John 7

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New Testament


Jesus vizitz Cheezburgr picnic uv Tabernacles

1 So Jesus waz liek go to Galalee b/c lolcats do not want in Judea.2 It can waz be festavul tiem thare in teh Judea3 So Jesus waz liek "OK guyz u go f'real.4 Jesus waz liek "no invisible bikes, tell da world so day know bout joo."5 (Hiz brotherz waz liek ya right Jesus.)

6 So n e wai, Jesus waz liek "not my time yet, but it alwayz can be ur time.7 lolcats no liek me, but day liek u.8 U go, I stay home and play WoW or sumthin." De disciples waz liek "wtf u nerd."9 But Jesus sed diz and stayed in teh galilee.

10 OK So Jesus cat's brudders go ta fastivul, and den Jesus go but he go on an invisible bike so he secret.11 Teh Jue-ish leederz waz liek "Ware he go?"

12 In teh crowd day was like "we liek, he haz flavor" and others waz liek "do not want."13 But dey all talk in secret b/c jew leederz no want.

Jesus teechez at teh picnic

14 so teh festivul is almost overs when Jesus start talkings.15 teh jew leaderz iz liek "wtf? he no go to skool but he still smartcat!"

16 Jesus waz liek "I dun teech my own stuffs. I teech Ceiling Cat's teechingz.17 U duz wat Ceiling Cat wants and then u no I come from teh Ceiling Cat.18 U talk on own authoritai and joo haz greedz. Jo want gloree for teh Ceiling Cat and u be onnest.19 Moses cat gived u law 4 reezon. Y u no obay teh law? Y u want kill me?"

20 teh crowd was liek "U haz demonz! Who tries to keel j00?"

21 Jesus was liek "I does 1 miracul and u all is liek 'wtf.'22 Moses was liek 'circumsize' so u does circumsize on caturday.23 If u circumsizes on caturday, y u haz mad I heelz lolcats on caturday?24 U judje by external standurds. Stop beeing nub and judge by internals. srsly."

Iz Jesus reely Christ?

25 So sum of teh lolcats in Jerusalem waz liek "Hey teh authoriteez want dat cat in bucket!26 srsly! He talks to other lolcats in publik and nobody puts him in buckit! He really is haz be messiah?27 Wait no wai. No1 knows ware messiah from. we no ware dis lolcat from."

28 But den Jesus liek "no wai n00bs! u dun know me! I come on Ceiling Cat's authority! U no know Ceiling Cat,29 but I know Ceiling cat. I come from hiz hole and he send me to watch u masturbates."

30 Then dey waz liek try to put him in bucket but it no work because was no hiz time.31 But some lolcats waz liek "omg he perform more miracles den teh messiah maybe!"

32 so liek teh Fairsees are liek hear teh crowd whispers and dey liek send guards go puts Jebus in a bucket.

33 Jesus like "gtg soon guyz parents sry."34 He liek "U looks 4 meh but cant find meh b/c I iz somewarez u cant come so there.

35 Teh Pharisees is liek "OMG where he going 2? Greek? He teech Greekz?36 He sez we looks but no findz. What dat mean? Pharisee cats confoozled.

37 So Jesus at a festval and he liek "hey u thirsty come drink38 b/c I haz flavor. Scripturz sez streams of water flow from his sidez."39 Jesus sez u want, u drinkz, u do not want, u do not drink. But rite then Jesus no had water 2 giev b/c Jesus no was rized to glory.

40 lolcats in de crowd waz liek "OMG he'z teh profit!"

41 other lolcats waz liek "no wai! he teh Chozen Wan!" but then other lolcats was liek "no wai! messiuh no comez from Galilee!42 he comez from teh Bethlehem b/c dat ware David from. nubs."43 So srsly was lotz of divizion and no sharing of cheezburgers in crowd.44 some lolcats was liek "put him in bucket!" but no one dun it.

Jewish bosscatz doan bleef

45 So teh guards came back and teh Pharisees was liek "WTF! He not in bucket!"

46 And teh guards was liek "he talk differents from teh others!"

47 the Pharisees was like "nubs! u get trixed too?"48 "srsly guys. We no beleeve him. U must no beleeve him!49 just cuz dese lolcats DO NOT WANT teh law, Ceiling Cat hatez dem!"

50 But a Pharisee called Nicodemus waz like had gone to see teh Jesus. He waz liek51 "Guyz wait! We no can condemn b4 trial."

52 But de othur Pharisees waz liek "U nub. No profits from Galilee."

John 7
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