Job 13

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Old Testament
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1 Mah ais haev seen all dis, mah eerz haev hurd an undurstood it. srsly:

2 Wat joo be nowin, I knoz to. Iz nawt enfeerior too yuu.

3 But Ai wantz to spaek and too arguu mah caes wid Ceiling Cat.

4 U, howevr, smear me wif liez; U R WORTHLES VETRANARIANZ, ALL OV U!!!!!1!eleven!!!!!!! DO NOT WANT. kthx.

5 STFU! If yu STFU yu can has wizdom. YEY kitteh wizdom!

6 Heer mai rgument! Lissun 2 teh werds frum mah kitteh lipz!

7 R U gonna tel anti-truffz for Ceiling Cat an speek in misleedin weyz?

8 R U gonna maek Ceiling Cat ur fav kitteh an spaek in favur of Him?

9 Will yu b nervus wehn Ceiling Cat lookz thru yor kitteh toyz? Or kan yu hied yor kitteh toyz from Ceiling Cat lyke yu hied dem frum teh humanz and otehr kittehs?

10 He gonna taek all yur cheezburgerz if yu hied yur kitteh toyz an make otehr kittehz ur fav. Srsly.

11 Wont yu b skeerd of His epic pwnage? Wont He maek yu shaek in yor kitteh bootz an whant too haid?

12 Yor seyingz R nuffin and yor defencez iz maed of kitteh littr. Wich iz kaeend of gros BTW.

13 "STFU gaiz an Ai tel yu stufz. Let watevur bad stufz gonna happn, happn.

14 Kso, iz gonna taek mah kitteh skinz in mai teeth an put mah kitteh lyfe in mai paws.

15 Stil, Ceiling Cat gonna keel me (Den ai can haz no cheezburgerz); Ai can haz no hoep; But ai stil gonna deefend mah kitteh weys to His Kitteh Face.

16 TIHS wil b mai cheezburger cuz kittehs taht dont fahlow Ceiling Cat dont tahlk to Him an deefend tehre kitteh weyz.

17 K GAIZ, lissen to mai werdz an trai to haer dem rly a lot. Srsly. Stawp lickin yur kitteh paws an let mai werds chill in yor kitteh eerz.

18 Ai kno wut ai gonna tel Ceiling Cat abowt mai kitteh weyz, an i kno i can haz cheezburger.

19 R ne kittehz gonna Rgue wit meh? Cuz tehn i wuld jus STFU an dai. Srsly. Kthxbai.


Job'z Prayur

20 Onlee gimme too stufz, tehn ai wont hyde mai kitteh toyz frum yu, teh almity Ceiling Cat:

21 Plz taek yor ginormous Ceiling paw acros teh rooom frum meh. Oh, an dont let yor pwnage maek meh al skeerd. Kthx.

22 Tehn cal meh an ai wil answur aftur ai pik up teh foen wit mah kitteh pawz. Oh, or tahlk too meh wen i sey stuf to joo.

23 Hao meny invisable errors haz ai maked? Tel meh hao meny so ai kan maek dat numbr smal lyke mous.

24 Wai can ai no see joo? An yu tihnk iz a bahd kitteh. AI AM NAWT BAD KITTEH!!!!!!

25 R U gonna maek a pour lil leaf all skeerd? An goe aftur burnd ded leafsz?

26 Lyke taht lil leaf, yu rite bad tihngs about meh. Oh, an yu maek meh has teh bad partz of yooth. Dis maek me sad kitteh. Srsly.

27 Yu put mai kitteh paws in teh kitteh bootz and yu lookz at evurywhur ai go. Even wen ai go on tawp of teh fridg to wach al da birdz flai outsied teh windo.

28 Kittehs kan go away lyke ohld catnip turnz tew drt. Oh, or lyke moffs eet a shurt. I lyke moffs.

Job 13
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