Matthew 27

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New Testament


Judus becomes an hero. Srsly.

1 So liek iz teh mornins and all teh ppl sez tehy duznt liek Jesus and wantz to kills him;2 So tehy ties him upp and maed him goes to Pilate.

3 Judas feels teh stoopid and bringes teh moniez back,4 becuz he iz liek, "I iz stoopid, made invisibul err0r. Jesus iz innucent, k?"

And teh big catz sez "whtevr."

5 So Judas sez "Do not want!" and he trows teh moniez and then killz hisself wiht sum yarn.

6 And teh top cat priestz taik moniez and sez "Do not want, has blud on, yuk".7 And they arsks sumbody and sez "I can has pooterz feild?" for to bury teh stranger doodz what are deaded in.8 And some1 fot it gud idea to call field "field of blud". Der.9 And den, wut Jeremiah, dood who kno what happen before it happen, like humin who kno cheesburgr teim before lolcat do, said wood happen did happen, and dey took lots peices silver, what he worth and can has lots of cheezburgrs wiv and what children wot pull lolcat tail of Israel did reckon him worth;10 and gived them for pooterz feild as Ceiling Cat sayed for to do.[a]

Jebuz gets pwned by Big Catz before Pilate

11 An Jebus stood in front of governor, what is like owner that has the thing for opening catfud tins, and governer said "Is you der big boss cat of der Jews?" And Jebus say "Dat wot u say" *shrug*

12 An when teh big top cat priestz and old doods did say, like, that he pinched the fish, he look all innocent and smooth his whiskers and say nuffin.13 Den Pilate sayed to hims "Yu not heer wut dey saying aboot yu?"14 But stil Jebus not say nuffin and amaezd teh govurnor. Srsly.15 And the govurnor had teh custom of releesing prizunor teh crowd wantid.16 There wuz teh evul guy naemd Barabbas[b],17 And den wen teh crowd wuz gatherd Pilate were asked dem "Yu can haz Barabbas or Jebus."18 But he knowz it wuz cuz dey wur jelus of teh Jebus dat dey gaev Jebus to hims. Srsly.

19 An when Pilate was sitting in teh uber-litter box of teh juj, his wiefs, liek, sended he dis mesij. An she sez liek "Yu no can haz aneeting too does wif dat cat whu iz free of teh kittunz, srsly, cuz liek i can haz bad nightkitties bout himz, An yah. Srsly."

20 But teh big top cat priestz and ol doodz gived teh crowdz lots of catnips so dey wud asks for teh Barabbas and to hav Jebus exicutid. Srsly.

21 So den teh govurnor askd teh crowd "Wich wun duz yuz want?" Dey sed "Barabbas!"

22 "Wut I do wif Jebus den?" Pilate askd. Den all teh crowd sed "Krucify himz!!", srsly

23 "wai? wut invizibul err0r he do?" Pilate askd, But teh krowd get loudr and keep saying "Krucify himz!!"

24 Pilate getz teh frustraet and teh krowd waz maek uproarz, so he washiz hiz handz and sez, "Do not want, I innusint uf himz blud, yuk."

25 Teh krowd sez, "hims blud!! do want!! Feed to our kittehs. Srsly."

26 Him releesd Barabbas to angry krowdz, but took awai Jebus'z powerups's, giv himz floggingz and giv himz to krowd. Srsly.

Faitur Kittiez Stealz Jebus'z Cheezburgrz. Srsly.

27 Teh govrnur's faitur kittiez taekd Jebuz to teh big littur box and roundid up moar faiter kitties.28 Dey took moar of Jebus'z cheezburgrz29 and put teh lime helmetz on himz hed. Den dey giv him big stik and maek fun of himz, sed "King of Kittehz! Haz many cheezburgrz, us can haz?".30 Den dey spitz hairbalz at himz and giv him beetdownz wif teh big stik.31 wen dey finish wif teh beetdownz dey taek teh lime helmetz off and taek himz to teh krucify place. Srsly.

