Judges 3

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Old Testament


Ceiling Cat wantz teh j00s 2 kick ass

1 Dis is teh list of teh placez teh Ceiling Cat left 4 teh j00s so dey cood l2p if dey no had fott warz b4.2 (He do dis so teh j00s is can stil kix ass)3 Teh 5 Filistinez, teh canenites teh sidonians and hekka mor. You wantz to maek list, ok, but Ceiling cat biseh.4 Ceiling Cat not pwn thez ppls so he can test teh j00s, to c if they was gud nuf to do his stuf.

5 Teh j00s livd wid all thez ppl.6 Teh boi-j00s was havvin sexxx0rs wit da not-j00-gurls, and teh gurl-j00s was sexx0rzing with teh not-j00-bois. Werst of al, teh j00s wer make pretend othr ppls gods wer leik Ceiling Cat.

Othniel be funneh naem, but he can has laser i's

7 Teh j00s did bad stuf to Ceiling Cat. They forgotted him N maeked warships to othrz.8 Cause of dis, Ceiling Cat waz leik "Screw u guyz" and he solded dem to Cushan-Rishathaim king of Aram Naharaim, which is hekka funneh naem, more funnyz dan Othniel, who is dis othr guy we iz bout 2 tokk bout. Oh hai, sry, iz distracted.9 Cushan-d00d ruled teh j00z for leik 8 yrs. This maeked teh j00s sad, so dey tokk to Ceiling Cat and sez "Oh noes! Sry! Helps us plz. Kthnxbye." Teh Ceiling Cat teld Othniel (teh other funny-naem guy) to be helpin dem.10 Ceiling Cat givd Othniel hiz awsum laser eyes so Othniel cood kick ass of teh 1st funneh-naem guy. Aftar he killt him, he bcum teh bosscat of all teh j00z.11 He waz bosscat 4 leik forty yrs til he dyd. OH NOES!

OMG Ehud is teh bestest j00 evar

12 But aftar dis teh j00s was bad gain so Ceiling Cat givd dem 2 Eglon.13 Eglon had lotsa frends, even tho he waz a bad d00d. Hiz frendz be helpen him taek all the j00s.14 He was teh boss for 18 yrs.

15 Agen teh j00s was liek "Oh noes! Sry!" and cuz Ceiling Cat is nise he is save dem gain. He sendz Ehud hoo is left-handed 2 Eglon as slaev.16 B4 this, Ehud had maeked a sword, but he no ated it. Instead, he hided it in his pantz. Invisible sword!17 OMG Eglon was rly fatzors!!!1!! Roflcopter.18 Ehud gived Eglon a presnt he no had ated. Then he sended all his ppls way.19 Den 2 teh king he was liek "Oh, hai! I also has sikrit letr 4 u." Teh king was leik "All teh pplz leavz cept us."

20 Ehud told teh k1ng he had sikrit letr from Ceiling Cat. Eglon stooded up, wich was hard cuz he waz so fatz.21 Ehud taeked out hiz sword and stabd teh king. OMGWTF!!22 Teh sword went all teh way thru Eglon, even teh handlez. Even tho it was a rly nice sword, Ehud just left it ther cuz the fat covrd it up like it ated it. It wuz gros.23 Then Ehud was leik "kthxbye" and he left, but cuz he was smartz he lokt the dor.

24 Then the kings d00ds caem bak but cuz the dor wuz lokt they thot he was makin poops.25 They waited fur long tiem, but ventually got borded and opend teh dor wit kee, and saw teh ded king.

26 Too l8, lol. Ehud had alreddy scaped!27 Nexxt he got to be teh king, cuz he killd teh fat 1.

28 Then he told teh j00s to get wepns and kill all teh not-j00s, and dey do dis cuz Ehud was rly cool.29 They killd tenthousnd buff d00ds.30 Then teh j00s got to b in charg of teh other d00ds.

Dis other guy Shamgar is cool 2, so we tokk bout him, k?

31 He killed leik 600 pplz with a stik. He wuz cool

Judges 3
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