Mark 14

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New Testament

Mark 14


Happy Cat getz katnipsed at Bethany

1 Nao itz two dayses til cheezbrgr feest of Passovers and Unlevennseded Kibls, an soopr relijinkittehs an teh lawkats ar tryin for find speshul sly sekrt sneeky wai of catnap Happy Cat an pwnzor himz.2 "Wez cant pwnzor Happy Cat wen its cheezbrgr feest," they sayz, "or teh peeps wil say 'DO NOT WANT!'"3 OK, Happy Cat ar in Bethany, he ar layin bai fud tabl at hous of d00d naemd Simon teh Leper (leperd iz kinduv cat LOL he wuz kitteh!!!), womnkitteh coms wif bag of uber1337 roxxorz katnips, maed frm pyur nard (LOL nard is frm HARBL GOES WHERE!!). Womnkitteh broek teh bag an porr teh katnipz on Happy Cat an his hed an eers an noes.

4 Happy Cat peepz ar pissd an ar sayn, "WTF wy shez can wayst katnips?5 Katnips can b solded for lotz of ca$h so homless kittehs can has cheezbrgrs." An dey is bein meens to hers.

6 "ZOMG chilz n00bs!!!11!" sed Happy Cat. "Wy u ar bein l0srs? Dis kitteh iz bein niec at meh.7 U guise can givs stuf to homless kittehs wenevr u wants. bt u guise wont hav meh furevah.8 De ladah did wat she cud. She poured smelly watah on meh bodah b4 de buryin.9 Ize tellz u guise de truht, werevah de gospal is pweached, on de ceiling or on de ground, wat de lady haz dun will be dayur, in memory of her."

10 Tehn Jewdahs Izcareoht whnt 2 teh cheef preestz 2 beetrai Happy Cat 2 dem.11 Dem wer deelaited 2 heer dis n promized 2 give him monies. So him watchd 4 chanz 2 hnd him ovr.

Teh Ceiling Cat's Feest

12 On teh furst day of teh Feest of Snax, wen kittehs shud sakrufais teh Cheezburger, Happy Cat's kitteh frenz asked ed him, "Waer we go to maek teh feest?"13 So Happy Cat senz too kittehs, an telz dem, "Goh into teh siteh, an a hooman wif a jar of wahter wil meet yuz. Folloah him.14 Den Hooman goes to teh howse, an kittehs shud sae, 'Teh Happy Cat asks: Waer is mai gest room, waer I may nom teh Cheezburger wif mai kittehs?'15 Hooman will sho yuz da big hai up room, wif comfees an noms. Maek teh reddy for us dere. Kthx."

16 Teh kittehs goez into teh siteh an findz teh hooman jus liek Happy Cat sed. Dey sed, "O hai!" an dey folloahd teh hooman, an So dey maeked teh Cheezburger Feest.

17 Den teh Happy Cat an teh twelv kittehs caem at teh dark an sed, "O hai!".18 Wial dey wuz relaxxen at teh taebl nomming, him sed, "Ai tellz yu teh troof, wun of yuz wil betraey meh —wun kitteh wut iz nomming wit meh heer. Srsly."

19 Kittehs wur sad!, an wun bai wun dey sed,"O NOEZ! Not meh?"

20 "It iz wun of teh Twelv kittehs," him sed, "wun hoo noms mai cheezburger wit meh. Srsly.21 Teh Happy Cat wil goh jus dey wroat abowt him. But woe to dat kitteh hoo betraeyded teh Happy Cat! Srsly! Dat kitteh shud be teh sad!"

22 Wial dey wuz nomming, Happy Cat tuk teh bun an sed, "KTHX!" an den broaked it, an den gaev sum to him kittehs, an sed, "Taek it; dis is mai bodee. For realz."

23 Den him taeked teh cup an sed "KTHX!" an den shaereded wif his kittehs, an dey sed kthx.24 Happy Cat sed, "Dis mai blud, srlsy, an kitteks don be freeked owt becuz ai shaer it wif yuz an moar kittehs, too".25 "I telz yu teh troof, ai no moar drinkin of teh froot of teh vien til wen ai lap it new wif teh Ceiling Cat."

26 An teh kittehs singed sum song, an dey goed owt to teh Mownt of teh Olivs.

Happy Cat Predicts Peter's Denial

27 "Yuz wil all goah awaye," Happy Cat sed, "for it iz wroat:

  " 'Ai wil striek teh shepurd, 
     an teh sheep wil be all ovah teh plaes.'28 But aftur ai had riseded, ai wil goah ahed of yuz in teh Galilee."

29 Peter sed, "O noes! Evin if dey all goahs, ai wil not."30 "Ai tellz yuz teh troof," Happy Cat sed, "Befoar dat him-chikken crohws too tiemz yu yurself will pwn meh free tiemz."31 But Peter sed, "Nos! SRSLY! I goah to Basement Cat befoar I pwn mai frenz!" An all teh kittehs sedd teh saem fing.


32 Den dey goez to dis plaece called Gefsemunee, an Happy Cat sed to him kittehs, "Yuz sit heer an ai goah talk to Ceiling Cat."33 Him tuk Peter, Jaemes and John wit him, an him got sad an wurreed.34 "Mai soahl is so sad! Srsly! Ai cud dai!" him sed. "Yuz staey heer an luk owt."35 Him went moar far, an den he fell down an sed to Ceiling Cat, "I canz come home naow?"36 "O Ceiling Cat," him sed, "allz iz gud wen yu wants it! Yu Taek dis cup, Kthx? But ai is luvin teh Ceiling Cat, so ai hav teh cup an stuffs if yu wants."

