John 13

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New Testament

Jebus washes his dissypels feets

1 It wuz just befor de feast uv Passovr. Jebus knowd dat soon he wuz goinz to go c hiz daddy, Ceiling Cat (by beinz ded). Sinz he lovd all de spesial kittehs dat he knowd, Jebus wuz naow goinz to show dem dat he lovd dem LOTS!!1!
2 Naow it wuz timez for suppr, an de debil had alreddy goned to Judas (Simon Iscariot's sun) an was all liek "BETRAY JEBUS!!1!"3 Jebus knowd dat Ceiling Cat wuz uber powrfullz n dat he had comed frum Ceiling Cat an wuz goinz bak to Ceiling Cat4 so he stooded up an left hiz dinnrz, an tookded off hiz clothez, an rapped a towel arownd hiz waist.5 Den he startedz washinz hiz dissypels feets, an drieded dere feetz wid de towl dat wuz rapped around hiz waist.
6 He camez to Peter (who wuz reely named Simon but Jebus calleded him Peter) an Peter sed "OMG iz u r washinz my feets?!?"
7 An Jebus sed "u dont understanz y I am doinz dis, but laterz u goinz to be all liek 'OHH... I getz it naow'"
8 "NO!" sed Peter (he wuz verree upset n confoosed) "U no can haz washes my feets EVAR!!1!"
Jebus was all liek "I am goinz to washez ur feets an ur goinz to liek it or u NO can haz hang owt wid me no more!"
9 Peter den wuz all liek "Nevermind, OK u can haz wash my feets... an also my hands an my hed, too, if u want kthx."
10 Jebus sed "any kitteh dat groomz hisself only needz hiz feets washed so he can haz be cleen all ovr. U iz cleen, but not all my dissypels iz cleen as u."11 (Cuz he knowd dat Judaz wuz goinz to btray him, an dis wuz hiz way of sayinz it.)
12 So wen Jebus wuz dun washinz evrywunz feets, an had putd hiz clothez on agen, he sed "doez u kittehz understanz y I r doin dat?13 U r call me teecher an Lord, an dat is rite cuz I r ur teecher an Lord.14 So if I (ur teecher an Lord) iz washinz ur feets, den u shood all be washin eech otherz feets all de timez.15 Cuz I r setting a good xample.16 But I r telling u, Srsly, dis duz not mean dat servants iz better dan lords.17 An if u understands all dis, an u r doins wat I say, u r goin to be happy cats, an haz many cheezburgrs.18 Xept I dont meanz all of u. Cuz I know wat kittehs I have chosed fur my dissypels, but becuz de scripchers say so, wun uv u is goinz to kik me down.19 I r tellin u dis naow so dat when it happens, u will all be liek "OMG he wuz totally de son of Ceiling Cat cuz he knowded stuff!!"20 I r tellin u, Srsly, any kitteh who welcums me into his hart r goinz to reseeve me in hiz hart, an also Ceiling Cat."
21 Wen Jebus wuz dun talkinz, he wuz all upsets n stuff, an sed "Srsly! Wun uv u kittehs is goinz to giv me up to teh bad peoplez!!1! Srsly!!"
22 De dissypels lookded at eech other but dey wuz all confoosed n stuff, an did not get who Jebus wuz talkin about.23 Dere wuz wun dissypel dat Jebus reelly luved lots an dis dissypel wuz cuddlin on Jebus's lap an purrinz.24 So Simon Peter lookded at dat dissypel an maded gestchers to get him to ask Jebus who he wuz talkins about.25 So dat dissypel cuddled closer to Jebus n said "Wat u talkin about, Lord?"
26 Jebus sed, "I r talkins bout de kitteh dat I am goinz to give dis cookie to, after I haz dippded it in teh milk." So after he had dippded teh cookie in teh milk, he giveded it to Judas.27 Den Judas eated teh cookie, an den Basement Cat went into Judas thru teh cookie an makded him feel even more wikeds. Jebus den was all liek "If u r goinz to do it, den go DO IT! An be quick-quick!!1!"28 An all teh dissypels wuz all confoosed, an wuz liek "WTF??!"29 An dey thoughted dat mebbe Jebus wuz tellins Judas to maybe go an buy more foods for teh Passovr party, or mebbe tellin him to go an give cheezburgrs to teh poor. Cuz Judas always hadded moneyz. (An Jebus wuz all like *facepalm*)
30 So after Judas eated teh cookie, he went away veree quick, an it wuz all dark n stuff outside.
31 Wen Judas wuz gone, Jebus sed "Naow Man's Kitteh r goinz to be all glorifieded n stuff, and it r goinz to make Ceiling Cat look reelly good, an also glorius.32 An if Ceiling Cat looks good, Man's Kitteh will look good, an Ceiling Cat will give him many cheezburgrs.33 Naow, little kittehs, I r only goinz to be arownd only a short little timez. U r is goinz to be all liek "Jebus, whar u did go?" an I r tellin u, liek I tolded teh Joos, u r not goinz to findz me cuz u cant go whar I r goinz.34 You can haz new commandmint: u must all luvs eech otherz liek I luvs u.35 Den all teh other kittehs will no dat u iz my dissypels cuz u will all luv eech other n stuff."
36 Den Simon Peter wuz all liek "Lord, whar u r go??"
An Jebus sed "I r go u can not followz me. Until laterz."
37 An Peter sed "Y not naow? I wood liek totally die fur u, Jebus!"
38 Jebus sed "Wood u? Wood u REELY? Bfor a rooster gose cock-a-doodle-doo, u r goinz to pretend dat u dont eben no me TREE TIMEZ. Srsly."

John 13
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