Mark 13

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New Testament

1 Az he went out of the temple, one ov hiz d00dz sayd, JC, l00k at teh fancy buildinz!

2 N Jesus sayd unto him, They r gonna get smashed, srsly.

3 N az he sat on teh mount of Olives over against teh temple, Peter n James n John n Andrew asked him,

4 Hay when r u smashin teh buildinz? What iz gonna be teh sign?

5 And Jesus sayd, Watch out or ur gonna get tricked:

6 D00dz r gonna be all "Hey I iz Christ!" and trick some peoplez.

7 Ur gonna hear of warz an roomurz ov warz, dun be skeert: 4 stuff happenz; but iz not game over yet k?

8 4 Nashun shall rize against nation, n kingdom against kingdom: n thar shall be earthquakez in divers placez (skeery!), n thar shall be faminez n troublez: theez r teh birth pains, no flesh iz spared.

9 But take heed 2 urselves: 4 they shall delivr u up to councilz; and n teh synagogues u shall be beaten: n ur gonna be brought be4 rulerz an kingz for my sake, 4 testimony against them.

10 N teh gospel must first be published among all nashuns, even lolcats k.

11 But when they lead u, n delivr u up, dun worry what ur gonna say, n don't think: but whatevr u get n ur hed, say that: cuz ur not talkin, Spooky Cat iz.

12 Now teh brother iz gonna slay teh brother, n teh father teh son; n kidz shall rize up against their ownerz, n get em killed.

13 N ur gonna be hated for bein my d00dz: but stick it out, n ur gonna be saved k?

14 But when u see teh abomination ov desolation, spoken ov by Daniel the psychic d00d, standin where it'z not allowed, (r u listenin?) then let them that r n Judaea flee to teh mountainz:

15 If ur on ur roof, don' go in ur house, and don' get ur stuff:

16 An if ur n teh field don't go back for ur jacket.

17 But woe 2 u that haz child, and 2 u that givez suck n thoze dayz!

18 N pray that ur flight iz not n winter.

19 4 n thoze days shall be worst diseasez evar!

20 N unless Ceiling Cat shortens thoze dayz, no flesh will be spared: unless ur one ov my d00dz.

21 An then if any d00d sayz "Hay! Here iz Christ" or, "Hay! There he iz!" don' listen k:

22 4 fake Christs and fake psychic d00dz shall rize, and do spellz to trick peoples, maybe even my d00dz.

23 Listen k, I told u this stuff be4.

24 In thoze days, after the skeery timez, the sun n moon r gonna go dark.

25 Starz r gonna fall n Heaven iz gonna shake.

26 Ur gonna see me in teh cloudz with great power n glory.

27 I'm gonna send mah angelz n gather my d00dz from the 4 windz n teh whole sky.

28 Learn from teh fig tree, when teh branch iz tender n putz out leaves, u know summer iz near.

29 When u see teh signz, u know itz gonna happen soon.

30 Srsly, this generashun iz not gonna pass til teh skeery stuff happenz.

31 Heaven n earth will pass away but not my wordz.

32 Nobody knowz when itz gonna happen, not u or u either. Not teh angelz or even me, just Ceiling Cat.

33 L00k out, watch n pray, cuz u dunno what time itz comin.

34 4 teh Son ov Man iz like a man who took a long trip, who left hiz house n left his servantz n charge, n every man 2 hiz work, n told hiz porter 2 watch.

35 So watch k, cuz u dunno when teh master ov teh house iz comin, at evenin or midnight or dawn or teh mornin.

36 U don' want him 2 find u sleepin, srsly.

37 I say 2 u and 2 everybody, watch.

Mark 13
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