37 So den Happy Cat goahs to him kittehs an dere asleep. "O hai, Simon," him sed to Peter evn do him naem wuz Peter, "Iz yu sleepen? Yuz suppozed to be lukkiin owt for wun owr?38 Yuz better talk to teh Ceiling Cat rait now! Srsly! Becuz yur hart sed yu wud luk owt, but den yur fur an stuff wen to sleep!"

39 So den him went agen an did teh saem stuff.40 An den him caem bak an teh kittehs wur sleepen! Srsly! An teh kittehs cud not tell wai.

41 So den him went agen an did teh saem stuff. An den him caem bak an teh kittehs wur sleepen! Srsly! Him sed, "Iz yuz stil sleepen? Enuff! Yuz get up nows! Luk, teh Happy Cat is betraeyed an teh Basement Cat's kittehs is all heer.42 Get up! Heer comes teh Basement Cat's kittehs!"

Teh Mean Kittehs taek Happy Cat

43 Den Happy Cat wuz saeying fings, an Judas, whoo wuz wun of him kittehs, caem ovah. An him browt dees mean kittehs wif weaponz and stuffs, an dey wuz frum de preests an kittehs dat didn liek Happy Cat.44 An Judas sed: "Ai goah an kiss Happy Cat, an den yuz can haz him."45 An Judas goahs to Happy Cat, an him sez, "O Hai!" an kiss him.46 An den teh mean kittehs taek Happy Cat awaey.47 Den wun kitteh chops sum othah kitteh's eer awl off. Srlsy.

48 "Ai iz tellin yuz to fite?" sez Happy Cat, "an yuz be choppin off kittehs eers? Srsly?49 Ai ben sayin stuffs to yuz fer liek, evah, an yuz didn taek meh befoar. But wut teh Ceiling Cat wroat mus be happenin."50 Den awl teh kittehs ran aways.

51 Thiz one guy wuz followinz Happy Cat, wearinz nuddin but linen undiez. Teih catched him,

52 but he left teh linen undiez and ran off nakedz. lol!

Before the Sanhedrin

53 So teh mean kittehs took Happy Cat to dis guy hai preest, an all his guyz, old guyz an boss guyz called sanhedrin an dem didn liek Happy Cat.54 Peter wuz followin all de way. Him sat wif de guards an got warm an stuff.55 Hai preest and de sanhedrin wuz sure Happy Cat wuz a bad guy, and de want to maek him ded, but no kitteh cul prove Happy Cat wuz bad.56 Sum guyz told bad storees abaut him, but teh storees wuz all mixeded up an no one culd beleeve dem.

57 Ok so den som guyz sed some lies:58 "Happy Cat say, 'Ai iz gonna destroy dis temul, an den ai iz gonna maek anudder wun, for teh Ceiling Cat, wfout no kittehs helpin meh.' "59 But evryone wuz liek, "Oh yeh, sure," Srsly. Them culd tell dem guyz wus lying.

60 Den teh hai preest stands up and asked Happy Cat, "Why you not sez nuttin? What is this testimony that these men are bringing against you?"61 But Happy Cat sez nuttin. Again teh hai preest asked him, "Are you teh Christ, teh Son of teh Ceiling Cat? Srsly?"

62 "I am," said Happy Cat. "An you will see teh Son of Kittehs sittin at teh right paw of Ceiling Cat an coming on teh clouds of heaven."

63 Teh hai preest wuz liek, "OMG!" an be rippin all his closes. "Why we need any moar witnesses?" he asked.64 "You heers the blasphemy. What you fink?" An all de guyz sed Happy Cat shud be ded.

65 Then tehy begins to hiss at him; tehy blindfolds him, scratches him wit der pawz, and said, "Prophesy!" And teh guards tooks him and beated him.

Peter iz leik: No Wai!! I not know dat guy Happy Cat!!!1

66 Nao Peter was down in teh courtyard, gettin warm and dat. Dis servant girl who wuz all ov teh high priest caem ova.67 Wen she sawded Peter warming his kitteh-self, she lookd at him close. "Yoo wuz wiv dat guy, Happy Cat too! I sawz yoo!," she said.68 But he sedz 'WTF?! No wai!! I dunno wat yoo iz on abowt!" den he wuz all going ova to teh entry-door.

69 Then teh servent girl sawd him ther too, and she tolded them peeples watchin, "Hei! This d00d iz one of them! Srsly!."70 Again he denied it. Littl while later, them peeps standin der sed to himz, "Ya! Yoo must be one ov dems! Yoo iz from galilee!"

71 Den peter wuz all angry and dat, an he used teh bad wurdz and st00f, "I dunno who iz Happy Cat!."

72 Then teh roosta wuz all ov teh crowing agen for teh secund timez.. But peter did nut fink to nomz teh roosta, He reemembad wat Happy Cat had sed to him: "Befur teh roosta makes crowing two timez,[i] yoo will say No Wai to knowing me three timez. Srsly." Den peter crided and wuz full ov sad. Srsly.

Mark 14
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