Romans 9

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New Testament

Ceiling Cat's Playoff Pikz

1 Ai meow nawt bark bout Jebus — SRSLY, Ai can meows at Invisible Ceiling —2 Ai nawt purrin cat.3 Ai nawt has cheesebrgrz maeded by Jebus Krisp fur eated by uddr cats, uddr niec cats,4 dems cats frum Itzreal. Demz dopted kittnz; demz purrin, teh greementz, teh judge judy channel, teh meowin crashpadz wit big altar.5 Demz dadacatz, deyz incestr catz uv Jebus, oh hai Ceiling Cat, laik ferevva anna evva, K Thnks bai.

6 Liek, itz nawt zif Ceiling Cat nawt yammrd atcha. Nawt all Itzreal catz R frum Itzreal.7 Nawt cuz demz iz Abraham'z kittnz. Srsly, nope. "Isaac cat gunna be team captin, den youse play wit ball uv string".8 Ai mean youse jynaseks kittnz iz nawt Ceiling Cat's kittnz, butt demz kittnz dat playz wit ball uv string is Abraham's kittnz.9 Ai hearz lotsa yammrin anna meowin: "WEHN AI GUD AN REDY AI CUM, AN SARAH GUNNA JYNADROP BOY KITTN, SRSLY."

10 Srsly, Rebekah's maed kittnz frum jynaseks wit dada Isaac.11 Oh wayt, befor her jynadrop dubba catz onna flore or befor her purr or meow - dew wat Ceiling Cat yammrz:12 nawt teh milkman - she hearin meowin "Teh old hag-catz gunna give young catz cheezbrgrz an milkshakez anna cookie"13 Sum cat rote grafeety onna littrbox: "Ai luv Jacob, Esau iz big dum icehole."

14 Wat chew meowin den? Iz Ceiling Cat bad cat? Nope, srsly!15 Fur him meows 2 Moses, "Ai be niec to sum catz, and Ai will lik da butt hole uv only sum catz, dats wut I sez."16 Cat nawt can has wat cat can want taht cat can does, but only iff Ceiling Cat sez so.17 Pharaoh red grafeety: "Oh Hai, Ai maed youse fur Ceiling Cat, lookey at me RAWR, RAWR, youse see mai naem on grafeety all ovr urths, Srsly."18 Ceiling Cat giv cheezbrgrz 2 catz him liek an furballz 2 catz him nawt liek.

19 Youse yammr: "Den Y Ceiling Cat nawt liek us catz? Who sez nope 2 Ceiling Cat?"20 Who B U, O youse catz, to yammr 2 Ceiling Cat? "Who dun maed poo inna littrboxz sez to pooing cat, 'Why U poo liek this?' "21 Iz Okey for baker kitteh to uze teh saim bol to maik sum cookie 4 nobl purrpus, an odders for reglar evvryday y00s?

22 Wat if Ceiling Cat sed RAWR-RAWR-RAWR, an poked him clawz in yer eyez an maek you havva catfight?23 Wat if him poked eyez soz youse catz nose him reeeeely niec gentl cat, taht giv youse niec new smelly littr-24 evn uz catz, who him meowd, nawt dem J00z butt also dem Genitile catz?25 An him sez in Hosea: "Me callz dem "mah catz" dats nawt mah catz; an me callz her "mah main jyna cat" wehn datz nawt mah jyna cat,"26 an, "Aiz gunna does it der, riet der, youse catz an sez 'Youse nawt mah catz' tehm calld "catz uv liver Ceiling Cat.' "

27 Isaiah winez bout Itzreal: "Derz mor frickin Itzrealitez tahn sand in mah littrbox, butt only sum gunna nawt get poopd on.28 Fur da Lard gunna poop onna urths fast az youse can sez azzblazzter, srsly."

29 Dats wut Isaiah yammrd B4: "Unlezz Big Lard Ceiling Cat can jynadrop uz sum fresh kittnz fur da team, we gunna can has it in da bum liek Sodomy an we gunna hurt bak der liek Gomorrah. Den we nawt gunna git 2 da playoffz."

Itzreal's Nawt Tink So

30 Oh Hai, WTF up wiht you catz? Tehm Genitilez, tehm bad catz, tehm axksed 4 it, wantid cheezebrgrz wit no mayo;31 butt Itzreal. Tehm watch judge judy channel, tehm nawt gotz it, srsly.32 WTF? Why frickin nawt? Cuz tehm chased der tayl nawt wit cheezebrgrz wit no mayo butt azz if it wer cat in heat. Tehy trippd an fell, meow meow, onna "trippn stoner."33 Lookey grafeety: "Lookey, I lazy cat in Zion an reel stoned an falld an trippd dem catz, tee hee, an tehm dat luvz Ceiling Cat nawt gunna be laffd at, Ai srsly teld youse."

Romans 9
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