Numbers 32

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Old Testament

1 K, so da Reubenites and da Gadites, hoo haz vewy big flawks and hurds, saw dat da landz of Jazer and Gilead wuz gud for da sheepies and cowz. k?2 So dey goes to Moses and Eleazar da holycat preest and to da main gai in da communitie, and sayz,3 "Bunchez of craizy wordz den dey translaites:4 dis urf dat da Ceiling Cat givez to da kitties of Israel—iz gud for da sheepies and cowz, k? and yur servents haz sheepies and cowz.5 So den dey sayz "If da great Ceiling Cat likez us, den giv us dis urf cuz we dun wanna crawss de Jordan. We mite get wetz! Srsly!"

6 Den Moses sayz to da Gadites and Reubenites, "Shuld yur fello kittiez go to catfite whiel yu sits heer?7 Why do yu tell da Israelites dat dey can haz not go to de gud sunniland dat da Ceiling Cat haz given dem?8 Dis iz wut yur daddi cats haz did when ai sendz dem from Kadesh Barnea to lookz at de land.9 Aftre dey goez up to da Valli of Eshcol and seen da land, dey toldz da Israelites to not haz da land Ceiling Cat haz given to dem.10 Da Ceiling Cat wuz mad dat dai and he sayz:11 'Becuz dey haznt follow me compleetli, not any of da kittiez dat are twenty years uld or moar and comez from Egypt will haz get to see de landz ai haz promise to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob-12 not any kittie beshides Caleb son of Jephunneh da Kenizzite and Joshua son of Nun, for dey two haz followd da Ceiling Cat compleetli. Srsly.'13 Da Ceiling Cat wuz mad wif Israel and he made dem wander in da desert for forty years, where da kitties has no watah, even to drinkz! Dis happend til all da bad old kitties had died from Ceiling Cat's aiez so he no moar haz to see dem. kthxbai bad kittiez, yu iz n00b.

14 "And here yu are, yu lotsa kittens who haz full of invizible error, meowing insted of yur daddi cats and makin da Ceiling Cat even moar mad wif Israel. Srsly.15 Ifz yu goez awai from followinz Ceiling Cat, he haz again will putz all dese kitties in da desert, and yu haz be the bad gai and make em go der. k?"

16 Den dey comez to him and sayz, "We wantz to like buiwld pens heer foh da sheepies and cowz and citiez foh dah momma cats and kittens kthx.17 But we haz redy to get weponz and goez in front of da Israelites until we haz bring dem to der plaice. At saem tiem, our momma cats and kittens will livez in big citiez wif lotsa laz0r beamz for shafety from de doggiez and bad gaiz.18 We will notz come bak to these housez til all da Israelite getsh his ballz of string.19 We wunt getz any balls of string wif dem on da other saide of da Jordan, even tho we mite will gets wet, cuz our balls of sting haz be heer on dis side of da Jordan. kthxbai."

20 Den Moses sayz to dem, "If yu haz do dis—if yu will get weponz foh Ceiling Cat for battel,21 and if allz of yu will goez wif weponz over da Jordan, and even get wetz, for da Ceiling Cat til all da bad gaiz haz go away-22 den when da land is taimed bai da Ceiling Cat, yu mai comez bak and be freez from yur dutiez to Israel and Ceiling Cat. And dis land will be yurz in da aiez of Ceiling Cat.

23 "But if yu haz fail to do dis, yu will be doing invizible errorz againsht da Ceiling Cat; and yu mai be shure dat yur invizible error will haz find yu out. k?24 Build da citiez foh yur momma cats and kittenz and pens for yur sheepies and cowz, but do wut yu have sayz. Srsly."

25 Den da Gadites and Reubenites sayz to Moses, "We yur lapcatz will do az da Ceiling Cat sayz.26 Our kittenz and momma cats, our sheepies and cowz will stay heer in da citie Gilead.27 But yur lapcats, every kittie wif weponz foh battel, will haz cross over to fite before the Ceiling Cat, and we haz be wet, but we do as da Ceiling Cat haz sayd. k?"

28 Den Moses givz da orderz to dem and Eleazar the priest and Joshua son of Nun and to da familee heds of da Israelite triibes. k?29 He sayz to dem, "If da Gadites and Reubenites, evry kittie wif weponz, haz go ovah da Jordan wif yu befoor da Ceiling Cat, den when da urf is rdy foh yu, giv dem dae urf of Gilead for der own kittie hapiness. Srsly.30 But if dey do not cross wit yu wit der weponz, dey must haz takez der plashes wit yu in Catnaan."

31 O hai der! So da Gadites and Reubenites sayz, "Yur lapcats will do wut da Ceiling Cat haz sayz k?32 We haz cross befoar da Ceiling Cat to Catnaan wif weponz and lazers, but da urfs dat we get wil be on dis side of da big Jordan river. kthxbai."

33 K, so den, Moses givz da Gadites, da Reubenites, and da haff-triibe of sum son of Joseph da kingdum of sum Amorites king gai and da kingdom of some gai namez Og. All da land wif all da cities k? Yesh, srsly.

34 Den da Gadites buldz sum cities k?35 Srsly, bunch of cities.36 Sum cities wif lazer defenes, den dey buldz placse for da sheepies and cowz.37 And da Reubenites rebuldz sum citeiz too.38 And sum moar cities k? lotsha citie srsly. Dey haz giv nuu namse to da nuu citei.

39 Den da kittenz of Makir son of Manasseh goez to Gilead, takez da plashe and den lazerbeamz da Amorite gaiz dat were der.40 So Moses givz Gilead to da Makirites, den da kittenz of Manasseh, and den dey staied der k?41 Jair, who wuz a kitten of da Manasseh, takez der houzes and sayz all yur base are belong to us. kthxbai n00bz.42 And Nobah takez moar plaxes and namse dem aftre hisself. Wuz srsly sum majooor pwnage.

Numbers 32
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