Jeremiah 29

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Old Testament

1. Dis teh text of letur frum prophit Jeremiah to survivin eldurz frum amung exilz an priests, profits and all peepul Nebuchidnezur carryed to exile to Babylon.

2. Dis wuz after King Jehoiachin and queen mother, court offishulz and other ppl go to exilz.

3. Elasah son uv Shapan an Gemariah son uv Hilkiah sez: "I can haz letter?" An Jeremiah sez, "yes u can haz letter." Elasah and Gemariah gots letter, go to Nebuchadnezzar for Zedekiah king of Judah. Letter sez:

4. "Dis wut Ceiling Cat sez to exilez.

5. U can haz houses! U can haz gardenz and cheezburgr, and u can eated cookys.

6. U can haz babiez, u can haz wedding, so u can haz moar babiez. Haz lotz moar of babies, no can haz less babiez.

7. Pray to Ceiling Cat that Babylon can haz moar cheezburgrz; if Babylon haz cheezburgrz, u get moar cheezburgr, too."

8. Dis wut lord sez: "No let prophets and diviners eated ur cookys. They no haz cookys or cheezburgr. U no give them moar.

9. They be liars, takin ur bukkitz in my name," declarez the lord.

10. Dis wut Lord sez: "Wen seventy yearz are over, I will come and you can haz home."

11. "I haz planz for u," sez lord. "Planz so u can haz moar cheezburgr, iz good cheezburgr too, so no worry, k?"

12. "Den u can haz prayingz, and Ceiling Cat will listen. Srsly.

13. U will seek wif heart

14. an u can haz findingz," sez lord, "Den I be in ur babylon, bringin u back from teh exilez. No moar captivez, you can haz come home nau."

15. You may sez, "ur doin it wrong. Ceiling Cat maded prophits for us in babyon,"

20. Exilez gon bai-bai, listen to wurdz of Ceiling Cat, srsly.

29. Zephaniah the priest haz readingz letur to Jeremiah the prophit.

30. Then Ceiling Cat waz lik, "im in ur head, givin mah word" to Jeremiah.

31. Send dis mesage 2 all teh exilez: dis ar teh wut teh Lord sez bout Shemaiah teh Nehelamite: cuz Shemaiah has profesid 2 u, even though I did not send him, an has led u 2 bleev lie,

32. Dis ar teh wut teh Lord sez: Im gonna surely punish Shemaiah teh Nehelamite an his descendants. He will has no wan left among dis peeps, nor will he c teh gud things im gonna do 4 mah peeps, declarez teh Lord, cuz he has preachd rebellion against me.

Jeremiah 29
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