Jesuz getz teh Krucify

32 Den wen dey goez out to teh krucify plaec, teh faitur kittez maed teh dood naemd Simon karry teh cross. Srsly.33 Den dey go to teh plaec kalld Teh Landz of teh Skullz.34 At teh skullz plaec, dey gib Jebuz sum yuky winez but he tastid it an sed "do not want, can haz livur juus, yuk." Srsly.35 When they had crucifid him, they dividd up his clothez by castin lawts.36 an sittin down, they kept watch ovar him thar.37 aboov his head they placd teh written charge against him: dis ar teh jebus, teh king ov teh jews.38 2 rebels wuz crucifid wif him, wan on his rite an wan on his left.39 dose hoo pasd by hurld insults at him, shakin their headz40 an sayin, "u hoo r goin 2 destroy teh temple an build it in 3 dais, save yourself! Come down frum teh cros, if u r teh son ov ceilin cat!"41 in da same wai teh chief priests, teh teachers ov teh law an teh elders mockd him.42 "he savd others," they sed, "but he cant save him! Hez teh king ov israel! Let him come down nao frum teh cros, an we will bleev in him.43 he trusts in ceilin cat. Let ceilin cat rescue him nao if he wants him, 4 he sed, i r son ov ceilin cat. "44 in da same wai teh rebels hoo wuz crucifid wif him also heapd insults on him.

Teh death ov Jesus

45 frum noon til 3 in da afternoon darknes came ovar all teh land.46 bout 3 in da afternoon jebus crid out in loud voice, "eli, eli, [c] lema sabachthani?" (which meanz "mah ceilin cat, mah ceilin cat, HALP!"). [d]47 when sum ov dose standin thar herd dis, they sed, "hez callin Elikhat."48 immediately wan ov them ran an got sponge. He filld it wif wine vinegar, put it on staff, an offerd it 2 jebus 2 drink.49 teh rest sed, "nao leef him alone. Lets c if Elikhat comez 2 save him."50 an when jesus had crid out again in loud voice, he gave up his spirit.51 at dat moment teh curtain ov teh temple wuz torn in 2 frum top 2 bottom. Teh earth shook, teh rockz split52 an teh tombs broke open. Teh bodiez ov lotz da holy peeps hoo had did wuz raisd 2 life!53 they came out ov teh tombs aftr jebus resurrecshun an [e] went into teh holy city an appeard 2 lotz da peeps.54 when teh senturion an dose wif him hoo wuz guardin jebus saw teh earthquaek an all dat had happend, they wuz terrifid, an exclaimd, "surely he wuz teh son ov ceilin cat!"55 lotz da women wuz thar, watchin frum distance. They had followd jebus frum galilee 2 care 4 his needz.56 among them wuz mary magdalene, mary teh mommy ov jamez an josef, [f] an teh mommy ov zebedeez sons.

Teh burial ov Jesus

57 as evenin approachd, thar came rich man frum arimathea, namd josef, hoo had him become disciple ov jesus.58 goin 2 pilate, he askd 4 jebus body, an pilate orderd dat it be given 2 him.59 josef took teh body, wrappd it in clean linen cloth,60 an placd it in his own new tomb dat he had cut out ov teh rawk. He rolld hooj stone in frunt ov teh entrance 2 teh tomb an went away.61 mary magdalene an teh othr mary wuz sittin thar opposiet teh tomb.

Teh guard at teh tomb

62 teh next dai, teh wan aftr preparashun dai, teh chief priests an teh fariseez went 2 pilate.63 "sir," they sed, "we remembr dat while he wuz still aliv dat deceivr sed, aftr 3 dais im gonna rize again.64 so giv teh ordr 4 da tomb 2 be made secure til teh third dai. Otherwize, his disciplez cud come an steel teh body an tell teh peeps dat he has been raisd frum teh ded. Dis last decepshun will be worse than teh furst."65 "taek guard," pilate anzwerd. "go, mak teh tomb as secure as u knoe how." 66 so they went an made teh tomb secure by puttin seal on teh stone an postin teh guard.

Teh Footnotez

  • a - Matthew 27:10 c zechariah 11:12,13; jer. 19:1-13; 32:6-9.
  • b - Matthew 27:16 lotz da manuscripts do not has jesus; also in verse 17.
  • c - Matthew 27:46 sum manuscripts eloi, eloi
  • d - Matthew 27:46 psalm 22:1
  • e - Matthew 27:53 or tombs, an aftr jebus resurrecshun they
  • f - Matthew 27:56 greek josez, variant ov josef
Matthew 27
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