr it up; An it shall b 4 fud 4 u, An 4 them. An noah sed thers gonna b lotz ov poopi to shuvl wif all dem aminals An stuff, An Ceiling Cat sed stfu i iz givez dem all rael bad constipashun so dont worry about it. An noah sed k and stfu'd.

22 so noah did evry thin Ceiling Cat tellz him, bein a gud boi bcuz he had to stfu.

Dramatic Audio Reading (Courtesy of LOLCheshirecat)

Genesis 6
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