Numbers 22

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Old Testament


Please note that verse 27 seems to be missing, as do several gaps between paragraphs. There is also a broken heading.

Teh Moab King sendz for Balaam

1 Nd then teh Israelites wented 2 teh palins o Mohab nd campeded next to teh big wet snaky thing across frum Jericho, k?2 An Balak teh son o Zippo sawded wut Israel dided to teh Amorites,3 an Moab was scareded cuz of all teh peeplez. Srsly, Moab was scareded of teh Israelites.4 An teh Moabites was all like "Teh scaree peeplz is gonna nom it all up, like teh mices noms up teh grass on teh flur, k?".

An Balak5 hoo were teh king o Moab rite then, sent messengurs to Balaam, who wuz at Pethor neerz teh Yufrates. They wuz all leik "Sum noobs is comin from Egypt and iz gonna pwnz us and takes our cheezburgers.6 They haz lots of kittehs, so come and pwnz them plz, I knows when yu sez cheezburgers, peepl has cheezburgers, an when you say invisible error, people haz it srsly kthxbai"7 An teh Moabite an Midianite kittehs took many cookiez for teh pwnage to Balaam and giv him Balak's message.8 Balaam wuz liek "haz naps here, an tomorow I tell yu whateva Ceiling cat tellz meh." So teh Moabite kittehs sleepz at Balaams place.9 Ceiling Cat came to Balam an wuz all leik "OHAI lol whoz these peeps at ur place?"10 An Balaam sed "Balak of Moab sendz them to meh,12 "OMG do not goes with these kittehs, and NOT pwn teh peeps of Israel, cos they has my cheezburgers srsly."13 Teh next mornin Balaam sez to Balak's messengurs "GTFO! Ceiling cat not let me go wif yu."14 So they wuz all leik "LOL teh noob Balaam not come wif us!"15 So Balak sent many moar kittehs, whu wuz 1337er than teh furst.16 They went to Balaam and wuz leik "PLZ come and pwn these peeps, yu can haz my cookiez! Srsly."18 But Balaam wuz leik "Lolz if Balak gave meh all teh cookiez in teh house I culd not ignoar Ceiling cat.19 But stay teh nite like da ovvers, in case Ceiling cat changes hiz mind."20 Ceiling Cat came to Balaam an wuz leik "LOLZ, I'm in ur ceiling, watching you masturbate LOL. But srsly go wif these men but do az ai say!"21 So teh next mornin Balaam got on his ass (LOL) and went with teh Moab kittehs.

==== Balaam and hiz ass (LOL) ====22 Ceiling Cat wuz all leik "NO WAI!" cuz Balaam wuz goin, and as Balaam rode on hiz ass (LOL) with two of his kittehs, a birdcat frm Ceiling Cat sat in teh road.23 Teh ass wuz all leik 'OMG' and rode invisibul bike in teh feeld. Balaam wuz v. pissed, so he pwnd the ass (LOL) and brought it on teh road.24 Teh birdcat stood were teh roadz was thin an two yarn-yards wif wallz.25 An teh ass saw teh birdcat agen and pwnd Balaam's foot on teh wall. Balaam pwnd the ass again (LOL).26 An teh birdcat mooved so Balaam culd not go thru either way.28 An Ceiling Cat maeks teh ass (LOL) talk and stuff, and teh donkey wuz all liek "Oh hai, me is talkin' ass".29 An Shrek Balaam wuz all liek "LOL, stupid ass, ai scrach yu now, ai scrach yu reel good".30 An teh donkey sez "Oh but WAI? Me is just talkin' ass."31 Balaam saw teh birdcat wif teh scurry claws. Him wuz all liek, WTF!!!32 Teh birdcat sez: "Oh hai! Why yu scrach teh ass (lol)? STOP!!"33 "An teh ass lookded at me an turnded lots, so ai no killz yuz bof."34 Balaam sez: "Oh hai, birdcat! I maekded invisible error. I no see yu! Yuz invisible, sry."35 Teh birdcat sez: "Play yarnball wif teh Balak doodz, k?"36 Balaam goed two Moab (wif teh mowtuhn baiks? lol)37 Balak sez: "Oh hai, Balaam. wtf, why you no play yarnball no moer?"38 Balaam sez: "Oh hai, Balak. Sry, teh Ceiling Cat sez stuff wif mah mauf. srsly."39 Dey goed two soem crazy house wif naem sownds liek harball noizes.40 Balak givded moo cows an sheepz to Balaam.41 After teh sleepy tiem gon wai, Balak taekded Balaam up teh tree and dey lookded at all teh kittehs.

Numbers 22
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