Luke 24

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New Testament
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Jesus comz bak

1 Teh ladiez taked sum catnip to Jesus's tomb. Thatz whear he wuz putted when he kinda ded.2 Teh stone in front of it had bin movded, witch iz weird cuz it iz so big and stuff.3 but when dey wented in hes bodi wented somewhere else, prolly cuz someone liked it an took it home.4 Dey wuz kinda confuzed but gud fer dem dese two birdkatz showd up. Dere clothz wuz shini liek lietnin witch iznt gud cuz itz so loud.5 Teh ladiez wuz all scareded but teh birdkatz wuz liek "Why look for livin kat in teh plaec whaer jus dead katz iz keeped, LOL.6 He iznt here, he wuz bored so left! He did told u he gunna leaf if get board!!11!7 He wuz liek 'I iz gonna get found by teh guyz that make me reallies reallies wet, lik under waterz wetz, an put on two big stiks an com bak after 3 dayz cuz 4 daiz to long to sit in cavez.' Yea, wez not sur why hez wantz do al dat etherz, mebee for fun? "8 Den teh ladiez thinked hard bout stuff he sayed an dey wuz liek "Oh, We forgotted LOL."

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9 When dey gotted bak dey telld all dis to sum guyz dat didnt left:10 Mary Magdalene who wuz lik totally hot on Jesuz whoa, Joanna, Mary who wuz Jezuz's old mom (hiz fadder waz actually Ceiling Kat!), an the ladiez who wuz wif dem tellded teh stori about Jezuz Kat wak up.11 But teh apoclypsez wuz liek "STFU" an didint beleev dem.12 Peter at leest wented to teh tomb witch wuz a hold in teh wall. He saw peaces ef yarn dat Jezus Kat did got tangleds up in real bad an he wuz liek "WTF?"

Goin to Emmaus

13 Dat day a coupl of teh follorz wuz goin to Emmaus wich iz diz place somewere.14 An talkin about whut had jus happnd wich iz dat JezuzKat wuz sleepin fur long time now, wich make senze they talk bout dat cuz they not have TV or Intertubez too watch.15 Whiel dey wuz talkin Jesus comd up, witch he cud do cuz he not sleepin on da two big stiks no more, but he look diffrent frum befour cuz he felt lik bein tricksie so they think he jus sum uther guy, like Gandalf in LOTR LOL.

17 He wuz liek "How iz yu gentlemenz? WHAT HAPPEN?!?"
 Dey got all sad in da face.
18 Wun of dem - hiz naem wuz Cleopas, but dat not imporant - wuz all "Were U bin, in sum hole in da ground? Bcz u doant know what happen? Someonez set Uz up da bomb."

19 "What yu sai?" sed Jesus.
 "Liek dere waz dis d00d Jesus," dey sed.
20 "Dey killded him on too big stiks.21 an we wuz hopin he wud saev dis hole big cuntry we in. Suprize dow, dey killded him real ded three dayz ago!22 Plus dis mornin sum of teh ladiez wented to teh big hole.23 Dey didn't finded hiz bodi but dey sez dere wuz birdkatz in a hole sayin he wuz not really ded fur al time, jus short time cuz it not realie dat fun.24 Sum of our frendz wented to teh big hidey hole. It not haz any ded stuff in it but dere wuzint enni birdkatz dere ether."

25 Jesus wuz liek "Foolz u iz actin liek n00bz that kries.26 Itz not liek Jesus didint explaen all dis whiel he wuz here."27 So he tellded em stuff frum in teh Bible, wich is diz book, stuff from teh beginnin, wich waz lotz of talkin. Dey stil didint know who he wuz k. Meybe diz cuz dey stoopid az dogz. Mebbe not.

28 When dey gotted near Emmaus, witch wuz dat place, he pritendid he wuz goin farthr.29 But dey wuz all liek "Itz dark which iz SCARY, u can stai wif us PLZ." So he did.

30 When dey hadded dinnr he taked teh cookies an sed "Thank yu Ceiling Cat" an gived dem to evribodi.31 Den dey see hez not jus sum guy, he Jezuz Kat! Dey sey "ITZ YU!!". So he move "ZIG" like Ceiling Cat lazerz an iz gone LOL.32 Dey wuz all lookin fur he undur dat table like "WTF?"

33 Dey wented straet bak to Jerusalem, wich iz da big citee, to teh othr katz34 an wuz liek "Itz true! Jesus Kat iz aliev an Simon seed him wit hiz eyes."35 Dey tellded what had happnd, witch waz lots uf stuf dat waz sayed befor, so jus think uf dat stuff said one mor time.

36 OK so de apoceclipse iz together, and Jesus Kat is poof appear liek lazerz and sed "Peaz."37 They is all liek "hax!"38 Jesus iz liek "wtf nubs is me."39 Disciplines is liek "o rly!" and Jesus is liek "ya rly."40 Jesus is liek "srlsly guys. Stil me even if Iz gots wholes in handz and feetz.41 Dey still not get it, so Jesus is liek "It can haz be food times now?"42 Teh Apostasis is liek "here haz fish"43 Jesus is like "kkthx" and eated teh fish. Thiz time he not makez lots of fishes an bread fer sandwhichez prolly cuz dere not enuff mayo.44 Jesus is liek "nubs I told joo. it was writed."45 Den Jesus is liek "I open ur minds."46 Jesus is liek "srsly. That book sed teh rescuer, which iz me guyz!! gets hurtz lotz and standz up even thoug ded."47 "Also go tell guyz bout peas with mah namez." They look all confuz by dis, cuz peaz really small.48 He is liek "u r all being teh witnesses, witch meanz guyz dat lookz at stuff." They did caz dey haf eyez.49 He is liek "I haz presents, but joo needs 2 waits." They al wish he givez presents!!1one!! rite now, but he not.50 Den teh Jesus is liek "come out to Bethany" wich wuz a gurl cuz Bethany iz a gurlz name and he is liek "blessins on joo".51 Wile he blesses he is liek go to heaven. Mebbe he fly liek birdkatz, meybe not, but hez all gone. srsly.52 The apostrophies is liek "praise jebus" and goes back to Jerusalems, unlez they alredy waz.53 Then dey is all liek in teh templez, praisin Ceiling Cat, witch iz gud cuz else he can shoots lazerz frum up above.

Luke 24
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