Hosea 2

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Old Testament

1 Say ov ur brotherers, "Mah peeps". An say ov ur sisterers, "I has cheeseburger".

Ceiling Catz Cheatn Wife

2 Pledd wit ur muddr, srsly, 4 shez not mah wife, Im not her husband. Tell her quit dresin liek whore, an skankiness from betw33n her b00bzez

3 Or I tak her clothez, an makes her nakd as babee. I be in her lifes takn her watr. I has her bukket an not givin it bak.

4 I has no pitteh wif her childrn, All from invisible buttseks.

5 I tells u momz get 2 much buttseks, makin lots ov bastardz. She sed, "I am goin 2 me lubrz! He givz me cheesburger n cookiez, w00!

6 So I getz mad n she getz pwnd. I leav her wif a lion, but she cant get in car.

7 She searched for her lubrz, but her lubrz invisible. Then she sedz "I goes wif mah husband. He givz me cheesburger an cookies. Then I can eated it."

8 She didnt knoes I has bukket 4evar, an givz her cheesburger, an cookies. But she givz it as gift wif Baal-buttsecks.

9 But I takez back teh cheezburgers n cookies. No moar b00z, No moar clothesez No moar PENIS GO WHERE.

10 I'll embarrasz hr in front of hr lubrz, n she'll be pwnd cuz all her base are belong to me.

11 I'll makez hr go DO NOT WANT, n me endz all hr partehz.

12 I'll dleet hr WOW account cuz she be liek, "Theez ar mah XP wut I gotz from my lubrz, w00t w00t" Me make tehm liek teh n00bz .

13 Im gonna punish her 4 da dais She burnd incense 2 teh baals; She deckd herself wif rings an jewelry, An went aftr her lovers, But me she forgot," Declarez teh lord.

14 "therefore im nao goin 2 allure her; Im gonna lead her into teh desert An speek tenderly 2 her.

15 Thar im gonna giv her bak her vineyardz, An will mak teh valley ov achor [a] door ov hope. Thar she will sing [b] as in da dais ov her youth, As in da dai she came up out ov egypt.

16 "in dat dai," declarez teh lord, "u will call me mah husband; U will no longr call me mah mastah. [c]

17 Im gonna remoov teh namez ov teh baals frum her lips; No longr will their namez be invokd..

18 In dat dai im gonna mak covenant 4 them Wif teh beasts ov teh field an teh birdz ov teh air An teh creaturez dat moov along teh ground. Bow an sword an battle Im gonna abolish frum teh land, So dat all cud lie down in safety.

19 Im gonna betroth u 2 me forevr; Im gonna betroth u in [d] righteousnes an justice, In [e] luv an compashun.

20 Im gonna betroth u in faithfulnes, An u will acknowledge teh lord.

21 "in dat dai im gonna respond," Declarez teh lord— "im gonna respond 2 teh skiez, An they will respond 2 teh earth;

22 An teh earth will respond 2 teh grain, Teh new wine an oil, An they will respond 2 jezreel. [f]

23 Im gonna plant her 4 myself in da land; Im gonna show mah luv 2 teh wan i calld not mah lovd wan. [g] Im gonna say 2 dose calld not mah peeps, [h] u r mah peeps; An they will say, u r mah ceilin cat. "

Teh Footnotez

  • a - Hosea 2:15 achor meanz trouble .
  • b - Hosea 2:15 or respond
  • c - Hosea 2:16 hebrew baal
  • d - Hosea 2:19 or wif ; also in verse 20
  • e - Hosea 2:19 or wif
  • f - Hosea 2:22 jezreel meanz ceilin cat plants .
  • g - Hosea 2:23 hebrew lo-ruhamah
  • h - Hosea 2:23 hebrew lo-ammi
Hosea 2
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