Matthew 19

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New Testament


1 When Jebus had finishd sayin thees things, He left Galilee an went into teh region ov Judea to teh othr side ov teh Jordan.2 Large crowdz followd Him, an He heald them thar.

3 Sum Fariseez came to Him to test him. Dey askd, "Iz lawful for man to divors him wife for any an evry reason?"

4 "Havnt yu read," He replid, "Dat at teh beginnin teh Creator made them male an female5 an sed, for dis reason man will leef his Fathr an Mommy an be unitd 2 his wife, an teh 2 will become wan flesh.6 So they r no longr 2, but wan. Therefore wut Celing Cat has joind togethr, let man not separate.

7 "Y den," they askd, "Did Mosez command dat man giv his wife certificate ov divorce an send her away?"

8 Jebus replid, "Mosez permitted U 2 divorce ur wivez cuz ur hearts wuz hard. But it wuz not dis wai frum teh beginnin."9 "I tell U dat anyone hoo divorcez his wife, except 4 marital unfaithfulnes, an marriez anothr woman commits adultery."

10 Teh disciplez sed 2 Him, "If dis ar teh situashun tween husband an wife, it better not 2 marry."

11 Jebus replid, "Not everyone can accept dis werd, but only dose 2 whom it has been given."12 4 Sum r eunuchs cuz they wuz born dat wai; others wuz made dat wai by doodz; an others has renouncd marriage cuz of teh Kingdom ov Heaven. Teh wan hoo can accept dis shud accept it."

Lil Childrins

13 Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them.

14 Jebus sez, "Let teh itteh bitteh kettehs come 2 meh, and do not hinder dem, 4 teh ceiling of heaven belongz 2 kittehs liek dem."15 Wen hee had put hiz paws on dem, he went on from der.

Teh Reech Kitteh

16 Now a d00d cames up to Jebus an ask, "Teacher, I does wat gud stuf so I can has eeturmal lyfs?"*

17 "Whai ju aks me abot whut goodz?" Jebus saied. "Der onlee Wun iz goodz. U wants 2 has lyfs, U obyz teh comandamanamenz."

18 "Whut comandamanamenz?" aks teh reech kitteh. Jebus saied, " 'No kilin doodz, no sexin owtsayd marege, no taksin cheezburgr from peepuls, no can tells lai,19 respeckz ur momz and daz,' an 'luvz ur naibors but not wif sexin.'"

20 "Did dat aredy, srsly. I can has eeturmal lyfs nao?"

21 Jebus den sais, "If u wan bee purfex, go, sel ur stufs an gevs ur cheezburgrs 2 teh pors, n den u can has invisible cheezburgr. Den cum, fowul meez."

22 Den reech mans went awai sadz, becuz he hadz many monys.

23 Den Jeezus sai to hiz desiplz, "Im teh srs, it teh sux 4 a rich kittn to go 2 teh Ceiling.24 Aiz tel yu geiz agin, it srsly moar easier 4 graet daen to fit in teh tiny cat cariur dan for fancey feast kitteh two go to teh Howse uf teh Ceiling Cat."\

25 Disipulz hearz, dey leik NO WAI!!1 HU B SAEVD DEN??

26 Jeezus lukee dem, sai, "Wif manz dis iz FAIL, but wif Ceiling Cat evrytingz lolcodable."

27 Petrz leik, "Weez lef ar stufs 2 folow u! Can has cheezburgr or cookie or wut?"

28 Jeezus dun sai 2 demz, "Ai tell u trewfs, @ teh restart, wen Sun of Kittehs sits on his kewl cat condo, u wil urselfs sit on twelv cat condoz, judgin teh twelv breedz uv Israel.29 An evrybudiez lef howsiz or brovrz or sisez or studz or queenz or kittnz or catbowlz 4 maek me cheezburgr will has awsum intrist raet on IOUz an wil has zombi-ness.30 But meny hu r kewl wil has teh suck, an meny hu iz teh suck wil has moar cheezburgrs.

Matthew 19
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