Luke 7

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New Testament


Teh Fayeth ob da Centurion

1 Wen Jebus wuz dun talkin he goed to Cappernam.2 A dood tehre had a spensive minnyon whoz all sik an gunna die an teh dood wuz liek "oh noes!"3 So wen he herd abt Jebus he sent sum old doodz to say "Halp plz cum save mah minnyon!"4 So teh old ppl goed an sed to Jebus, "Tihs dood is gud guy5 an builded us a sinnygog an luvs us so halp plz."

6 So Jebus goed. Wen Jebus wuz almst thr teh dood wuz liek "no mah base iznt gud enuf so u stays tehre k.7 Iz not kewl enuf to cum find u but plz halp mah minnyon k?8 Cuz I gets teh orderz an I gives teh orderz an ppl doez wut I says."

9 Jebus wuz liek "no wai!" an he sed to teh ppls followin him, "Iz tellin u even in Israyel I no has seen taht big fayeth."10 Wen teh doodz frenz goed bak to teh base tehy seen teh minnyon was all better.

Jebus Raises a Dead Box Kitteh

11 Ltr, Jebus goed to Nain, an hiz minnyons and lotz o doodz went wit him.12 When he got to da base, he seed a box kitteh that wuz dead--the only kitteh of his mom, and her husbin wuz dead too. And lotz o doodz frum da base wuz wit her.13 When Jebus seed her, he was liek "Oh noes, dunt cry laydee!"

14 Then he goed and touched teh dead kitteh's box, and the guyz that wuz carryin it were like, "Dood!" Jebus sed, "Kitteh, I say to you, get up!"15 The dead kitteh sat up and said, "I can haz cheezburgr?", and Jebus gived him back to hiz mom, and she wuz all happy an stuff.

16 Teh hole base wuz all amazed and said "Ceiling Cat is da bomb! Jebus is so kewl! Kthxbai."17 And lotz more ppl heard abt Jebus bcuz they wanted him to raiz their dead kittehs too.

Jebus and John the Baptist

18 John's doodz told him about all the kewl stuff Jebus wuz doing. John called two doodz,19 an sent them to Jebus to ask, "You is teh Ceiling Cat guy we heared abut, or iz sum1 else?"

20 Wen teh doodz came to Jebus, they said, "John teh Baptist telled us to ask, You is teh Ceiling Cat guy we heared abut, or iz sum1 else?"

21 Jebus wuz busy fixin sick ppl and demon kittehs an stuff.22 So he sayed to teh doodz, "Go back and tell John abut all teh stuff I am doin an how evrbody iz talkin abut me.23 A guy who duz not fail on account of me gets cheezburgrs."

24 After Johns doodz left, Jebus talked to teh crown about John and wuz teasing them and stuff: "Why you did go way out to teh desert? To watch teh grass bein mowed?25 Or a supermodel posing for Playkitteh? No, supermodels are too kewl to hang out wit you.26 But wut did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet.27 This is the dood ppl writed about: 'I will send a guy ahed of you, who will shovel teh snow b4 you getz there so you dunt fall down and stuff, kthxbai.'28 I tellz you, John iz da bomb, but even a noob iz greater den him."

29 (All da ppl, even teh IRS doodz, wen tey heard Jebus talking, said Ceiling Cat wuz right, bcuz they had been baptized by John.30 But teh pharsies an loyers who didun want John to dunk tehm undr teh water rejected Ceiling Cat and tehy won't get any cheezburgrs.)

31 "Wut are teh ppl here like?32 Tehy is like kittehs who are doin cute stuff an no one is sayin they are cute, and getz all emo bcuz no one is sayin they are cute.33 For John came an didun want cookies, an you say, 'He can haz demon.'34 An Jebus came an maked cookies for evrbody, an you say, 'Here is a fat kitteh an guy who helps noobs.'35 But Ceiling Cat is watchin uz masterbatez. LOL.

Jebus Anointed By a Bad Kitteh

36 A pharsie sed "Hay u can come haz cheezburger" so Jebus did.37 A bad kitteh herd he wuz tehre so she cam with cookies,38 an gived him cookies and didn't eated them, an she lickded his fur all clean an stuff.

39 Pharsie wuz liek, "wtf ur no smrt, she gotz invisible errors an ur lettin her clean ur fur."40 Jebus sed, "Simon, I haz sumtin to say to u." "Wut iz it?"

41 "2 ppl owez a dood sum cheezburgers. 1 owez 500 an otehr owez 50.42 Bcuz tehy both no has cheezburgers, dood sez ok wahtever nm kthxbai. So which 1 luvz teh dood moer nao?"

43 Simon sed, "1 who owez more cheezburgers." Jebus sed, "ya rly."44 Tehn he wuz liek, "do u see tihs womin? wen I cum here u dint clean my fur but she did.45 U dint givez me cookies, but she givez me lotz of cookies and didn't eated tehm.46 U dint doez scratchies bhind my ear, but she doez.47 So I sez to u, she no has invisible errors now, so she luv lots. Sum1 who dint haev big sinz not luv lots."

48 Jebus sed to her, "U had invisible errors but wahtever nm kthxbai."

49 Everbudy wuz liek "omg who is tihs guy taht sez nm invisible errors?"

50 But he sed to her, "Ur fayeth savez u kthxbai."

Luke 7
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