Numbers 23

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Old Testament

1 So Balaam (howzat pronounst?) he sez to Balak, I can has seven tabulz? Oh, n also sum mices n stuff (no goggies, cuz dey iz too hard to cach).2 so he makeded the tabulz, and they gave Ceiling cat sum mices n stuff frum teh tabulz, so he cood mayk sum cheesburgrz.(Ceiling cat mayks sum yumy cheezburgers)3 Then Balaam sez "You stay heer, n I go to sunnyspot to see ceiling cat. I tel you all abowt it layter. srsly." Then he goed to sunnyspot.4 Then Balaam telz Ceiling Cat all about teh tabulz n omice n stuff.5 Then Ceiling Cat sez "go tell teh gai doun there dis:" den Ceiling Cat wisperd all soft n stuff. srsly.6 So Balaam caym bak (laik finaly! Balak was getin all boar n stuff!), n he stood tehre for, laik, frevr,7 n then he finaly sez, he sez "Da king sented me from da east, an HE sez, 'Cmon pwn me n stuff, mess wit all dem kittehs!'.8 but then I sez to him I sez 'no way. Me too layzee to do aneething Ceiling Cat no dun alredy.'9 Den I seez all deez kittehs who no think dey iz all da same!10 Hoo kin count da dust n dirt n stuff of Jacob or number da fourtheth peec uv Israel? Lemme be ded like a nise kitteh, an dye n stuff laik a nise kitteh too!"11 But den Balak sez "Hay! U sed you wuz gunna pwn on dem, not bee al nise n stuff!12 "But Ceiling cat sez to be all nise n stuff. He gun pwn me if I dont."13 Balak wuz all mad n stuff, so he sez "OK, u kin trai agen. I no laik deze kittehs too. You pwn dem dis taim, OK?14 So dey goed to Zophim on the top of Pisgah, an dey did da saym stuff as in 23:2, but Iz too lazy to say it agen.15 Balaam sed "OK, I reely pwn dem n stuff dis taim. U stay heer agen.16 It didnt werk dis taim ether. Ceiling Cat got in hiz way n sayed "OK, you no pwn dem dis taim ether. Go bak n tel Balak dis mesij. So Ceiling Cat put da mesij in Balaam's mouth, but Balaam no cood eat it. (He traid reel hard, but it had a fors feeld)17 Balak new wut wuz comin, he sez "OK, wut duz Ceiling Cat say dis taim?" (Hee wuz anoyd cuz CC woodnt let Balaak do no pwning)18 Balaam sed "OK git up you sun uv a zippor (not zipper), an lisen n stuff.19 Ceiling Cat iz not a hoomin duh he iz a cat.20 You can not has pwning cuz Ceiling Cat sez so.21 Jacob iz nise, so iz Israel:Ceiling Cat lieks him, cuz he iz so nise.22 Ceiling cat iz y dey iz not in Egypt n he iz cooler then prity unicorns n rainbows n stuff."23 Den Balaam sed da saym thing only difrnt werdz so Balak wood reely get it.24 Den he had sumthing new to say: "Den dey will fite reel cool liek a lien, but not az cool as a unicorn.srsly."25 Den Balak sed "Plz no more pwning. No nisenis ether. Just leaf dem aloan. kthxbye."26 But Balaam sed "Wayt no lisen to Ceiling Cat hez cooler then u. srsly.27 but pwn on me a litl first. kthx.28 then dey went up on a mowntin29 den Balaam sed da saym as he did in 23:1 Iz too layzee to say it agen.30 den Balak did wut Balaam sed cuz he lieked Balaam even tho Balaam woodn't own anybody for him.

Numbers 23
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Leviticus Deuteronomy Numbers 22 Numbers 24
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