John 11

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New Testament

Teh Death of Lolrus

1 In teh hometown uf Mary, thar wuz a dood, LOLrus, who wuz sick. All sick liek he ated 2 much cheezburgerz.

2 You no, teh Mry who was liek "Happy Cat, yur paws needs to cleans." But she had no wipes so then she wipes wif her hairs.

3 An the doods sisters went to find Happy Cat, an were liek "Dis is kewl dood yu wuv, and hes all sickn stuff."

4 Happy Cat liek heard wut they sed he wuz all liek "Dis is for teh glory of Ceiling Cat, cuz liek I can has glory."

5 Happy Cat lieked teh dood n hiz sistars.

6 He ttly took his sweet time getting ready, liek 2 hole daze.

7 Then Happy Cat sayz "Roadtrip 2 Joodea."

8 But hiz peeps were all liek "But Happy Cat, last time we was ther they was totally not kewl."

9 So Happy Cat told 'em. "I can has travel by day, so no can has sprained ankle.

10 If I can has travel at nite, I can has sprained ankle."

11 Happy Cat was all liek "Mah dood Lolrus has naptime. We go, n wake mah dood."

12 But teh peeps were all liek "If he's nappin this would be way easy."

13 How come for theys no get wat Jebus wuz talkin bout def ?

14 So Happy Cat no moar talked wif teh meadow for n teh similes and he sed "Lolrus loozed his bukkek n stuff.

15 N I am liek all glad I wuz not der, but I is here, so you can liek beleaf. So, lez go."

16 Then teh peep named Thomas who wuz called teh twin, cuz he all looks liek Happy Cat, was all liek "Yo, lezgo to be with Happy Cat n we can all be ded wif him."

17 When Happy Cat fnally got der he wuz in teh grave for liek 4 daze.

18 N teh city wuz all close to teh hood.

19 N lots of doods n joos has came to talk to teh sistars.

20 Then when theys hered that Jesus was thar, Martha went 2 meet em, but Mary stayed home.

21 So liek Martha saw Happy Cat n says "You has to laet,

22 but I no Ceiling Cat will totally listen to you."

23 So Happy Cat says "Your dood will has his bukket."

24 Martha was all liek "He can't has bukket in teh ceiling yet."

25 But Happy Cat was all "No no no, I can has bukket. N if u believe, you too can has bukket."

26 "An liek if u can has bukket, u can has no def, if you can has a beleaf in Celing Cat's kitteh. Srsly"

27 Martha totally was liek "Ai can has beleaf. An Iz no that you are teh kitteh of teh Ceiling Cat."

28 So Martha totally went to her sistar and sed "Jebus axed fer u."

29 N Mary was all liek "dood!" n ran to Happy Cat.

30 He wasnt thar yet,

31 but teh doods n joos wer liek "Lookit her runnin to cry for Lolrus." An dey followed her.

32 But when Mary founded Happy Cat she was all about "You iz to laet."

33 Den Happy Cat saweded her all emo an teh Joos dat com wit her wer also emo and Happy Cat wuz very sadz and his sprit was moveded liek srsly.

34 "Wer did yu lai him?" Happy Cat askeded. "Coem here and yu can see too," dey sed bac.

35 Happy Cat wepted.

36 An teh Joos sawed dis an sed, "See! He wuvs hims too!"

37 Thn, sum ov teh ppl seyz, "Diz cat can heal blind catz, can he oso stop teh LOLRus frm goin to teh ceiling?"

38 An thn Happy Cat went to teh tomb which was dis cave, an its has stone in frnt ov teh cave.

39 Happy Cat sez, "Taek awai teh stone." Bt, Martha, LOLrus' sis sez, "DO NOT WANT! Teh cave iz teh smelli! LOLRus wuz ded 4 dais ago!"

40 Thn, Happy Cat sez, "I told u beefour! Eev u beleaf, u can see teh glory of teh Ceiling Cat."

41 So they moved teh stone. And Happy Cat looked up and sed, "Thanx fur listnin', Ceiling Cat!

42 I knows you heared me, but dese peeps hangin' round don't beleaf in me. Iz show dem."

43 He sed dese tings, den he yelleded: "Oh hai! I can has Lolrus!"

44 Den, LOLRus coem out. Hiz clothz wuz liek all ova him. An can not see. So Happy Cat sez, "Loose him an let him go nao, kthxbai."

45 Den many catz who coem to Marry sawed wat Happy Cat did an beleaf.

46 Buht sum dem gao tew Pharisees an dem sez what Jebus do.

47 Dem Pharisees gao leik "MEETIN!" and stoof. Dey leik "Him do stoofs an whut we did?

48 If us let Happy Cat do hiz stoofs, evry1 will has beleaf in him. WE GONNA BE PWNT!"

49 Den tis one beeg dewd, Ciaphus, him leik "YU KNO NUFINK!


51 As high preest him predicked dis.

52 Him sez awl dem cats cud be togever tew.

53 Sow frum den on dem leik "WE GONNA KEEEL HIM!"

54 So Happy Cat leik "Omg nu!" an him haides. Him peeples haide too. Dem in Ephraim.

55 Den it wuz leik awlmost Passover.

56 Peeples leik "LOL WUT? JEBUZ NO HERE?"

57 Yea, Happy Cat no dere acuz beeg dewd wuz leik "If yu seez him yu gotta sez so. An we gao get im."

John 11
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