Jonah 1

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Old Testament
Ceiling Cat sends a storm.

1 Won tiem, Ceiling Cat sez to Jonah,2 "Chu goes to Nineveh. Tellz tehm, Ceiling Cat sez "Ohai, seed what you did tehre. DO NOT WANT! Doom on yz! kthnxbai"3 But Jonah packs hiz bukkits and fleas to Joppa and bye tikkits to Spain.

4 Tehn Ceiling Cat haz maked wind, and maked a sobad storm cam up. Teh ROFLcopter was nrly broken to pieces.5 Teh sailors wuz fraidys.Tehy all skeered and preying to inbisible manz coz kittahs is not liek to get wet. Tehy even tossn tehy cookies overbrd for bettar floating. All tihs tiem, Jonah iz loafin, nsez "Five moar minitsplz".6 Teh ROFLcaptin iz sez, "excuze me. wat youse iz sleeping foar? Get up and pray to your inbisible man u wuz tellin us about! Prabs he will not ded us. Maybe he sends uz safe to ar forevar home."

7 Teh sailors aks tehyr inbisuble mans who started it. srsly. And theyr inbisible mans pwnz Jonah. Then tehy makez a gang and cmmence to pokin' Jonah, cuz it hiz fault.8 They akses him, " Y U R starting tihs? Hu maked winds? is not sew grate akshully. Is yu in teh seawrker union? Where iz yr cheezburger? Who are yr forevar fambly?"9 Jonah sez, "Oh hai. Is okay. sry I skare yu. I haz harbl, and Ceiling Cat wat cerated heav'n n urfs n stuff and not eated it, is mai homeboi."10 Tehn, tehy start cryn and houlin, cuz Jonah already teld them hiz camoflage iz not werkin. Tehn they sez, "orly? Ceiling Cat is knows all and seez all. U broked it. srsly."

11 Teh storm kept waving. Iz microwave, then mexican wave.12 Jonah sez "Rsistnce iz fewtile. Biff me in teh sea, ocean can pwnzd kittah. Is mai fault. sry."13 But Michael triez to row teh boat to shore. He is phail, and teh storm iz getting worsnwors.14 So tehy preyed to Ceiling Cat, "wait. no! plz don't drowns uz, cuz cats dusn't lieks to get wet. DO NOT WANT. plsthnxbai."15 Tehn they toss Jonah into teh waterz, and teh sea iz calmed down liek on ritlin. srsly.16 Teh sailors iz so skeered they makes offrings of catnips and cheezeburgers and loots in bukkits for Ceiling Cat.17 Ceiling Cat maeked a LOLrus to eated Jonah, and Jonah iz in yr fishie making yr sushis for three days and three nights.

Jonah 1
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