Matthew 10

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New Testament

Jebus sendz out his twelve

1 Jebus calld his twelve disciplez an givs dem teh powr to shoo demonz an heel efrybudy.2 Deez r teh namez ov his twelve disciplez: furst, Simon (can also call himz Petr) an his bruthr Andrew; den Jamez an John hoo r bruthrz;3 Filip an Bartholomew; Thomas an Matthew teh muneh taker; teh othur Jamez, an Thaddaeus;4 Simon numbur two, an Judas Iscariot (hoo becomz stinkeh kitteh an betrayz Jebus later on!).5 Befor Jebus sent out theez twelve gais, he teld dem: "DO NOT go over wif teh Gentilez or teh samaritanz.6 Jus go find mai lost kittehs ov israel.7 Deh whole tiem, shoutz dis: "CEILING CAT'S HOUS IS SO CLOSE GAIS! Is right ovr here!"8 Gets rid ov teh fleez, raize teh ded, shoo teh demons, baesicly make evrybudy betteh. An remember getz all your cookehs for free, so don be takin any monehs from kittehs. Just gif to dem for free.9 "Don taek ne munnehs wif u,10 and no bag or extra shirtz or shooz or toyz or ne stuffs at all, cuz u can jus earn yur cheezburgers wen u need it.11 Evrywer u go, look for som nice kitteh thar an stay at dat persons hous til u leav.12 Say "O hai!" to teh hous wen u coemz in.13 If is good hous, gif it sum peace; if is not, taek ur peace bak.14 if anybudy is rude an doesnt lissen to ur werdz, jus shaek teh dust off ur paws when u leef dat plaes.15 Srsly, will be bettr for dos stinkiest cities Sodom an Gomorrah on teh dai ov PWNage than for dat place.16 "Look, i sendin u out liek itteh bitteh kittehs among big ugli dogs wif big nasti teef. Can easily nom yoos little kittehs. So be rly rly smart, an purfect angels.17 Look out for dem; Thoz stinkeh doggehs will probly nom u an skratch u all teh tiem.18 Dey will probly also maekz u go in frunt evryone an say stuff to be liek "omg look tolds u deyz talkin bout Jebus!"19 But wen dis happens, do not be scaredz an nervous bout wut to say or anyting, Cuz den i will alwayz maek shur u say teh rite words.20 Cuz its not be u makin up doz grate words: Hovr cat be in ur mowf, sayin ur wordz for u.21 "All deez kittehs will be mean and alwayz skratchin each othr,22 an evryone will hate u cuz u luv me, but any kitteh who suks it up and staez strong teh whole tiem, i save himz.23 Wen dey skratch u in wun place, jus run awai to a diffrent place. Srsly, ur never gonna get to all deez places before i comez bak agin.24 "Students r not bettah den der teechrs, an hoomins not bettah then their kittehs.25 Dey can jus be liek their teachr, an hoomins be liek their kittehs, an lernz frum dem jus liek dey can lernz frum Jebus. If sumbdy calld teh head kitteh ov teh hous "Beelzebub N00b LOLz", deyr gunna call hiz hoomins much worse naemz!26 "But is okai, don be skared, thar iz nothin hidin dat i will not show.27 Stuff i tell u in sekrit, speek in da open; wut iz wissperd in ur earz, shoutz and screamz it frum teh roofs.28 Do not be fraid ov gais jus kuz dey kills bodies, becuz dey cannot kill SOULZ. Jus be skard ov teh evil wan hoo can destroy bodyz AND soulz in hell.29 Teh birdehs are worth basikly nofing to ppl, but i even savez dem!30 I even noes bout evry singel wun ov ur hares LOL.31 So doan be afraid little kitteh! U r hol lot moar speshul to me den doez birdehz!32 "So anyone hoo sez how much dey luvs me to all der othr kittehs, den i tell Ceiling Cat bout dem too.33 but whoevr sez to kittehs dat dey don noes who i am an don likez me, im gonna be dissin dem to mai fathr Ceiling Cat.34 "Don be tinkin dat i has come to brin jus all dis peace an cheezburgerz to de urf. I brot sharp claws an teef, akshuly.35 4 i has come to turns ppl aganst each othr.36 U will get ins fites wif teh ppl in ur own haus!' [d]37 "Anybody who luvs sum kitteh, even der mommy or daddy or chilenz, doesnt deserv mai cheezburgers.38 Also ppl who doez not taek up their cross an follow me iz not worthy ov mai luv either.39 Evry tiem u findz sum cookehs in ur life u will looz it, but whoevr losez their cookeh for me will find it agin.40 "anyone hoo welcomez u welcomez me, an anyone hoo welcomez me welcomez teh wan hoo sent me.41 whoevr welcomez a profet known to be predictin teh fewcher becuz he's a profet will gets a profet's cookeh, an whoevr welcomez a gud kitteh will receiv gud cookehs.42 an if anyone givez even cup ov watr to wun ov theez itteh bitteh chilenz hoo iz mah kitteh.. srsly, dat person will defnitly get lotsa cookehs."

Teh Footnotez

  • a -Matthew 10:1 greek unclean
  • b - Matthew 10:8 teh greek werd tradishunally tranzlatd leprosy wuz usd 4 various diseasez affectin teh skin.
  • c - Matthew 10:29 or will; or knowledge
  • d - Matthew 10:36 micah 7:6
Matthew 10
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