Jeremiah 11

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Old Testament


1 Theez ar teh wurds taht cam to Jerdemaya from teh Ceiling Cat:
2 "Lissen to teh terms of mai cobenent an tell dem to teh kittehs of Joodah
 and to peepls who lyv in Jerooslum.

3 Tell dem dat dis is wat teh Ceiling Cat, teh Gawd of Izreel says. Ready, heer I go:
 Pwnd is teh kitteh hoo duz not ohbey teh terms of teh cobenent!

4 Teh terms I comanded yer fur fathers wen I braut dem out ov Ejipt, out ov teh tanning boofs.
 I sez, "obay me an doo evryting i sez an yu wil be mai peepls and I wil be yur Gawd!"

5 Then I will fulfyll teh plomis i plomised to yur fur fathers:
 teh plomised land of cheezbergers and Colt 45- teh veree land yus has tooday! Yay me!"
And I sez, "A-miaow, O gloreeus Ceiling Cat!"

6 And Ceiling Cat sez to me: "fur shuur! Anounse mai wurds. Mai wurds, yu will anounse dem!
 Lissen to teh terms ov mai cobanent an memer dem! (I kno eye repeets maiself.
 Itz for teh n00bs hoo heer mai wurds foar teh furst tym, kthx.)

7 Frum long agoe wen I braut yer fur-fathers out ov Ejipt till todai,
 I warn dem ober and ober and ober,"Ohbay me!"
 But dey is st00pid noobs! Jeebus, hao mani tyms I gotsa sai it?

8 But noooooo! Dey no lissen! Dey gots ear boogies or sumfin. Dey wer two stubbern
 and followd der ebil hartz! So'z I bring uber pwnage on dem!
 I bringded teh raybeez and teh Drillcat and i eben fuxd wit ther persepshuns!
 And i telz dem "Follow me!" But dey no lissen. Dey say, "PPtthh! u sux!"

9 Der is a cunspeerisy amung teh peepl of Joodah and dohs hoo lyv in Jerooslum.
 dey lissen to teh govmint hoo tells dem, "taht wer no HovrCat, dat wer swamp gas frum a
 wether bloon taht reflektud teh lite frum Veenis."

10 Dey don kno taht I seen wat tehy did ther! And dey has invisible error lyk der fur-fathers
 and hav wershipd othr ceiling cats taht wer faksters!

11 So'z dey haz it commin. I'z gona send daown mai raff and der will bee no 'skapes!
 Dey'r gona crai lyk emocat, "WAI, WAI? I CRAI AWL DAI"
 and I will laff at dem an no lissen.

12 Teh kittehs of Joodah and Jerooslum wil crai out to teh fakster gawds hoo can no heerz dem
 bcuz der not reeel an dey has no lyf in dem.

13 Yu hav as mani gawds as yu hav fleez! And ur tabbles ar for teh fakster gawd Bally
 and yu set ur bukkits on dem.

14 Do not praize for deez kittehs cuz I wil not lissen wen tehy calls to me! Nyah nyah!

15 Wat ar mai gud kittehs doin in taht base?
 Can ur blessd bukkits keeps yu frum yer punishmint? Ya, rite!
 You has so much happy wen yu ar nawty!

16 Teh Ceiling Cat sed u wer a bootiful treez wif gud fruitzes
 but wyth a mitee ROOOOAAAAR He will setz ur treez on fyre! Ya, rly!

17 Teh gloreeus Ceiling Cat, hoo berfed yu, has plomised ur destroikshun
 bcuz teh bases ov Joodah and Izreel hav ben ebil and pokded teh Ceiling Cat
 til he hisses and gets hims rebenje.


18 Teh Ceiling Cat reebeeld teh n00bys plotzes to me. w00t!
 he shewd me der thred cuz it wuz relevent to mai intrests. Rly!

19 I had ben lyk a jentl bebeh kitteh led to teh doggie hawse, and I dids not reeleyez
 taht dey has plotzes agenst meh. And tehy sez:

"Letz us deestroi teh tree and itz fruitz0rs! MWAHAHAHA!
let us pwnz0r hym and no one wil memer hiz naym! Coolbeans!
20 But O, gloreeus Ceiling Cat, hoo iz full ov rychuss, and hoo seez wat I did ther.
 Let me see yu PWN teh ebil n00bz wif ur destroikshun majik!

21 Threfoar, tihs is wat the Ceiling Cat sez abowt teh st00pid n00bz:
22 "I WIL PWN DEM WIF NO MERCEES! Der bebeh kittehs wil dye wif no fuudz.
23 Not evn a leetl crum frum a kookie wil be left bcuz I wil teh mowses eatsez it.
 cuz i am ruffless! And my catitude is mai raff!" OMG Srsly!

So sayeth teh Ceiling Cat. A-miaow.

Jeremiah 11
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