John 12

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New Testament
Jebus gets oilfeets in Bethany

1 An six days afore it was teh Passovr, Jebus wented to Befany, whar Lazarus livd (teh men he maded not ded).2 An Martha was all liek, "OMG, eat lots, Jebus, becuz we luv u". An Jebus an Lazarus wuz all liek NOM NOM NOM!3 Den dis gurl Mary, she gots reely nummy smelling oils an she rubbed Jebus's feets wid it. Den she tookded her hair and wipeded it off agian, and de hous smelled reely NUMMY, and de nummy smell wuz Jebus's feets.

4 But Judas (who wuz sposed to be Jebus's freind but reely wasn't) was all liek,5 "OMG dat oil, it r worth so many cheezburgrs!!! U shood sell it for cheezburgrs an give dose cheezburgrs to all de poor kittehs. Srsly."6 But reely, Judas was uncaring-cat, an stolded Cheezburgrs for hisself all teh timez.
7 But Jebus was all liek "STFU, kthx. Soon I go be dedz, so I can has oilfeets.8 Dere will alwayz be more poor kittehs, but dere is only oen Jebus. Srsly."
9 Wen all teh kittehs heard dat Jebus wuz thar, dey was all liek "OMG JEBUS!" an also "OMG Lazarus zombie!" an dey all came runnins.10 So teh priests wuz all liek "we can haz kill the zombie?"11 cuz now all teh kittehs lieked Jebus cuz he maded Lazarus not ded, an teh priests wuz unhappy-cats.

Jebus Comes to Town

12 Teh next day, all teh kittehs herd dat Jebus wuz goinz to Jerusalem. A bunch of kittehs13 all broughted catnip an went to teh road to see hims. Dey wuz shoutins

 O Hai Ceiling Cat!
 Jebus can has cookies plz?
 O Hai Jebus, u iz are King!!1!
14 Jebus saw a donkey, and wuz all liek "O Hai, iz my donkey naow." An dis wuz liek a ting peoplez would say, and dat wuz
15 "No be scareded, Jerusalem
 cuz ur King is ridins a donkey. Srsly."
16 But Jebus's kittehs didn't get it at teh time (dat Jebus ridins a donkey wuz liek dis ting peoplez used to say). But laterz, dey wuz all liek "WTF, dat poem bout teh King ridin a donkey wuz totally about Jebus!!1! Even tho it wuz wrote a long timez ago. Srsly!"
17 Lots of teh kittehs had seens Jebus make Lazarus not be ded anymore, and dey wuz all liek "OMG did u see dat?" to teh other kittehs.18 Dat's why all teh kittehs wanted to see Jebus more closer, cuz dat ting wit Lazarus wuz COOL.19 An teh Pharisees wuz all liek "why we r not cool no moar? All teh kittehs luv Jebus naow."

Jebus is all liek "O NOES!"

20 Sum Greeks21 wented up to Philip (who wuz from Bethsaida in Galilee), and dey was all liek "we can has meet Jebus?"22 So Philip wented up to Andrew, and wuz liek "they can haz meet Jebus?" an Andrew was liek "I dunnoes" so dey wented togedder to Jebus to ask him.

23 Jebus sed, "It r time for Man's Kitteh (dat's me) to haz many cheezburgrs.24 It r like catnip: oen catnip seed r make oen catnip sprout. But wen teh catnip r ded, it r maek many catnips. An teh catnip, it has a flavr.25 If u luv life, u will be all liek "O NOES!" wen u r ded. But if u r liek "life is teh suxors!" den u be happy-cat wen u r ded.26 If u r freinds wit me, den u can has go to ceiling wen u r ded, liek me. Cuz Ceiling Cat, he lieks teh peoplez dat tink I am teh roxors.

27 Naow I is all liek "oh noes!" What u think I shood say to Ceiling Cat? I no can be all liek "I stay alive kthnx", cuz it r important to teh plan dat I be all sacrifieced n stuff. Srsly. So instaed I say,28 "Dad, be teh roxors, kthnx."

An den a BIG MEAOW came from teh cieling, an it sed "WTF? I AM TEH ROXORS!!1! An I will MORE teh roxors! Srsly."29 All teh peoplez hearded teh voyce. Sum wuz all liek "STFU, it r just thundrz." Othr peoplez sed teh voice wuz frum an angel kitteh dat wuz speaknz to Jebus.
30 Jebus sed "Dat voyce wuz for u peoplez, not for me.31 Naow it r teh time for all teh peoplez to be judjed. Naow teh hitlercats of teh urfs is goinz to be kickd out.32 But r goinz up, away from teh urfs, an all teh peoplez r goinz to come to me."33 (An here, Jebus wuz hinting bout how he wuz goinz to be killd, but it wuz very suttle and not all kittehs getted it).

34 Den teh peoplez wuz all liek "WTF? We thoughted dat ChristCat wuz goinz to live for evar! Naow you say dat teh Man's Kitteh is goinz to be lifted away? This r confusin. Srsly. Who r Man's Kitteh?"
35 So den Jebus sed "Right naow, you can has a Lite (it r me). U should walk while u has it so teh darkness no catchez you. Peoplez who walkz in teh darks r all liek "whar is I goinz??"36 Soon, u no has Lite. So u r must beleive in teh Lite wile u has it, an den u can be kittehs of teh Lite." And den Jebus ran away, and teh peoplez no could see him no mores.
37 An teh peoplez wuz a liek "WTF???" an did not beleeve Jebus, even though dey had seened Jebus do lots of srsly cool stuff.
38 Remembr when Isaiah teh prophet guy was all liek "Who haz beleeved our story? An who has ben pettd wit teh paw of Ceiling Cat?" Did wuz liek dat.39 Cuz no one beleeved Jebus becuz no one had evar seend Ceiling Cat. An also Isaih sed,40 "He are makeded dem blind an angry an stuff, so dey no see an udnerstand tings and dey no feel sorry about it. So dey no come to me, even tho I makded dem cookies an I no eated dem."41 Isaiah sed dese tings becuz he did see Ceiling Cat and he talkded about it a lot.
42 But reely, lots of important kittehs did beleeve Jebus. But teh Pharisees wuz super mean, so teh kittehs no admitted it. Dey wuz scareded dat teh Pharisees woud kikc dem out of teh Sinagog.43 Cuz dese kittehs lieked having freinds n stuff more den beeing lieked by Ceiling Cat.
44 An Jebus got reely loud, an sed dat teh kittehs dat beleeved him aslo beleeved in Ceiling Cat, and any people who thought dat he was teh suxors aslo thought that Ceiling Cat was teh suxors.45 "Any kitteh who looks at me is aslo looking at Ceiling Cat, cuz he sent me here, so I am like his avatar, lolz.46 I r a Lite, so peoplez who beleeve me no can has darkness.47 If peoplez heer teh stuff I say, but no payz attenshun to me, it r not my problem. Judging kittehs r not my job. I r just here to save teh werld.48 But any kitteh who tinks I am teh suxors gets judged as a bad kitteh, cuz I r givin him a veree bad revyoo at teh end of teh werld.49 That iz cuz I don't make a dis stuff up, or do dis stuff all by myself. I just sayz wat Ceiling Cat tells me to.50 An I know dat everthing Ceiling Cat says is ver important if u r gonna live for evah in teh Ceiling wit Ceiling Cat. So I only say exactly wat Ceiling Cat says. Srsly."

John 12
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