Matthew 16

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New Testament
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Teh demand 4 sign

1 teh fariseez an sadduceez came 2 Happy Cat an testd him by askin him 2 show them sign frum heaven.2 he replid, [a] "when evenin comez, u say, it will be fair weathr, 4 da sky iz red,3 an in da mornin, todai it will be stormy, 4 da sky iz red an overcast. U knoe how 2 interpret teh appearance ov teh sky, but u cant interpret teh signs ov teh tiems.4 wickd an adulterous generashun lookz 4 sign, but nonez will be given it except teh sign ov jonah." Happy Cat den left them an wen away.

Teh yeast ov teh fariseez an sadduceez

5 when they went acros teh laek, teh disciplez forgot 2 taek bread.6 "be careful," Happy Cat sed 2 them. "be on ur guard against teh yeast ov teh fariseez an sadduceez."7 they discusd dis among themselvez an sed, "it cuz we didnt brin any bread."8 aware ov their discushun, Happy Cat askd, "u ov lil faith, y r u talkin among yourselvez bout havin no bread?9 do u still not understand? Doan u remembr teh 5 loavez 4 da 5 thousand, an how lotz da basketfuls u gatherd?10 or teh 7 loavez 4 da 4 thousand, an how lotz da basketfuls u gatherd? 11 how iz u doan understand dat i wuz not talkin 2 u bout bread? But be on ur guard against teh yeast ov teh fariseez an sadduceez."12 den they understood dat he wuz not tellin them 2 guard against teh yeast usd in bread, but against teh teachin ov teh fariseez an sadduceez.

I Can Has Messiah???

13 when Happy Cat came 2 teh region ov caesarea filippi, he askd his disciplez, "hoo do peeps say teh son ov man iz?"14 they replid, "sum say john teh baptist; others say Elikhat; an still others, jeremiah or wan ov teh profets."15 "but wut bout u?" he askd. "hoo do u say im?"16 simon petr anzwerd, "u r teh mesiah, teh son ov teh livin ceilin cat."17 Happy Cat repleid, "blesd r u, simon son ov jonah, 4 dis wuz not reveald 2 u by flesh an blood, but by mah fathr in heaven.18 an i tell u dat u r petr, [b] an on dis rawk im gonna build mah church, an teh gatez ov death [c] will not overcome it.19 im gonna giv u teh keys ov teh kingdom ov heaven; whatevr u bind on earth will be [d] bound in heaven, an whatevr u loose on earth will be [e] loosd in heaven."20 den he orderd his disciplez not 2 tell anyone dat he wuz teh mesiah.

Happy Cat sez He wil dai, o noes

21 frum dat tiem on Happy Cat began 2 explain 2 his disciplez dat he must go 2 jerusalem an suffr lotz da things at teh hanz ov teh Old Cats, teh chief cat priests an teh teachers ov teh kitty law, an dat he must be killd an on teh third dai be raisd 2 life like da zombie kitty.22 petr took him aside an began 2 rebuke him. "nevr, Happy Cat!" he sed. "dis shall nevr happen 2 u!"23 Happy Cat turnd an sed 2 petr, "git behind me, Basement Cat! U r stumblin block 2 me; u do not has in mind teh concerns ov ceilin cat, but merely hooman concerns."24 den Happy Cat sed 2 his disciplez, "whoevr wants 2 be mah disciple must deny themselvez an taek up dere cros an follow me.25 4 whoevr wants 2 save their nom [f] will lose it, but whoevr losez their nom 4 me will find it and cheezburgers.26 wut gud will it be 4 u 2 gain teh all de cheezburgers, yet forfeit ur own nom? Or wut can u giv in exchange 4 ur own nom?27 4 da son ov man iz goin 2 come in his fathers glory wif his Bird Cats, an den he will reward evryone accordin 2 wut they has dun.28 "truly i tell u, sum hoo r standin her will not taste cheezburgerz nor death before they c teh son ov Ceiling Cat comin in his kingdom."

Teh Footnotes

  • a - Matthew 16:2 sum early manuscripts do not has teh rest ov verse 2 an all ov verse 3.
  • b - Matthew 16:18 teh greek 4 petr meanz rawk.
  • c - Matthew 16:18 greek hadez
  • d - Matthew 16:19 or will has been
  • e - Matthew 16:19 or will has been
  • f - Matthew 16:25 teh greek werd meanz eithr life or soul; also in verse 26.
Matthew 16
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