Jeremiah 12

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Old Testament


1 U ar alwaiz rychuss, O Ceiling Cat, wen I bringded my trubbls to u.
 But I gots sum bonzes to pick wif you!
 Wai do teh ebil kittehs havs so musch pokemons?
 Wai do tehy havs blessins and I no can has nuthin? Mai lyfs is full of FAILS!

2 Yu hav petted tehm and tehy has kookies and has eated dem.
 Dey talk lyks dey lurves yu, but wen yu tern arownd tehy maeks fayces at you.

3 But yu knos me, Ceiling Cat, yu seez I alwaiz tinkin bout yu.
 Tayk dem awai FTW! Pwnz dem an sqweez dem til der heds pop off lyk dayzees!

4 Hao long will teh n00bs nom teh gud caek and has teh flufyest blankies?
 Hao long will der yards hav teh bestest catsnips? Srsly tehy gots teh hydroponic catsnips.
 Awl teh ebil kittehs hoo talk smak agenst yu has birdies to eets an couches to skratch. I WANTS!
 And awl teh peepl ar sayin, "Ceiling Cat no seez wat hapenz to us! I CRAI an wan to dyes!


5 "O hai! Hao cans yu choke on macaroni, den ax me foar lasagna? Dat st00pids!
 Hao cans yu fro awai goald bukkits, den ax me foar kookies?
 If'n yu laff in mah fayc, wai yu crai taht i smak yu?

6 Evn yur brudder kittehs, ur own fur and teefs, lyes abowt yu
 and havs rayzded up der miaows agenst yu. I herd em, srsly!"

7 I will ferget mai howse and leevs it to teh deble.
 I gona givs mai peepls to teh nenemys.

8 I has FAIL awl ober mai howse! Yu will has fleez in ur harbls!
 Ur st00pidness is ur jayl and I am awl out ov happy.
 Teh n00bs got all gud stuffs and yu gots spoylded milks.

9 Yu will roll in catsnips onlee to see its poysin ivee!
 Yu will lik urself, just to be froan ina watrbaf!
 Yu will jump foar birdies onlee to fall on ur fayse in teh litterbocks.
 Yu will crai, "Poar me, I sux!"

10 Mani peepls will trampple ur backyard and ruin ur weeds;
 tehy turn ur flaurers into ded styks and derts and ur fishy krakers tayst lyk dawg fud!

11 Yu iz parchded wif no can openers and starvs bcuz no one cayrs!
12 Ovr awl ur deeserts buggies will crawl
 foar teh litesaber ov teh Ceiling Cat will vaypureyes frum won syde of teh couch to teh othr.
 an no won will be safs.

13 Yu will plant catznips but onlee gro crabgras. An yu will run arownd teh base and onlee get dizee
 So wayr ur shame lyk a dingle coller cuz teh ceiling cats angreez is feerc!

14 Dis is wat teh Ceiling Cat sez:
 "O Hai! Awl yu ebil n00bs hoo steelz teh bukkitz frum mai
 speshul peeplz; I will pwn yu frum ur carpetz and tackl teh bases of Joodah!

15 But aftr I pwn dem, I will has mercees an dey cans com bak frum ekzile in Narnia.
16 An if'n dey lern ther lessin an wership onlee mee, den I will letz dem be mai peepl to.
17 But if'n anee nashun no lissins, I will destroids dem an frow dem to teh Tacgnol! FTW!"

So sayith teh Ceiling Cat. A-miaow

Jeremiah 12
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