Matthew 12

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New Testament


Lord ob teh Caturday

1 At dat time, Happy Cat goed tru da grain on Caturday. His desiples wanted moar kibble an wuz in teh grainfield, eaten dem grains.2 Wen Fairy-sees sawz dis, dey say to he, "N00b, yur desiples be offendin Ceiling Cat on Caturday!!1!1!!"3 Happy Cat den say, "Haz yu not readz abot wotz David didz wen he an him compinyuns waz hungryz?"4 He enterz Ceiling Cat's home an eated his cheezburgers, maybe you is read dat.5 Or hasnt yu readz dat priestz work on caturday but them stillz inocents?6 Iz tellin yu dat sumfin moar better than teh temple ist here.7 If youz haz knowed wut dem wordz mean, 'I can has mercy, not sackerfice,' yu not wud has condemened teh inocents.8 For teh sonz of kittehs is lord ob teh Caturday. Srsly!"

9 Goings on from dem places, he wents into teh Ceiling Catz shrines10 an a cat wif a shwirveled paw was der. Dem Fairy-sees wants reason to accuze Happy Cat, dey asked him "It be lawzful to heelz on Caturday?"11 An Happy Cat sed to dem, "If yuz has a sheep an it felled in a pit on Caturday, wud yu not helps it out?!12 Duh! Iz lawzful to do gudz on Caturday!!!"13 Den Happy Cat say, "Giv me yur paw, kthx." Da man doez this, an he wuz maded better.14 But da Fairy-sees went outz an plotted to killz Happy Cat.

Ceiling Catz Chozen Servent

15 Wen Happy Cat knowed dis, him went awayz. Many followin him, an him heelded all dem sicks,16 sayin themz not to tellz who he wuz,17 Dis is cuz Isaiah wuz sayin dis long agoes:

18 "Heerz my servent, who iz picked.

  teh one ai luvs, wit my catness delightz;

  I maeks him hover laik me, cuz iz fun, srsly;

  an him will bringed justace to them nayshuns of cats;

19 Him not will haf any catfites;

  An yu gonna not heer him yowl in dem streets.

20 Him not gonna break a broozed reed, whatever dem is;

  nether will he makez flickering lightbulb go out;

  till him bringed justace to vick-trees;

21 in hiz name teh catz will put dem hopez."

Happy Cat an Beezlebubz

22 Den deyz bringin Happy Cat sum guy who is pozessed by teh basement catz minionsez, and does not see or spaeks, an Happy Cat heeld him, an teh cat cud see an heerz agin.23 All dem kittehs were liek "NOWAI!!" and dey say, "Can dis be da Kitten of Davidz?"

24 But wen da Fairy-sees heer dis, dem sez, "Iz Beezlebubz, teh prince of basement cat, dat dis kitteh drivez outz teh deemuns.

25 Happy Cat noez dey is saying dis, and sez to dem, "All dem kingdums in peeces agenst itselfz will be maed bad, an all dem citehs or pack haus in peeces agenst itselfz not can stands.26 If basement cat drives out basement cat, himz in peeces agenst himselfz. How canz his kingdums stand? Duh!27 An if iz drivin out teh deemuns by Beezlebub, whoz yur kittehs drivin dem out wif?! Dem gonna be yur judge!28 But if iz drivin out teh deemuns wif teh Hover Cat, then teh Ceiling Kingdums comin here wif yu.

29 "Or agin, how yu can go into teh haus ownd by a strong cat an take away him toyz if yu not gonna tie him up first? Then yu can take away him toyz. Srsly!

30 If yuz not wif me yuz agenst me, an if yu not cuddle wif me yu go away!31 An so I telled yu, every invisible error an bad wurds is gonna be maed okay for kittehs, but bad wurds against teh Hover Cat is not gonna be maed okay.32 If yu speek a wurd agenst teh Kitten of Cats, yu gonna be maed okay, but if yu speek a wurd agenst teh Hover Cat yu is not gonna be maed okay, not in this wurld an not in teh next wurld.

33 Maek a tree gud an itz froot will be good, or maek a tree bad an itz froot will be bad, cuz a tree is knowd by itz froot.34 Yu pile of dogz, howcome yuz evil tryin to say things good? Cuz iz yur heart that maeken dem words! Srsly!35 Teh gud kitteh bringed fun playing from teh gud datz in him, an teh bad cat bringed catfites from teh bad datz in him.36 But iz tellin yu dat cats will haf to splain on teh judgemint day for all teh careles wurds dem speeked.37 Cuz by yur words yu will be maed okay, an by yur words yu will be locked in teh basement!

Teh Sign of Jonah

38 An then sum Fairy-sees an teechers of teh lawz sez to him, "Teecher, we can has meeracle from yu?"

39 Him sed, "An evul an cheetin breedz askin me fer a meeracle! But none of dem gonna get it except teh sign of teh proffit Jonah.40 Cuz liek Jonah was tree dayz in an tree nights in teh belly of teh beeg fisheh, so teh kitten of catz gonna be in teh heart of teh urfs.41 Teh cats of Nineveh gonna stand at teh judgemint wif yur breed an lock dem in teh basement, cuz demz said dem wur bad at teh preechin of Jonah, an now one bigger than Jonahz heer.42 Teh Queen of teh Soufz gonna rise at teh judgemint wif yur breed an lock dem in teh basement, cuz she camed from teh ends of teh urfs to heer Solomon say smart thingz, an now one bigger than Solomonz heer! Srsly!

43 When teh evul spiritz comin out of a cat, it goes tru dry places lookin fer a nap an not finds it.44 Then it sez, 'Iz gonna go back to da haus I left!' When it gets der, itz findin teh haus empty, all maed cleen an neat.45 Then it goes an taeks wif it seven other spirits moar evulz than itselfs, an they go in der and live der. An then teh cat is moar evul than he wuz before. Srsly! That is how itz gonna be wif yur breed.

Happy Cat's Mammacat an Littermates

46 While Happy Cat wuz still speeking to dem cats, his mammacat an littermates wuz outside, wanting to talk wif him.47 Someone sez to him, "Yur mammacat an littermates iz outside, an dem wants to speek to yu! Kthx!"

48 Him sez back, "Wut? Whoz my mammacat, an whoz my littermates?"49 He nosed at his desiples, an sed, "Herez my mammacat an littermates.50 Cuz if yuz doin teh will of my daddycat in teh Ceiling yuz my littermates and mammacat."

Matthew 12
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