Matthew 28

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New Testament


I Can Has Rezareckshun???

1 Aftr teh Sunty Dae, whin Sunty come up on teh furst dae ov teh week, Maerdy Magdaleem an teh othr Maerdy (srsly) chix went 2 look at teh grabe.2 Then it wuz a violent Shaker! 4 a Hover D00d ov Ceiling Cat came down frum Heaven an, go 2 teh grabe, rold bak teh Rok, an sat on it.3 His appearance wuz liek lightnin, an his clovings wuz wite as snowy.4 Teh Action Cat guardz wuz so scary to him dat they shook an became liek ded d00dz, lol.5 Hover D00d sed 2 teh chix, "Not is be scary. I knoe dat u r lookin 4 Happy Cat, hoo wuz hung up on kross wif arn thorns.6 Not is here! He got up, scaped, liek he sed. Come an c teh place wer he layd, srsly.7 Den go quickly an tell his kitlins: he has got up frum ded an iz goin ahead ov u into galilee. Thar u will c him. Nao i has told u, kthxbai."8 So teh chix hurry away frum teh grabe, scary yet filld wif Happy, an ran 2 tell his kitlins.9 Suddenly Happy Cat met them! "Ohai!" he sed. They came 2 him, huggd his feet an worshipd him.10 Den Happy Cat sed 2 them, "Do not be scary. Go an tell mah kitlins 2 go 2 galilee; thar they will c me."

Teh Action Cats report

11 While teh chix wuz on their wai, sum ov teh Action Cat guardz went into teh city an reportd 2 teh Law Cats evrythin dat had happend.12 When teh Law Cats had met wif teh Top Cats an devisd plan, they gaev teh Action Catz many ov moneys,13 tellin them, "u r 2 say, his kitlins came durin teh nite an stold him away while we wuz sleepin.14 If dis report gets 2 teh Boss Kitty, we will satisfy him an keep u out ov trouble."15 So teh Action Cats took teh moneys an did. An dis story has been widely circulatd among teh Jewcats 2 dis vry dai.

Teh great commishun!

16 Den teh eleven kitlins went 2 galilee, 2 teh mounting wer Happy Cat had told them 2 go.17 When they saw him, they worshipd him; but sum said NO WAI.18 Dn Happy Cat came 2 them an sed, "WAI. Ceiling Cat sez I pwnz Heaven and Urfs OK.19 So go an get kitlins ov all colors uv cat, bath them with tung in [a] teh naym ov teh Ceiling Cat an ov Happy Cat an ov H0ver Cat,20 an teach them 2 do what i telld u. An srsly im wif u always, at every of Tiem, kthxbai."

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Matthew 28
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