John 19

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New Testament


Teh Soldjer Teez Jebubs n Makez him Sads

1 So den Pilate tookded Jebus and hittd him many timez wid a wip.2 An teh soldjers wuz makinz fun of him. Dey tookded alot of veree painfl thorns, an twisted dem to mak a crown, n dey puttd teh crown on hiz poor hed. An dey also puttd a purpl cloke on him.3 Den dey teezed him, callinz him "King" and dey wuz all liek "King of teh Joos! King of teh Joos! May u liv long n prospr... NOT!" an dey slappd poor Jebus liek he wuz a bad kitteh.
4 Den Pilate went owt n sed "Joos, I r bingin Jebus owt to u, cuz I dont see dat he wuz such a bad kitteh."5 So Jebus caym owt, wearing teh painfl thorny crown n purpl cloke n Pilate sed, "Dis is teh kitteh, see?"6 Wen all teh hi preests n gards seed him, dey was all liek "Nail him up! Nail him up!" So Pilate sed "U can haz do it urselvs, den, cuz I dunt see wut dis kitteh has didded rong."

Pilate r givin teh desision to teh Joos

7 Teh Joos sed, "He r saying dat he r sun of Ceiling Cat, and dis is agenst our law, an teh law sayz dat he shood be maded ded."
8 Wen Pilate hearded dem say dis, he wuz eben more scareded den bfore.9 He wented back into teh Hall of Jujmint, an askded Jebus "War u is frum? WTF wid dis stuff u say bout comin from teh Ceiling Cat?" But Jebus was all silent-cat.10 So Pilate wuz all liek "Y u r not speak to me? U r in my power, waitins for my jujmint."
11 Jebus replyd, "U iz only havin dis powr becuz u wuz givin dis pwr frum above. Becuz of dat, teh giult n invisibl erer of teh kitteh dat btrayd me is more worse."
12 Wen Pilate hearded dis, he was all liek "Awwwww!" an he reely wanted to let Jebus go free. But all teh time, teh Joos wuz shoutins, "OMG, If u r let dis kitteh go, u r in big trubble wid Ceesar! Jebus r sayin he r a King, an dat is treesin agenst Ceesar!!1!"
13 So insted Pilate led Jebus owt n maded him sit on teh seat of Jujmint, callded teh Pavmint (only dey callded it Gabbatha in Hebrew but we call it teh Pavmint cuz Gabbatha iz hard 2 say).14 It wuz Passovr, an about lunch timez. Pilate sed "Joos, here r ur King!"15 But dey all was liek "No wants! No wants! Croosify him!"
Pilate sed to dem "U r want I croosify ur King?" an de hed preests all sed dat dey hadded no knig xept fur Ceesar, adn tat ohtr knigs not Cessar r rlly, rlly suck. Srsly.

16 So Pilate givd Jebus up to dem, so he coud be croosified.

Teh King iz on Teh Cross

17 So dey tookded Jebus away. Dey maded him carree hiz own cross, an it wuz all heavy n stuff. Dey maded him take it to a place dey calld Golgotha in Hebrew, but we r callin it teh Place of Teh Skull, cuz it soundz scarier an iz maded of shorter werds.
18 Dere, in dat place, dey croosified him. An dere wuz two other peoples dat dey croosified wit him, eech on his own cross on eether side of Jebus, who wuz naild to teh middel cross.
19 An Pilate hungd a sine on Jebus's cross. An teh sine sed


20 lots of Joos saw dis sine, cuz dis place wuz neer teh city, an also Pilate had wroted it in Hebrew n Greek n Latin, so lots of kittehs cood understandz it.21 Dat's y teh hi preests sed to Pilate "Y u iz writinz Knig of teh Joos? He r not Knig! U shood rite dat he SED he wuz king, but reely wuz lyinz."
22 Pilate just answrd, "I rote wat I rote."(and he did, srsly)
23 After dey had croosified Jebus, teh soldjers tookded his clothes an each soldjer gotted a part of dem. But Jebus's tunik wuz verry nice, n maded all of wun pees of cloth.24 So teh soldjers sed dey wood play eenie meenie minie mo for teh tunik, to see who wood b gettin it. An so teh psalm 22 wuz rite, wen it sed

dey iz liek "I get hiz clothez!"

An dat's y teh soldjers did dat.

Look, der is ur new mudder

25 Standinz by teh cross, watchins Jebus die, wuz Jebus's mudder, n his mudder's sister, n Mary Magdalene.26 An wen Jebus lookded down, n saw his most favoritest dissypel dat he luvd mostest standinz neer hiz mudder, he sed to his mudder, "Woman, behold teh Kittums!"27 An he sed to his dissypel, "Look, der is ur new mudder. Srsly." And from den on, dose too peoples livded togedders.

Teh Passions
It r finished

28 Naow dat Jebus knowd dat his werk wuz done, so dat teh scripchers wood turn owt rite, he sed "I r so thirsty... I can haz milk plz?"29 Der wuz a bottel of sowr milk dere, n teh meen peoplez dippded a spunge into it, an dey held teh spunge to Jebus's mout.30 Wen Jebus tasted dat sowr milk, he sed "it r finished" an he hung hiz hed, and he givded up hiz spirit.

Jebus r stabbed in teh side

31 Teh Joos wuz wantinz Pilate to to mak teh soldjers brake teh legs of teh peoplez on teh cross, so dat dey wood die fasters. Dis wuz becuz it wuz almost der sabbith, an it wood be bad for teh bodies to be all hanginz up on teh cross on teh sabbith.32 So teh soljers camed an brokded teh legs of teh other two peoplez on teh crosses, so dey wood be dyinz faster.33 But wen dey saw dat Jebus wuz alreddy ded, dey wuz all liek "OMG!" an dey did not brakded his legs.34 But wun of teh soldjers did stab his side wit a speer, an all dis blood n stuff camed owt of Jebus.35 An u can beleev dat dis wuz tru, cuz a kitteh dat wuz der says so.36 Dese tings dat happened wuz just liek teh scripchers say, wen dey say

He r not have breakded bones
37 and
Dey stabbded him n naow dey look at him

Jebus is baried in teh shoobox of Joseph

38 Wen all dis wuz ovr, Joseph of Arimathea (who wuz a homie of Jebus but was scarded of teh other Joos) secretly went to Pilate all stelthy-liek an sed "I can haz Jebus's body?" and Pilate sed yes. So he tookded away teh body of Jebus.39 An Nicodemus (who first camed to Jebus at nite) camed too an broughted, liek, a hunderd pownds of spices.40 Den dey tookded teh body of Jebus n dey rapped it in teh spices an nise papr towles (cuz dis is wut teh Joos lieked to do to deyr ded kittehs).41 Neer teh plase war he wuz croosified, der wuz a pretty garden, wit lotsa catnips n stuff, an a new an shiny shoobox, wit no other boddees dere yet.42 An so, becuz it wuz close, an cuz it of teh Jooish day of Preparashun, dey wuz in dat shoobox, barrying Jebus.

John 19
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